Owning His Story: A Father’s Account of Healing With Oxbow Academy
Join Tiffany and Oxbow Academy alumnus parent Frank as they explore the transformative power of polygraphs, firm boundaries, and total family involvement in adolescent healing. Discover how moving from fantasy to genuine empathy opens the door to restored trust and lasting recovery.
In the 2nd episode of this Oxbow Academy podcast series, host Tiffany sits down again with Frank, a parent of an Oxbow alumnus, to discuss the realities of treatment and family recovery. Frank reflects on his son’s journey through the evaluation process, polygraphs, and the crucial turning points that led to deep personal transformation. Together, they explore how crucial it is for the entire family system- not just the student- to engage in therapy, practice vulnerability, and model true accountability.
Key Topics Discussed
- Navigating the Evaluation Process: Understanding the role of clinical polygraphs, psychosexual evaluations, and open disclosure in starting a child's therapeutic journey.
- The Power of Genuine Empathy: How students transition out of "fantasy worlds" to take real ownership of their past actions and impact.
- Parental Vulnerability & Boundaries: Learning how fathers and mothers can set firm boundaries while shedding the "macho" mask to cultivate deep emotional safety.
- The Clarification & Reunification Process: The essential steps for taking accountability, writing letters to victims, and restoring family trust over time.
If you are a parent feeling overwhelmed, guarded, or uncertain about the therapeutic journey, this episode offers a roadmap grounded in real experience. Frank’s honest reflections demonstrate that seeking help for your family is a sign of profound strength, not weakness. Listening to his story will reassure you that true healing and lasting connection are possible when everyone commits to doing the work.
Healing doesn't happen in isolation; real recovery begins when the entire family commits to growing together. Take the first courageous step toward restoring trust in your home by calling our team today at 855-676-4272.
The Oxbow Evaluation Process
Tiffany: Welcome back to our listeners. To those who are just tuning in, in our last episode, we talked with Frank about his journey leading up to finding Oxbow, how difficult it was, and the realization that there was hope and healing ahead not only for his son, but for his whole family. In this episode, we are going to talk about what life was like at Oxbow Academy.
For our listeners who may not know a lot about Oxbow, when kids first come through the door, they go through an evaluation process. That evaluation includes going through a sexual history - which Frank is going to talk a little bit more about - and disclosing details along the way. This leads up to a clinical polygraph and a psychosexual evaluation, which provides a guideline and a treatment plan specific to what each child needs.
So Frank, let's talk about that evaluation process, because it is not for the faint of heart. What was that like for you?
Frank: It was eye-opening, to say the least. It was exciting, but also hard. It was exciting because it was something that would bring things to light - including, as we were told, a lot of things we did not know or have any idea he had done, and how that would impact us.
We worked very closely with his therapist, who guided us through this. As time went on and we found out more, it was very tough, because there were things I did not expect, and I am sure my wife did not either. But it was something that needed to be done. It was necessary because if he holds it back, he is still living with it. Once he discloses it, a door or window opens up so it can be looked at and addressed. It was the same for us. Hearing it was painful, but it was also a relief because we knew we could work through it. We would work through it, with God's help, definitely. That was key for me and my wife.
Even now, it is not easy to talk about.
Tiffany: I know. Please only share what you feel comfortable with, because reliving this and going back through a sexual history is tough. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but the therapists at the time would work with your son to prepare the sexual history, and then meet with you first for the family sessions, right?
Frank: Correct.
Tiffany: To prepare you for what was coming?
Frank: Yep.
Tiffany: And then your son would disclose everything and take accountability if there was new information, correct?
Frank: Yes, and explain why they were doing it.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: That was very important for us - understanding why he had to go through the polygraph test and how it worked. It was really great, truly. Looking back on it now, it was a big key to opening up Pandora's box.
Tiffany: The famous saying goes, "You're only as sick as your secrets."
Frank: Yeah.
Tiffany: We say that a lot at Oxbow because it is true. If you do not address the infection and the things stuck inside you, it just gets worse.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: And it keeps you sick.
