From Isolation to Hope: A Father’s Perspective Through His Son's Treatment
In this episode, host Tiffany Silva Herlin, LCSW, and Frank, a father of an Oxbow Academy graduate, explore breaking generational cycles, prioritizing parents’ mental health, and moving past isolation into true family healing. Frank shares his family’s 16-year perspective on navigating his son’s adolescent sexual behavior issues and finding long-term recovery at Oxbow Academy.
In the first episode of this 3-part podcast series, host Tiffany Silva-Herlin, LCSW, sits down with Frank, a veteran and father who shares his family's deeply personal journey through his son's residential treatment at Oxbow Academy. Together, they discuss the heavy emotions, isolation, and harsh labels that often accompany adolescent sexual behavior issues, offering an honest look at what it takes to navigate crisis and move toward lasting recovery. Looking back 16 years later, Frank reflects on the transformative power of parent involvement, strict supervision, and continuous therapeutic support for the entire family.
Key Topics Discussed
- Overcoming Isolation and Shame: Overcoming the stigma surrounding adolescent sexual behavior issues and recognizing that you are not alone on this journey.
- Recognizing the Signs: Shifting away from "boys will be boys" mindsets and identifying when a child requires specialized residential treatment.
- Parental Healing & Mental Health: Understanding why parents must engage in their own therapeutic growth to best support their son's long-term success.
- Finding Hope and High Supervision: Why structure, safety measures, and continuous support create a path toward family restoration.
If you are currently feeling trapped or overwhelmed by your child's struggles, hearing how Frank’s family navigated these exact challenges can provide the clarity, direction, and comfort you need to take the next step forward. You do not have to carry this burden in isolation- healing and real second chances are entirely possible for your family.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by the treatment process, remember that seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Contact us today at 855-676-4272 to learn how we can help guide your family toward lasting connection.
Breaking Cycles and Finding Hope
Tiffany: Frank, thank you so much for coming here. I'm so excited for our guests to hear your story. You have such a light and an energy about you that our audience is gonna love. So thank you for coming here today.
Frank: Thank you for asking me, and it's an honor.
Tiffany: It's an honor to be able to hold space for your story, too-
Frank: Yep.
Tiffany: -honestly.
Frank: Yep. It really is.
Tiffany: Frank, start off with telling us a little bit about yourself, and why did you want to share your story-
Frank: Yeah.
Tiffany: -in this podcast?
Frank: It's something that when we were here, we realized that we were not alone. Excuse me- it's been a long road, but a short road, but anyway... letting other families know that there's life beyond what we're going through, what we went through, that was very important to me and to my wife. To be able to come back and to help, because with what's going on out in the world today, we're not the only ones that are experiencing it. The good part about it is the fact that we are doing something about it- recognizing it, taking action, and trying to help our family, and our son will benefit from that.
Tiffany: You guys are change agents, really. I mean, you guys are breaking cycles that have happened and creating a second chance for your son and for your family. That's really miraculous, honestly.
Frank: Well, thank you. Yep. It's been a long road. It's always a continuous road no matter how many children you have, but if you have one that needs the help... Like I've told other parents when I've heard them say, "I wish I would've known the signs, seen the signs..."
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: Well, unless you've had two or three children who have gone and done what our children are going through, then you will not recognize the signs. But you will feel yourself- we did- crowded and wanting to do something. And the old saying of "boys will be boys" or "they will grow out of it..." no.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Addressing Shame and the Importance of Parents' Mental Health
Frank: We need to do something when we feel we really need to, and that's why I'm here. I wanna let parents know that there is help. There's no shame in it. There's no loneliness- the only loneliness you really feel is when you're sitting there in a corner thinking that you're the only one. But we're not. We're not.
Tiffany: That's so true. Having a son come to Oxbow for sexual behavior issues feels so isolating. It feels like, "This can't be me. It's not my son, right?" And then you feel the shame, and feel so alone, but the truth is when you get there, you're not.
Frank: True. That's true.
Tiffany: There's so many other parents who are going through similar things, and that just takes the weight off of it a little bit, right?
Frank: Yes. Being able to accept that there is help out there, not only for our sons, but for us.
Tiffany: Yes.
Frank: And that is very important. Very important. Our mental health helps their mental health.
