Beyond Treatment: Loving the Son You Have, Not the Son You Imagined
Sixteen years after his son completed treatment at Oxbow Academy, Frank reflects on the power of tough love, letting go of expectations, and finding healing as a father & family. Discover how stepping back from "fixing" allowed his son to take accountability and build a meaningful life.
In this episode of the podcast, host Tiffany sits down with Frank to discuss his family's journey 16 years after his son completed treatment at Oxbow Academy. Frank opens up about the long-term reality of post-graduation life, navigating career changes, and learning to let go of original expectations. Together, they reflect on the transformative power of parental healing, vulnerability, and holding firm boundaries rooted in love.
Key Topics Discussed
- Navigating Post-Graduation Life: Managing the transition after treatment, holding young adults accountable through life struggles, and supporting their independence without enabling them.
- Redefining Parental Expectations: Learning to love and accept your child for who they truly are rather than who you envisioned them to be.
- The Power of Vulnerability and Tough Love: How fathers can break down rigid "tough man" stereotypes, embrace therapeutic healing, and set healthy boundaries that foster real growth.
- Long-Term Healing & Hope: A 16-year retrospective on life after Oxbow Academy, offering encouragement to families who are just beginning their treatment journey.
If you are a parent feeling overwhelmed, isolated, or uncertain about your child's future, listening to Frank’s 16-year perspective will give you a reassuring message of hope and clarity. His story serves as a powerful reminder that while you cannot control every step of your child's path, taking steps toward your own healing will transform your family dynamic. We encourage you to listen to the full episode to gain practical insights and comfort for your own family's journey.
Navigating your family's healing process can be overwhelming. Oxbow Academy helps families move through hardship toward real healing, trust, and long-term recovery. Call our admissions team today at 855-676-4272 to learn about treatment options tailored to your family's needs.
Life After Oxbow Academy
Tiffany: Thank you so much again for rejoining us. For our listeners who are just tuning in, in our last two episodes we talked with Frank about what led his son to need Oxbow, as well as what life was like while he was at Oxbow Academy. In this episode, we are going to be talking about what the last 16 years have been like since he left Oxbow Academy. Right?
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: 16 years.
Frank: Yes, 16 years.
Tiffany: That's a long time.
Frank: Long time. Long time. Wow.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: Yep.
Tiffany: In our last episode, we talked about how you needed to get treatment and your own therapy. Your personal healing was crucial so your son could also heal and progress out of Oxbow, right?
Frank: True. Yes, definitely.
Tiffany: That was a big part of it.
Frank: Yep.
Tiffany: Interestingly, though, your son didn't go straight home after Oxbow. Why was that?
Navigating Post-Graduation Transitions
Frank: No, he did not. My wife and I had discussed this as his graduation date approached. The reason was that neither my wife nor I felt comfortable bringing him home because we didn't want to keep reliving what had happened at our house. So we decided against it. We talked to him about it, and he said, "Okay, no problem."
Tiffany: Really?
Frank: Yes. When he graduated, we kept him here in Utah and signed him up at UVU.
Tiffany: Okay, so he was of age to graduate high school and go off to college.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: That's unique.
Frank: It was very good. He actually stayed at Oxbow a little longer because he wanted to graduate high school there.
Tiffany: That's right, he wanted to graduate high school.
Frank: Yes, and that was a very proud moment for us. It really was a good moment. So we enrolled him at UVU, got him an apartment, and before long, he let us know that university was not his cup of tea.
Career Struggles and Personal Accountability
Tiffany: Okay.
Frank: He did not want to go. I said, "Okay, no problem. What do you want to do?" He said, "I want to become a hairdresser." I said, "Okay, no problem. We'll find you a school." We were still supportive. But then we got a phone call that he had been asked to move out of his apartment because of rule violations. So, okay, we got him another apartment and found a cosmetology school here in Utah for him to attend. Then we got news that he had dropped out of the school because a customer was displeased with how he styled her hair. Now, this is a school.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: The customer should have known, "Hey, these students are learning how to do hair."
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: But she went off on him, and he was traumatized by it. Around that same time, we found out he had been asked to leave the second apartment we got for him. When he called me, he said, "Dad, I've been asked to leave the apartment. I've been kicked out." I said, "Okay, that's fine. What are you going to do?" He said, "Well, I need to find a place." I said, "You're correct. You need to find a place."
Tiffany: Yeah. Not "Will you find me a place," right?
Frank: Exactly.
Tiffany: I love that, because the focus isn't on what you are going to do- it's on what he is going to do.
Frank: Exactly.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Marriage and Long-term Stability
Frank: He found a young lady- well, they found each other- and now he's married. But through that whole process, we had to stand our ground and be truthful with ourselves and with him. I feel, and I'm sure he would agree, that this helped him become who he is today. Now, is he the son I wish he was, like a brain surgeon or a military leader? No. But he is who he is, and I love him for it. He's staying out of trouble, he's married, and he has a beautiful wife. He uses what he learned at Oxbow to help her through her tough times, and he acknowledges that. He says, "From what I learned at Oxbow, the tools I have, I can help my wife," and he does.