Frank: Yeah.
Tiffany: So transparency and honesty are the path to healing.
Frank: It is not only tough for the parent, but it is tough for the child - the student - as well. What your son goes through... wow. Even though he knows what happened because he did it, once he hears himself say it out loud, it is another eye-opener.
Tiffany: Yes. When I worked with the boys at Oxbow, I often saw how good they were at dissociating from what they were doing or justifying it - keeping it at a distance or in a fantasy world so they could tell themselves, "It's okay." But when you have to bring it to light and take accountability using clear, accountable language - recognizing that someone was a victim, or that you were a victim - it hits you and makes it real.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: Then you have to start looking at the impact it has on people.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: Which is hard.
Frank: My wife and I can both relate to that because of the treatment we have gone through. Hearing myself speak about things from my own past helped me realize, "Okay, I did that way back when." So yes, it helps the parent too.
Tiffany: Absolutely. It makes me think of a concept from Brené Brown. She talks about shame and vulnerability, calling it "owning your story." When you own your story, you move past the shame and can start healing, even if it is an ugly story. The beautiful thing about owning your story is that you get to rewrite the ending.
Frank: Yeah.
Tiffany: But you cannot do that until you own it.
Frank: That's right.
Tiffany: Right?
Frank: That's correct.
Clinical Polygraph Preparation and Success
Tiffany: When did he take his polygraph? Was it right away, or did it take some time?
Frank: Oh, no, it took... I can't remember exactly-
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: -because it has been a day or two since that happened, but-
Tiffany: Sixteen years?
Frank: Yes. It took a while. I cannot answer exactly how long.
Tiffany: That is okay. I mostly want our listeners to understand that it is not a one-week process.
Frank: Oh, no.
Tiffany: Typically, they aim for about a month, but some boys take longer or shorter depending on what needs to come out during preparation. We want them to pass it. We do not want to catch them in a lie or see them fail. The goal is for them to be successful. They are not always successful, but that is the goal.
Frank: The thing about it is, they know it is coming-
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: -because they talk to each other.
Tiffany: There is no secret about it.
Frank: There is no secret about it. So they have to build up to it and realize what is happening. From what I have seen, once they are strapped into all those machines, they realize they have to tell the truth. It is like I used to tell my son-and still do-"Look in the mirror and tell that story to the person you see, because that person knows the truth."
Tiffany: That is so true. You mentioned that it took a while for him to prepare for the polygraph. Just so our listeners know, while you have not seen one in person, I have observed several. The polygrapher sits down with the boys for at least an hour before hooking them up to go over everything. At Oxbow, the goal is to get them as close to 100% honesty as possible beforehand-usually getting 80 to 90% of the information out ahead of time. However, more details often come out right before the test starts. We call it a bit of a "deathbed repentance," because they know the test is right there. What was that polygraph experience like for your son?
Frank: I do not recall talking to our son about it directly other than what was disclosed to us with his therapist sitting right there. I looked at our son, remembering things I had said in the past. I am not proud to say this, but as I mentioned before, I used to be so angry that I said if anyone ever hurt someone in our family, I would kill them. That was the kind of anger I carried. But when I heard what came out during the disclosure, I knew he was in a safe place. I realized what I had said back then were just words spoken in anger, not something I would actually do. I do not know if that makes it clearer.
Tiffany: It does. It sounds like when he went to the polygraph, he disclosed more information, including that a victim was within the family.
Frank: Yep.
Tiffany: Even though you expressed yourself authentically out of anger in the past, he still felt safe enough to disclose something he knew would deeply hurt and disrupt your family.
Frank: Yep.
Tiffany: That is the goal at Oxbow. Did he pass his first polygraph?
Frank: Yes, he did.
Tiffany: That is huge.
Frank: Yes, it was a big plus.
Tiffany: As a parent, it brings mixed emotions. On one hand, you are relieved he passed, but on the other hand, new information came out that is painful and hurtful. How do you hold space for both of those feelings?
Frank: Looking at your son after he passes the polygraph, I cannot say the look on his face was, "Phew, I am finished, now I can go home." Not at all.