Tiffany: Absolutely. I always say if I can get the parents to get on board with therapy and to get on board with the changes they need to make, then you have a 100% chance of your son getting better. Honestly, I know that's far out there, but really, if the parents get on board and are doing as much hard work, if not more, than their kid, then you're gonna see changes in your kid in therapy.
Frank: Yep. The one thing that our son realized is that the mission statement that he came up with and made himself- I don't know if they still do it.
Tiffany: They still do mission statements there.
Frank: I made a mission statement for myself.
Tiffany: I did too, actually. I love it.
Frank: And it helped.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: Because my mental health really, really helped him. And learning to stick by what I learned here and during my own therapy has helped us today, where we can now actually look at each other and say we love each other.
Family Background and Adoption Journey
Tiffany: And that's a lot, knowing where you guys have come from. So I'm excited for our listeners to hear. Let me dive into a little bit about yourself and about your son. You're a veteran, right?
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: And you were saying- how many are in your family? Let me start there.
Frank: Well, we have two daughters, two sons, seven grandchildren- or maybe eight. I don't know, I don't keep count.
Tiffany: Lose track at this point.
Frank: But they're out there. But yeah, our son- the one who came here to Oxbow- he's adopted. Our oldest son, he was adopted in my first marriage, and we had issues we went through with that. But yeah, I mean, our family life really and truly is, shall I say, "typical American"? We have our issues-
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: -and we work through them. And our granddaughters, they call us when they have issues, and they talk to us, and we listen. But all this was learned through the help that I received. Before I got help- you didn't wanna know me. No.
Tiffany: I have a hard time believing that, but we all have our past, right?
Frank: Correct.
Tiffany: Just so our listeners know, Frank is the sweetest, kindest, most genuine person you can talk to. I'm not just saying this- I genuinely mean it. You come in the room, and there is a lot of love that you have to give.
Frank: Thank you.
Tiffany: And I feel that often. I didn't get to work with you guys at Oxbow as a therapist, but man, just so our listeners know, you guys came back for multiple parent seminars and talked to the families who are going through it, and you guys are powerhouses.
Frank: And that was not only help for them, but reinforcing for us. And that right there, it was such a gratification to see, at the end of the parent seminars, seeing the parents smile and laugh and talk to each other about the issues.
Tiffany: Again, realizing you're not alone.
Frank: Correct.
Tiffany: You're in this together.
Frank: Correct.
Tiffany: Right? What led you guys to adopt your son, and what was the road like that led to Oxbow?
Frank: Okay. We adopted our son when he was three. His first three years of life were not good. He himself was molested. And he lived in a trailer. His biological mother was an addict.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: And...
Tiffany: That's heart-wrenching...
Frank: Our oldest son, we thought was the biological father. He was, as I like to call it, taking a vacation provided by the state. So-
Tiffany: A developmental vacation.
Frank: Exactly. All-inclusive.
Tiffany: Yes.
Frank: As it turned out, he was not the biological father. But as for our son who came here, he found out later who his biological father was, and he said, "No, good to know you, good to meet you, but y'all are my parents. And I had a good upbringing." So from what that statement meant to me, he considers everything he's been through worth it because of who he is today.
Tiffany: And just to give our listeners a little bit of a peek ahead- and we're not gonna dive into this yet- but how many years has your son been out of Oxbow now?
Frank: Ooh, 16, I think? 16 or 17.
Tiffany: So you're not just a year out. You're 16 years out. Okay, just had to give that perspective. More to come, more to come. You're talking way out there, and what a cool perspective that we get to have. So you adopted him at three.
Frank: Yep.
Tiffany: So when did you start realizing, "Oh, there's something deeper going on?"
Frank: Well, we lived in another country due to my wife's position and job, and that's where he got introduced to porn. At the school he was going to in fourth or fifth grade, he was an outcast. He was not accepted by all his peers, so he used to go and sit up in a tree and read a book while everybody else had recess. And then he met somebody who introduced him to the computer and how to get into porn. And that's when the first real issue popped up. But I thought, "Okay, he'll grow out of it."
Tiffany: "Boys will be boys," right?
Frank: "Boys will be boys." But as we came back to the States, it progressed, and he... How can I say it? Anyway, he took advantage of some other children. And so when that came to light, that's when my "army upbringing" came to life, and I interrogated him to the utmost.