Tiffany: That's amazing.
Frank: You can't beat that. But he's still our son.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: The empathy he shows to his wife is awesome.
Tiffany: Yeah, you were talking about how he helps her through her own issues using the tools he learned at Oxbow.
Frank: Yes, and those tools helped him as well.
Tiffany: Yeah. It must have been so painful to watch him face struggle after struggle. I don't think that's uncommon. It sounds like he didn't return to the issues that sent him to Oxbow in the first place, correct?
Frank: No, not that we know of.
Tiffany: Not that you know of. Yet, he didn't come out as this perfect young adult right away, right?
Frank: Correct.
Tiffany: Yeah. It took him some time to get on his feet. Do you know what the turning point was for him to get on his feet and find his wife?
Frank: I think it was when he met his wife and realized what had happened to her in her past. I think he got a real feel for the impact of what he had done because similar things had happened to her.
Tiffany: Oh, okay.
Frank: I feel it was an eye-opener for him, though we've never explicitly discussed it. But he shows her a lot of love. And like I told him, "You better."
Tiffany: Yeah.
The Power of Tough Love & Setting Healing Boundaries
Frank: You know, it's funny. Let me jump back a little bit.
Tiffany: Yeah, please.
Frank: We were talking once and I said, "Son, all this time, everything you went through was tough love." I said, "Do you know what tough love is?" He said, "Yeah, Dad, you were pretty tough on me." I said, "No, man. Tough love is what we felt in our hearts every time we stood our ground."
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: That's tough love. Love is tough. Trust is tough, but it grows with love.
Tiffany: Yeah, I love that. Tough love really is about holding a hard boundary out of love, right?
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: We were talking about this before the recording: some of the most valuable work done with parents at Oxbow Academy is teaching them that it is okay to hold tough boundaries, protect your own mental health, and allow your son to struggle. You have to allow him to make his own choices and be accountable without jumping in to rescue him, right?
Frank: Correct.
Tiffany: That support is often the most valuable piece that allows these young men to heal. Sure, they may stumble. Recovery isn't a straight line where they instantly become a perfect young adult or fulfill every specific expectation. They are going to stumble and face different struggles in life, but as long as you continue to offer tough love and hold those boundaries, they eventually figure it out.
Frank: Yeah.
Tiffany: They work through it in their own way, right?
Frank: Exactly. And as a parent, you have to be okay with who they are becoming. As they transition out of Oxbow and use those tools, they are growing into who they are going to be, not who we expect or want them to be.
Tiffany: I love that.
Frank: Speaking for myself, there is a big difference between who a parent wants their child to be versus who the child truly is and feels comfortable being. As long as he keeps growing, I tell him that I love him and that I'm proud of him. I really mean it. It means so much to me to be able to tell him that with all my heart, because I am truly proud of who he is. But he is who he is.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: Yep.
Reflecting on the Healing Journey
Tiffany: Hearing the love and empathy you have after everything you have been through is so powerful, and we really only heard the tip of the iceberg today.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: We didn't dive into every detail, but looking at the full picture- from adopting him, to discovering he had been abused, to learning there were other victims he had harmed, to the pornography and other sexual issues, and then going through all of that at Oxbow Academy. Even after Oxbow, watching him struggle to function and become an adult- even if those weren't sexual struggles- you still feel so much love and joy for him. Hearing you say how proud you are of him is amazing. It has been incredible to hear this story unfold on the podcast, and we appreciate you being so vulnerable about his journey and the journey you have taken yourself.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: And the healing you have experienced.
Frank: My wife and I have both healed a lot. It is tremendous to know our son is doing well and, as far as we know, has not reverted back to what brought him to Oxbow in the first place. Instead, he learned from it and grew from it.
Tiffany: And he is still learning from it.
Frank: He is still learning from it. Even at 78 years old, I am still learning the true value of family love. To me, that brings a tremendous feeling of peace.
Supporting Other Families in Need
Tiffany: It really is. And as we talked about in a previous episode, you've actually been able to go back to Oxbow Academy to share that hope and healing with other parents during family days.
Frank: Yes. Speaking for both my wife and myself, it was a pleasure and a true learning experience. We loved helping other families, and that's the main reason I'm here doing this podcast today.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: I want other families to know that they are not alone on this journey. There are going to be plenty of bumps along the road- just like driving down I-15 and hitting potholes. But there are people available to help, and we have to be willing to accept that help. Our sons can't receive help until they are ready to accept it, either.
Tiffany: Absolutely.
Frank: Oxbow plays a huge role in helping them realize, "It's okay. We are here to support you, not to control or dictate your life. We are here to teach you how to help yourself."
Tiffany: That's the most important part.
Frank: They teach them how to grow. That is what I have witnessed firsthand. We still keep in touch with other families from 16 years ago, and their sons have grown into their own person and are doing well. As far as we know, they are happy.
Tiffany: What a beautiful message of hope for our listeners, especially those who are just starting this journey. For anyone who feels overwhelmed by darkness and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, hearing you look back after 16 years and say, "It helped, there is hope, and there is healing," is so powerful. You can't control the choices your son makes or whether he accepts the help, but you can control getting help and healing for yourself while providing that opportunity for him.