Tiffany: That is just the beginning, right?
Frank: Yes. Like I said, it was just the key to opening the door to really work through it.
Tiffany: Right.
Frank: He knew from hearing the other boys that it was going to hurt, but he knew he had to tell the truth for himself.
Tiffany: That is the beautiful thing about a clinical polygraph at Oxbow. Because we take the time to prepare the boys, the goal is for them to pass. We are not trying to catch them in a lie or use it as an interrogation tool to scare them. We want them to reach a place of honesty and truth so they can begin healing.
Frank: Sure.
The Family Healing Journey
Tiffany: Once everything is disclosed, victims can start healing, the family can start healing, and everyone can address whatever comes next. What did that healing journey look like for your family? It was a long road, so you do not have to get into every detail, but give our listeners an idea of how you worked through this new information.
Frank: Having that disclosure gave us a starting point for our own therapy. It gave us the full picture so we could deal with what was actually going on. Without that information, the unanswered questions would have still been there, and I would not have been able to fully commit to my own therapy. I told our son, "I am going through therapy, and I am jumping in with both feet. I am not doing it just because of you, but because of me, and I want you to do the same."
Tiffany: I love that, Frank. Showing your son what true healing looks like provides the example our kids need. It shows them it is not just "do as I say," but "do as I do." Seeing you go 110% in gave him the space to do his own hard work.
Frank: I do not know if this is the place to talk about the kind of therapy I went through, but mine was through the VA.
Tiffany: Absolutely.
Frank: I had gone through a couple of outside therapists before that, but I fired them because I felt they were not helping me with what I needed.
Tiffany: It is completely fine to fire a therapist until you find the right fit.
Frank: I did find the right fit at the VA. It was very helpful because I could disclose things in my therapy group, and the others could relate. They did not necessarily relate to the specific issues I shared, but they related to the act of opening up. Because I was comfortable being open, it made them feel comfortable to do the same. It really blossomed within our group.
Tiffany: Your willingness to be vulnerable and show up as your authentic self allowed others to do the same and begin healing. That is the power of a group therapy setting.
Frank: Correct, and that is what I shared with our son. Every time I visited and talked with him and the other boys, that perspective helped us all.
Tiffany: That is also the power of Oxbow. These boys arrive carrying so much shame and living with a dark secret. Realizing that neither the parents nor the boys are alone is transformative. While their situations are not identical, being vulnerable together lets them realize, "I am not defined by my secret or my shadow side." They see they can move past it and that they are not going through the darkness alone.
Frank: Correct. Knowing that it was not just my son and me going through it helped both of us. I made a point to talk with the other boys and help them feel comfortable, too.
Tiffany: I know you did.
Frank: They were going through the exact same things my son was going through, so there was no reason to shun them. It was something everyone needed to work through.
Tiffany: Absolutely. Helping others feel seen and heard despite their past mistakes.
Frank: And letting them know that it is okay to be seen and heard.
Tiffany: I love that.
Frank: As long as I stand my ground.
Living by a Mission Statement
Tiffany: Yeah. Hold your boundaries.
Frank: And I stand to my mission statement, and I will not budge from it.
Tiffany: Let's talk about mission statements. This is a good spot you're going into. What is a mission statement? Help our listeners know.
Frank: To me, a mission statement was something that I'm going to live with, live through, and stand by. I don't recall it off the top of my head-
Tiffany: It's okay-
Frank: -because I haven't-
Tiffany: -I won't quiz you.
Frank: -I haven't lived it through in the longest time. But every time that I would come visit, I would ask the boys, "What's your mission statement?" And they would stand up, and they would say their mission statement, and sit down. And then I would stand up, and I would say my mission statement. A mission statement, again, is something that helped me build a relationship with my son, because he heard my ground rules and knew that I was not going to budge from them. Because a mission statement is very powerful if you live by it.
Tiffany: Oh, yeah.