Tiffany: I believe it.
Navigating Harsh Labels
Tiffany: And he confessed that he needed help. And so by then he was already in high school.
Frank: Okay.
Tiffany: Because in junior high, he had an issue. He was on the football team, trying out for it, and apparently he had an issue in the locker room. And so that was brought to our attention, and we thought it was all a disciplinary issue. We found a school in Texas that took adolescents for disciplinary actions, and the therapist there- I think he was there for six or eight months, because that's where we lived, in Texas, six or eight months. Then we got a call, went up there to talk to him, and he said, "Your son is a predator." He gave us a-
Tiffany: No parent wants to hear that...
Frank: -a news clipping of a young predator who had molested someone and was going to prison.
Tiffany: Oh.
Frank: And he essentially just told us, "Your son needs more help than what we can offer him."
Tiffany: Okay.
Frank: And when we talked to our son about it, he said, "I do."
Tiffany: Okay, so he realized.
Frank: Yep.
Tiffany: And I find that a lot of boys at Oxbow realize, "We have a problem." I would say most of the boys that come through the door realize, "We don't wanna have this problem. We have a problem." There are some who are in denial and say they don't need to be there-
Frank: Sure.
Tiffany: -right? You know, and that they don't belong with these other kids who have issues. But yeah, especially when they come in and realize, "No, I don't want this problem."
Frank: Yeah. Yep. I look at it like an alcoholic or an addict.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: They wanna quit, but they can't.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: They can't unless they receive real help and really seek help.
Tiffany: Yeah. I feel like there's often so much more shame than with an alcoholic or an addict, right, when you add the sexual piece, because it's such this "big monster in the closet"-
Frank: Sure.
Tiffany: -that you just wanna keep in there, but it keeps rearing its ugly head out, right?
Frank: Yep.
Tiffany: How did you grapple with the heaviness of him being called a predator, the shame, the isolation around that?
Frank: It was a shock. It was a shock at first. As far as shame, I don't feel that I ever experienced it.
Tiffany: Okay.
Frank: Because I was proud of who I was, and I thought that I was doing the best I could for him bringing him up. The key word is I thought, where in reality I wasn't. And so I was very strict. As for the shame, the loneliness- I always said, if anybody in the family asked, "It's a none ya." Meaning, that's none of your business. He's going to school somewhere, just don't worry about it.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: And so I said that, and my wife said that, and we kept it to ourselves. Now, as far as shame, I can't speak for my wife. I don't know. But I do know that I was very angry when I found out that she was a victim of his issues. And so... yeah, the floor fell out.
Tiffany: Oh, I bet. That's heavy to find that information out, and rightfully so- the anger is 100% valid.
Frank: Sure. Sure. It was. I can talk about it now-
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: -without anger, but I can talk about it and praise that I'm glad we are where we are right now, only because we found the help that we needed back then.
Finding the Right Treatment Program
Tiffany: And how did you take the first steps to look for placement at Oxbow?
Frank: Okay.
Tiffany: 'Cause that's-
Frank: Yep...
Tiffany: -that's hard.
Frank: That was very difficult, because when the therapist in Texas told us what he did, we had no idea where to go.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: But he-
Tiffany: Where to even start?
Frank: Exactly. But he recommended someone, a lady- for lack of a better title, a headhunter, that-
Tiffany: An educational consultant?
Frank: Thank you very much.
Tiffany: Yeah, there you go.
Frank: Yeah, that's it.
Tiffany: I knew it.
Frank: It sounds good.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: But yes, we contacted her, and she asked a bunch of questions about our son. She said there are some schools in Utah, and we thought, "Okay, let's go visit them." So we did, and we visited a couple of schools. We visited Oxbow in its youth.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: Way back-
Tiffany: -before I was even there.
Frank: Exactly. It was an experience for us.
Tiffany: Yeah. So you went and visited. You realized he needed more than outpatient therapy, or that the school in Texas wasn't doing enough-
Frank: Right.
Tiffany: -they couldn't meet his needs. So what made you choose Oxbow?
Frank: Okay. Like I said, we visited a couple of schools, and we saw how closely- or not closely- the students were supervised at those other schools.
Tiffany: Okay.