Frank: Exactly. Think of it like raising a baby: at first you feed them, then they learn to feed themselves, and eventually they tell you what they like and don't like. But through every stage, you are still there for them. You stop spoon-feeding them, but as a parent, you grow alongside them. You let them know, "We are still here for you, and we love you, even if we don't like all of your choices."
Tiffany: Exactly. There's nothing wrong with that.
Frank: Nothing wrong at all. It doesn't mean you love them any less.
Tiffany: No, it doesn't.
Frank: Parents are not alone in this. I'll say that over and over again.
Surprises and Growth Through Vulnerability
Tiffany: I love it. Frank, what has been the biggest surprise about life after treatment?
Frank: Wow. Treatment for myself, or for my son?
Tiffany: Both.
Frank: The biggest thing is the mutual love and respect my son and I share now. We respect each other instead of fearing each other, and we have built that together. For myself, the biggest change is that I have learned to truly love my son and my wife. Before, I held onto a "tough man image," but therapy helped change that. Going through this experience with our son was tremendously helpful, and going through therapy through the VA helped me become a godly man, a loving husband, and a loving father. Without that, I would still be out on the streets. Not living there, but I would be useless.
Tiffany: I would say you are an even stronger, more masculine man today because you are able to show love and vulnerability. It takes true strength and courage to show up that way.
Frank: Thank you.
Tiffany: What do you wish you had known before starting this journey?
Frank: Honestly? Nothing.
Tiffany: Yeah?
Frank: If I had known what to expect, I would have tried to control the outcome. Simply following the path without knowing what lay ahead was the biggest help. Putting our son into treatment prompted me to get help for myself. Not knowing what was coming helped our family because it forced me to let the process happen. Do I agree with every single detail? No, but I'm human. Still, I wouldn't change anything I've been through to get to where I am today.
Tiffany: It sounds like trusting the process took a massive leap of faith, but you are incredibly grateful for where it led you.
Frank: More than you can imagine. Opening up, being willing to be hurt, and allowing myself to be vulnerable made all the difference.
Tiffany: You nailed it. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you might experience pain, but you also open the door to the intense joy that comes with healing.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: You can't have one without the other. They go hand-in-hand when you go through something this challenging.
Frank: Absolutely.
Advice for Struggling Fathers
Tiffany: What would you tell a dad who feels like he has to hold everything together alone and finds himself in the same place you once were?
Frank: I would tell him that as dads and husbands, we cannot fix everything. We can, however, listen to everything. We need to be open and willing to listen to what our sons, our wives, our whole families have to say. Sometimes when I blurt something out, my wife will ask, "Could you have said that differently? How could you have said that differently?" That makes me stop and think, "You're right." Leave your old self behind, open up, be vulnerable, and accept the relief and joy you will receive down the road by being a true man. I shouldn't say that. I'm sorry.
Tiffany: No, you should say that! I completely agree. A true man is able to show up, be vulnerable, express his emotions, and be there for his family in the way they need him.
Frank: Yep, I agree. That is what helped us.
Tiffany: Frank, is there anything else you want to leave with our listeners before we end?
Final Thoughts
Frank: Yes, I do.
Tiffany: Go ahead.
Frank: Please, for your own sake, step in with both feet and move forward with the help that is available here at Oxbow. To us, Oxbow is spelled in all capital letters because it truly helped us tremendously as individuals and as a family. There isn't just a light at the end of the tunnel- there is a massive opening waiting for you as your son grows.
Remember, he isn't going to be the exact son you envisioned him to be. He is going to be the person who has learned from Oxbow and utilizes those tools. Is he going to stumble? Is he going to bump his shins? Yeah, but that's okay. How many times did he fall down as a toddler until he learned how to walk?
Tiffany: I've got a toddler right now, so I can tell you: many times a day!
Frank: Many times. It is so gratifying to be here and to relive the moments my wife and I shared during the family sessions when we used to come back. We still stay in touch with those families. When I reach out, I don't ask how their sons are doing- I ask how they are doing, because that's what is important. Their sons have already grown. 16 years have gone by. I mean- do the math.
Tiffany: It's crazy.
Frank: Yep.
Tiffany: Frank, I have loved listening to your story and reconnecting with you. You and your family hold a very dear place in my heart, and I love the people you are. You bring light, love, authenticity, and a true model of what a man should be. Thank you for showing up, being vulnerable and courageous, and sharing your heart. This is going to help so many listeners who feel alone, especially the dads who need to realize they don't have to carry everything by themselves or fix it all on their own.
Frank: Yeah. And you don't even have to be on the exact same page.
Tiffany: Exactly. You don't have to be on the same page- just in the same book, and hopefully in the same chapter, right?
Frank: Exactly.
Tiffany: I love that analogy. Thank you so much for sharing and for coming here today.
Frank: Thank you for the invitation. I'm proud to be here.
Tiffany: It's been an honor.
Frank: Thank you.
Tiffany: Thanks.
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