Frank: If you don't change it, and if you don't try to bend it-like some of us do. So yeah, it helped. It helped my son. If I ask him now what his mission statement was, he probably couldn't say it verbatim-
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: -but he knows what it meant.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: And he's living it. He's living it now.
Tiffany: I love it. Yeah, and to be able to help our kids at Oxbow create a mission statement, right? Because a lot of times they don't know who they are.
Frank: Right.
Tiffany: They come in not knowing if there's a future, not seeing a future, and not seeing themselves in the future. So helping them to write this... for our listeners, it's like affirmations, but more than that, right? It's: who do I want to be? And the mission statement is in the present. It's not "I will be." It's "I am."
Frank: Right.
Tiffany: I am this because of this. Some of the boys have really long ones. Some of them change as they progress through treatment-
Frank: Right.
Tiffany: -and get even more insightful. And the boys stand up and say them every single day. Every single morning and every single night, and then they check in with their group: "Have I lived this mission statement?"
Frank: Yes. That's important.
Tiffany: Yeah. It's a really powerful thing.
Frank: It was important for me when I was saying it-
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: -to look in the mirror and tell that man I was looking at the mission statement, either in my mind or out loud.
Tiffany: Yeah. It's a really powerful tool, one of the things that they do there. So you made it through the evaluation. Barely, by the skin of your teeth. Now the real journey begins. Now the real work and the healing process start. What did that look like for your son and for your family?
Maintaining Boundaries and Accountability
Frank: It looked like showing our son that we were committed to his well-being, but also committed to our own well-being. How did we do that? By visiting, by talking to him, and by trying to understand what he said, but also, in the same breath, correcting him. Saying, "Hey, that's not the way it's going to be," or calling him out.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: If I can give you an example.
Tiffany: Please do.
Frank: There was an off-campus activity at one of the buildings in town, and I picked him up to take him out for the night. We were going to go... I think we were coming here.
Tiffany: Okay.
Frank: Midway, we were talking in the car, and he said something that I didn't believe. I said, "I don't believe you." He said, "Well, it's the truth." I said, "I'm giving you a chance to tell me the truth. I don't believe you." He said, "It is the truth." I said, "Well, I don't believe you." We turned around, made a U-turn, and came back.
Tiffany: Really?
Frank: The therapist met us at the door, and I told her, "This is what he was saying, and I didn't believe him, so I don't want him to go off campus anymore. He can lose his level." I forget what it was called, the level.
Tiffany: Yeah, there's an independence-
Frank: Independence.
Tiffany: Yes.
Frank: And I believe they took him off independence level.
Tiffany: Was he telling the truth or no?
Frank: No.
Tiffany: Okay.
Frank: No.
Tiffany: You knew it.
Frank: He confessed it later. But again, I stood by what I said to him, and he realized it, because on the way back he was saying, "I'm sorry, Dad. I'm just so sorry. Please, can I change...?" No. Uh-uh.
Tiffany: You held the boundary.
Frank: That's it. And it was important for me to do that.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: My wife has also kept him from going into an independent level when asked. She said, "No, he's not doing it. He's not ready for it," and we kept him back. Again, it helped us because we were standing firm, and he saw it.
Tiffany: Yeah. Well, in that story about your wife, she was telling us that she actually kept him back not only from his independent level, but from a visit for a holiday, right?
Frank: It's true.
Tiffany: That-
Frank: True.
Tiffany: That's hard, because I think a lot of parents want to... there's a selfish part, right? Where you want them to come home for the holidays. You want them to be with the family. You want things to be okay again.
Frank: Yep.
Tiffany: But if he wasn't ready and she knew it, she said no. It sounded like she stayed on campus with him for the holiday.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: Christmas, was it?
Frank: Yes, it was.
Tiffany: It's a big one...
Frank: It was a big one, and again, it just goes to show the impact of his actions. It impacted me and the rest of the family because Mom wasn't there during Christmas.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: She was over here baking, whatever.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: But she was with our son because of his-
Tiffany: His actions.
Frank: -his actions.