Frank: We came to Oxbow, and we saw a difference. The youth had people walking with them. If they went to the restroom, they were timed. Somebody was watching them at all times to make sure- as we were told- that none of their behaviors were expressed on any of the other students, or started something that... And it was 24/7. The one thing that we laugh about is the shoe closet.
Tiffany: Please enlighten us.
Frank: Back then, we walked through their dormitory, and they had the students remove their shoes every day before they went to bed-
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: -or once they were in there.
Tiffany: In the house.
Frank: In the house, and it was like a closet, and they opened the doors.
Tiffany: Did they really?
Frank: And I don't know if you can envision, or even want to think about, the smell that came out of that.
Tiffany: I can just... a green puff.
Frank: I forget how many students were there, but you figure times two. Those shoes had been well worn, and they needed help.
Tiffany: Well, teenage boys are stinky.
Frank: Yes. We've heard since then that they've changed it, and it's a lot better, but that was a funny part for us. We saw other students, how they sat, how they talked, and their mission statements- they were firm. Now, that right there... And then we went to where y'all have the big center now. I don't know what that's called.
Tiffany: Yeah, the main campus.
Frank: The main campus.
Tiffany: Yes.
Frank: And they had equine therapy.
Tiffany: Yes.
Frank: Back then, it was only three horses and a mule.
Tiffany: Yep.
Frank: We all sat under a little shed. It was just awesome, the way the therapists worked with the horses to teach the boys how to compare themselves to the horses. It was just so much... I won't say energy- I just did, but anyway- the way that they were treated. We saw hope- is what we did. We saw hope not only for our son, but for the other boys.
Tiffany: So you came to Oxbow, and you saw that they were supervised. And just so our listeners know, Oxbow is not a lockdown facility.
Frank: Right.
Tiffany: But yet they are much more highly supervised than at another program. Like, there are cameras in the rooms, the rooms are open, there are no closed doors, there are bunk beds, and- I don't know if I wanna go into all the details- but they have alarms on the beds so if they get out at night, it lets the staff know.
Frank: That's new...
Tiffany: Yeah, so there's high supervision because of the issue that we're dealing with, and we want everyone to be safe there.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: And to feel secure. And I love that you talked about how you felt there was hope for your son.
Frank: Definitely. Not only for our son, as we found out later, but for us.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Relieving the Burden on Parents
Frank: For us. Because while he was home, we were the prisoners. It was keeping an eye out, locking doors, taking all electronics away. He couldn't go somewhere unless it was going to school, and even then- I was already retired- so I stayed in close contact with the school, and they would call me on a regular basis. So it was... we were prisoners.
Tiffany: Yeah. And that's not uncommon for Oxbow parents. For my listeners- I did therapy for a number of years, and then I took over admissions. So I heard a lot of the calls that came in. For those of our listeners who are at the point where you feel like a prisoner in your home and you feel like you're on lockdown in your own house, that's a good red flag waving, saying-
Frank: Oh, yeah.
Tiffany: -it might be time to look for some help, right? When you're feeling like a prisoner.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: We'll get to Oxbow in our next episode, but knowing that you could have him someplace where he was gonna be safe meant you guys didn't have to be the prisoners anymore.
Frank: Right.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: Right. Now, we still lived in Texas at the time, and my wife was still working. I was the one that was retired. So I would come, but she would also take vacations to come and be with our son.
Tiffany: Okay. At Oxbow.
Frank: At Oxbow.
Tiffany: Okay. I wanna backtrack just a little. You talked about not only having hope for your son, but also for your family. I think that's one thing I love- and we can talk more in our next episode as well- but usually the whole family needs to heal.
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: It's not just your son who's struggling. Usually when a kid comes to Oxbow, the whole family is affected to some degree. Maybe there aren't victims in the home, but these are traumatic events that are usually happening. I think a lot of what you're saying, Frank, is so relevant to a lot of families who end up coming to Oxbow- whether there are victims in their own home, they feel like prisoners, or they feel victimized, maybe not directly, but indirectly, and they're scared. And where do you look, right? You're saying so many things that I think our listeners need to hear, and I appreciate your vulnerability and openness about it all. You mentioned that you were in Texas and Oxbow is in Utah. Was it hard to send him away to Utah, or...? I think a lot of parents- I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's hard to send your son out of state.