Tiffany: I think that's such a big healing part for families. A part I got to work with a lot of parents on: whether their son chose to heal, take accountability, and move forward, a lot of parents had to be given that "permission." Maybe not you guys, but a lot of parents have to be given permission to be the king and queen again. To be able to hold those boundaries, to know that it's okay, and that you can still love them, like you said in our last episode: "I love you, but I don't like the choices you're making."
Frank: Correct.
Tiffany: Right? There's love there, but trust doesn't come automatically with love.
Frank: Right.
Tiffany: It has to be earned, right? I had some parents call me recently - their son is doing well, and he's not having any of the issues that originally brought him to Oxbow, but he's struggling in other areas. He's working on getting his GED, holding down a good job, but there are other things they're navigating. The biggest takeaway for them was learning it's okay to let him make his own choices. We'll talk about this with your son in the next episode, too, but they learned to hold those boundaries and realize their son isn't going to disown them or think they don't love him. That love is still there-
Frank: Right. Yep.
Tiffany: -with the boundaries. In fact, even more so.
Frank: At one point, we had a board. Whenever I'd talk to him, I'd write T-R-U-S-T up there. If I didn't believe him, I'd erase a letter. He would say, "Do I earn my letter back, Dad?" I'd say, "What do you mean, son?" "Part of trust." It's something that we build on, that we work on. It's not only a word; it's something that you have to hold tight and stick to, because trust doesn't mean you don't love them.
Tiffany: Absolutely.
Frank: And that's the key that he learned. Trust is something that is earned, that grows, and as it grows, the true love comes out.
Equine and Family Therapy Models
Tiffany: Oh, I love it. Let's talk about what actual therapy looked like for you and your son. It sounds like he had individual therapy, right?
Frank: Correct.
Tiffany: Family therapy.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: Help our listeners know what that looked like - kind of the process and the day-to-day?
Frank: The therapy that we went through included equine therapy.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: That was so-
Tiffany: Let's talk about that.
Frank: -eye-opening, so awesome. How did that work? It showed me, as well as our son and the rest of the boys, that when they worked with a horse, they could pull the horse, but if the horse didn't want to go-
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: -it wasn't going. It wasn't moving, and they could not make it move. The therapist at the time related it: "Here's your horse. Here's you. You are now switching roles. You are the horse. You either want to come with us and grow and be part of it, part of the herd, or you don't. And no matter what we do, we can't pull it out of you. It's going to have to be your choice." That opened my eyes, and it opened our son's eyes that it is up to us, individually. That is what helped him. I know it's what helped him because we talk about it.
He was scared of putting a saddle on a horse. The person who walked him through it showed him and talked about the comparison between the horse, the saddle, him, and his issues. We sat there looking at it, relating to it: us, our son, the saddle, and the issues. We grew with that therapy. Then, of course, he did saddle the horse, he did mount the horse, he felt so much better, and it opened him up to be more open.
Then we had the family sessions.
Tiffany: Family sessions, yeah.
Frank: Family sessions, which were twice a year back then, I believe.
Tiffany: Oh, you're talking about the parent seminars.
Frank: Parent seminars.
Tiffany: They now call them family days.
Frank: Okay.
Tiffany: Because they wanted to focus not just on the parents, but on the whole family system. But yeah, they have them a couple of times a year. I'm not sure exactly how many times.
Frank: Yeah.
Tiffany: But all the families get to come out - the parents come out and go through the seminar with their son and do equine therapy in person. It's a really neat couple of days.
Frank: Yes, it is. Getting to know the families and their sons... we built close relationships with some of those families.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: But it was also really gratifying after our son graduated when I would come back - or me and my wife would come back - to sit in different groups with these families who were scared.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: Ashamed.
Tiffany: Yes.
Frank: And wondering, "What's going to happen?" To hear... I loved it, because I grew from that.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: It fortified my feelings of how we had grown as a family.
Tiffany: What was it like going to these family days? You had parent support groups. What was it like having to open up in those groups, share your story with other parents, and hear theirs? Was it hard? Was it easy?
Frank: Like I said, I went into therapy with both feet.
Tiffany: Yep.
Frank: There wasn't one foot out the door or being afraid... No. I made it very clear to our groups: "I'm going to be very honest with you, because if I'm not honest with you, what good is it to say anything?" So even though... Excuse me...
Tiffany: It's okay. Take your time.
Frank: Even though it hurt...
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: It was good. It was good. I know it helped the families we became friends with, because we talked about it.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: It was very clear that honesty was necessary from us as parents to our sons regarding how they made us feel. Well, actually, they didn't make us feel; their actions made us feel. We allowed those actions to hurt us. It helped the growth between our son, their sons, and us as a family.
The families that we occasionally stay in touch with now - their sons and them - have accepted it. Our son didn't become the person I wanted him to be in a straight line, with "yes, sir," and this and that. No. He is himself, but he knows his boundaries, and he sticks to his growth every day. I see it whenever we talk to each other, and it's so gratifying to know that I have a son who loves me the way he does because of what we've gone through.
Tiffany: You guys have gone through a lot, and you really are powerhouses at your own parent seminars or family days. Being able to come back - which I want to dive into more in our next episode - is amazing. I remember sitting in some of those parent support groups, hearing your story, and hearing you call out parents. I distinctly remember you talking about how it was okay to feel what you felt. Your vulnerability and authenticity not only allow you to heal and own your story, but like we said recently, it helps others to heal, too.
Frank: Yep. Speaking from a father's point of view-
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: -there are a lot of fathers out there who play the "macho man." "No, I can't allow this to happen." Well, I'm sorry, but it is happening inside. If you have love for that son, it is happening inside.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: You just have to let it out.
Tiffany: It's hard. I think with the stigma of being a man, there's a feeling that you can't show those feelings.
Frank: Exactly.
Tiffany: You can't express the anger, the happiness, the joy, the tears, the pain - all of it, right? Women are allowed to; we get to.
Frank: Right.
Tiffany: For men, it's harder. But you need it just as much as anybody else to heal.
Frank: Very much so. Like my wife and I said, it's okay not to be on the same page.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: But we're in the same book, and the name of that book is Love. We grew with that, and we still say that. Because if you try to be on the exact same page, one of us is going to disagree with the other. So accept it. You don't have to agree on everything happening to your son or to yourself. "This is the way I'm receiving what's taking place, and it's okay for you to receive it your way, and we'll live with it - but we're in the same book."
Tiffany: I love it. I love that you may not be on the same page, but you're in the same chapter and in the same book, and that's what counts. I'm sure that journey ebbed and flowed throughout treatment, right?
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: Because it sounds like she had-
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: -to go through her own healing. You had to go through your own healing, anger, shame, and whatever emotions came up. How were you guys able to support each other while being in different places, like during family sessions?
Frank: Knowing that it was okay to be on separate pages. When we were in family sessions and groups, we would say that: "It's okay."
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: Whatever my wife said, I wasn't going to contradict her, because those were her feelings.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: Whatever I said, she wasn't going to contradict me. Now, she might correct me! But no, it was something we grew with that helped us. Today, we're still that way. That's where our true love - not only for ourselves, but for our family and for our son - really comes from.
Tiffany: I'm sure that's what helped you get through this really difficult journey.
Frank: Yes.
The Clarification and Reunification Process
Frank: Most definitely. That, and knowing God was there - it just helped.
Tiffany: Yeah. Just to talk a little bit... we don't have to go into detail, but let's talk to our listeners about the clarification process. Once we know there are possibly victims inside or outside the home, there has to be clarification. Sometimes - not always, but sometimes - there is reunification if they are going to see that person again and if that person is willing to be reunified.
Maybe I can explain a little bit about it to our listeners. Clarification involves writing an accountability-type letter or statement to anyone you have hurt. It doesn't have to be sexual; it can be anyone you've hurt emotionally or behaviorally. Then, if that person who is considered a victim is willing, able, and in an emotionally stable place... often, if we have a true victim who is a sexual victim, they have a therapist they're working with, and that therapist has to be involved to ensure the victim is ready and wants to hear this, with a support system around them.