Frank: No.
Tiffany: Okay.
Frank: No.
Tiffany: How come?
Frank: Because we knew where he was coming, and why he was coming here. We knew that he was safe here- we felt that. And if we hadn't felt that, then it would've been a different story.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: But no, we felt very secure that our son was in a safe place and getting the kind of treatment that he deserved. Now, a lot has to do with the inner workings with the therapist that he had.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: And that was another thing. That particular therapist had a small group, but we could call him at any time.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: And that helped.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: That helped us feel comfortable.
Tiffany: I bet, having that connection. Were there any big fears sending him away, or was it just easy...?
Frank: No, it was easy for me.
Tiffany: Maybe not easy, that's the wrong term.
Frank: Yeah. Okay.
Tiffany: But-
Frank: It was a satisfying feeling knowing that, yes, he would be away-
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: -but also knowing that we could visit any time.
Tiffany: Okay.
Frank: And that was one of the things that allowed us to feel comfort. It was that we could call and say we're coming up to visit. Boom, no issues. No "no."
Tiffany: Yeah. So having access to your son, communication-
Frank: Yep.
Tiffany: -getting to go visit the program and see how the boys were treated...
Frank: Yep.
Tiffany: All that really helped you feel at ease.
Understanding Teenage Boys in Crisis
Frank: Yep. And I got to know a lot of the other boys.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: And it was fun interacting with them, too.
Tiffany: Yeah. Well, I think a lot of parents who call me say, "My son's a good kid," and I tell them, "They're all good kids."
Frank: Yes.
Tiffany: All the boys at Oxbow. I think parents think a boy who's at Oxbow dealing with sexual behavior issues is objectified- like some "predator" or "monster." And it's like, no, they're teenage boys.
Frank: Right.
Tiffany: They're exposed to the internet and pornography, and sometimes abuse, and they're repeating that abuse. Not all of them, but some of them. These are good boys-
Frank: Oh, yeah.
Tiffany: -who have been in the perfect storm to make some terrible choices.
Frank: Yep.
Tiffany: And there's hope for them, and there's healing, and there are second chances ahead.
Frank: And like I've said before, that's a big reason why I'm here right now.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: It's to let parents know, "Hey, this storm will blow through. You will survive, and your sons will, too." Like I told our son back then, "I love you. I'll always love you, but I don't like the choices that you have made, and that's why you're going to get help." I still tell him I love him. And the love we have now- phew, it's like watching a garden grow, if anybody grows gardens anymore.
Tiffany: Yes.
Frank: It's just fulfilling.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Frank: It's happiness. It's gratifying.
Tiffany: Is there anything else you'd wanna tell a parent who's at these crossroads considering residential treatment?
Frank: Yes, and that's the whole key to it. If you call it a crossroad, that means that there are other avenues. And that avenue is hope. If you really look to it, and put both feet on the ground and move towards it, you will accomplish that. I'm saying that to the parents because they're the ones who love their sons. They're the ones wondering, "Can I send my son there?" They're the ones who are gonna reap the benefits of having a son when they come out- maybe not the perfect son.
Tiffany: Yeah. But someone who's healing, and healed to a degree.
Frank: Yes. Yes.
Tiffany: And the family gets to heal.
Frank: And we're proof.
Tiffany: You are. You are living proof, and I love the hope you bring to this podcast 16 years later. Just so my listeners know, I reached out to Frank asking if he wanted to come and talk about their story, and there was no hesitation, as if you'd kind of been waiting to have this opportunity.
Frank: Yeah.
Tiffany: And it's hard. It's hard to tell this story, but there is hope, and that's why you're here.
Frank: Yes. Yes.
Tiffany: Thank you for joining us today. In this episode, we got to talk about what life was like leading up to Oxbow. In our next episode, we're gonna be talking about what life was like once your son got there, and what the journey was like. That's where the rubber hits the road, right? Things get harder before they get better. So stay tuned to hear more of Frank's story and his son's, and where they ended up. Thank you for joining us, Frank.
You Have Questions, We Have Answers. Your Call is Confidential.
Contact us if you need help with treatment for sexual addiction, sexual abuse, pornography abuse, and other compulsive behavior issues.