So then your son, or one of the boys from Oxbow, can come in, take accountability, own what happened, and help the victim realize it wasn't their fault, right? And hopefully establish reunification if it's someone in the family they're going to see again. But that's not always how it goes.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: It's not always linear progress. Sometimes the victim isn't ready. Sometimes they don't want to hear it. Sometimes they're too young. There can be a number of things. Family dynamics are tricky, complicated, and complex. It's not a simple, "I'm just going to clarify, and things are going to be better again."
Frank: While you were speaking, I can tell you about my own clarification as I was going through therapy. I had to do that with each and every one of my family members. Being a person with PTS, I had a very difficult time accepting that I was at fault. So I wrote a letter to every one of my family members, including my ex-wife, and explained to them what and why I felt I did it, and who was at fault. Not them - me. At the end, I told them, "I hope you accept this and forgive me for it, but if you don't, I'm good with it."
Tiffany: That's a beautiful process. And your son had to do the same, right?
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: For his own actions...
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: ...and situations.
Frank: And the result is where we are today.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: It's our love for each other, our family.
Tiffany: I think a lot of families who place their child at a treatment center worry, "Is my child going to be safe?" Especially at Oxbow, considering the nature of the sexual issues, they don't want those issues compounded by other kids and their influence. Did you feel like your son was safe during his time at Oxbow?
Frank: Very safe. I'll explain it this way: during a couple of phone calls between therapists and our son, I felt like telling him, "We need to put music to this," because it was one step forward and two steps back. One step forward and two steps back.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: Now, was he influenced by the way some of the other boys thought? Yes, he was. But the other part was that he was in a safe environment - not just from physical attack, but also mentally - because of how all these different issues were addressed with the other boys. The fact that his therapist was there for him, he knew that. He could talk about it. As he grew within the system, the safety factor was there. Like I said in the beginning, when we walked through and visited Oxbow, I felt he was safe physically. As time went on, I felt he was safe mentally.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: A person can be indoctrinated at a young age.
Tiffany: Oh, yeah.
Frank: A lot of the issues the other boys had may not have been the same as our son's, but they can be influential.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: But he was safe. Yes.
Tiffany: Oxbow has a culture of transparency and accountability where even if anything were to happen, it's going to come out.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: The truth always comes out. If there's anything slightly concerning, it comes to light. Knowing that's part of the culture, along with physical and emotional safety, is critical as you watch him go through these particular issues.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: Yes. One example that just came to mind: when the boys were going to an event, they rode in the treatment vans.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: One boy put his hand on another boy's knee, and right away another boy spoke up and said, "Hey, that's not allowed."
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: We weren't there to see it, but it was told to us. It was so good because the boy stood up and admitted he was wrong: "I was wrong in doing that." He accepted it.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: That showed me that our son was learning to accept accountability, too.
Identifying Major Empathy Breakthroughs
Tiffany: I love it. That's a great example of the accountability that happens in that culture.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: What were the biggest breakthroughs you felt your son or you as a family had during treatment?
Frank: When he showed empathy - that, yes, he had hurt us, and what his actions did. When he showed that to us, that was a big, big... Before then, it was like looking at a wall. "No, I didn't do that." No, "I'm sorry." No. When he showed empathy to our family, to us, that right there was the biggest breakthrough for us, because it's powerful. It's powerful because it's showing his true feeling about his action - not a fake feeling.
Tiffany: It's also showing that he's not only taking ownership, but coming back to reality. Again, I feel like a lot of the boys shift from reality. They are able to distance themselves from what they're doing, justify it, and kind of live in this fantasy world that "it's okay, what's happening," "I'm not going to get caught," or "that person's not really getting hurt," right?
So when you have to go through this process of accountability, transparency, and the polygraph, it's tough. It's tough to show any empathy, because if you show empathy, what does it mean? It means, "I did it, and I caused you pain."
Frank: Yeah. And "I'm weak."
Tiffany: Yeah. Right? Vulnerable...
Frank: For a male to say he's weak or vulnerable... ugh.
Tiffany: Yeah. A lot of parents talk about that - that there's no remorse, there's no empathy, right?
Frank: Right.
Tiffany: That's a very common theme in the beginning part of therapy. So, like you said, a big breakthrough is when you get to see that true, genuine empathy.
Frank: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Tiffany: Because they're now realizing they're back in reality. They're out of the fantasy world.
Frank: And the biggest thing now - he's showing that to his wife. Because he supports her.
Tiffany: Spoiler alert: he got married!
Frank: Yes. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.
Tiffany: No, you're good. You're good.
Frank: Yes. Sixteen years later...
Tiffany: It's something to look forward to.
Frank: Yeah.
Tiffany: No, that's amazing. That's amazing that he gets to show that empathy for his wife. Hold that thought; we'll get there.
Frank: Oh, yeah.
Tiffany: What was your relationship like with your son during his time in the program and treatment?
Frank: It was guarded. Why was it guarded? Because I did not really, at first, believe that he was disclosing everything. But as it grew through therapy - through my therapy with y'all - it grew into an understanding that, hey, the truth was coming out.
But then again, in the same respect, I was sort of backing off because I didn't want to be hurt. I was unsure. When he graduates from this, what's going to happen? I'm unsure. Is he going to come home? Is he going to do the same things? So there was uncertainty about what the future held.
I was sort of standoffish throughout everything. But in the same respect, I wanted to be transparent with him about how I felt, and I needed to be. Otherwise, he might always think that I was the drill sergeant I always was as he was growing up, and I didn't want that.
Tiffany: I love your transparency with him. I remember you talking about having to tell him that you finally got the courage to tell him you were angry and in pain, without having to protect him from that, right?
Frank: Right.
Tiffany: What got you to that place to finally be able to be truly vulnerable with him?
Frank: Because I needed to be truthful to myself. If I held it back and didn't let him know how much it hurt me, and how much it hurt my wife - his mom - then where are we? We're back at the door, and the door is closed because I'm not allowing myself to make my true feelings known to him about what those actions cost. No matter what kind of tough guy I tried to be, I had to let him know that, yeah, my heart hurt, and the reason it hurt is because I loved him.
Tiffany: To our listeners, that takes a lot of work to get to where you are and where you were. You've done the work. That's the thing I keep hearing in this episode: it's not only about your son getting help; it's about you doing the work and getting help yourself.
Frank: Very much so. And also my wife helping me understand, and me helping her... Like I said, we don't need to be on the same page. We're just in the same chapter and the same book, and that's okay. Being vulnerable enough as a husband to say that to his wife - to let that weakness, as I used to call it, show - was a big step for me. It was a big step for me, and still is.
Advice for Parents Seeking Help
Tiffany: Yeah. Frank, you have amazing words of love and wisdom. What advice would you give to our parents listening who think that treatment is only about their child?
Frank: Phew. I've got to say this: it's not. Of course. I hope everything I've said here has shown that it's not.
Tiffany: Absolutely.
Frank: Because you cannot help your son or anybody in your family unless you get help yourself. I used to say that in the groups here: we need the help, because we cannot help them without it. How can a doctor help you if the doctor has no education or no reason to? The reason we have is because we love our child. So seeking help is not weakness, like I used to think. Seeking help is strength, because we have to admit to ourselves that we need to grow to be a loving family.
Tiffany: Oh, Frank, thank you so much. You're making me tear up. Thank you so much for sharing the hard part of your journey through life and getting through Oxbow, and the need to show up for yourself to get help so that you can be a loving family, like you said.
To our listeners, thank you for tuning in today and for listening to Frank's story. Stay tuned for our next episode, where we're going to be talking about what life is like now that Oxbow is done. Stay tuned; that's what's coming in our next episode. Thank you so much, Frank.
Frank: My pleasure. Thank you.
You Have Questions, We Have Answers. Your Call is Confidential.
Contact us if you need help with treatment for sexual addiction, sexual abuse, pornography abuse, and other compulsive behavior issues.