Rebuilding and Reconnecting: Life After Residential Treatment
In this final episode of Unlocking Hope, Tiffany Silva Herlin, LCSW, talks with Emily about her family’s journey after her son returns home from residential treatment. They explore the challenges of reintegration, setting boundaries, and maintaining family balance, while highlighting the hope and tools that continue to guide their healing. This heartfelt conversation offers practical insight and encouragement for any parent navigating a similar path.
Healing the Family: A Post-Treatment Journey
In this final episode of Unlocking Hope, host Tiffany Silva Herlin, LCSW, sits down with Emily to reflect on her family’s journey after her son’s return home from residential treatment at Oxbow Academy. Emily shares the ups and downs of reintegrating into daily life, the ongoing work required for healing, and the tools that continue to guide their family forward. Her story highlights both the challenges and the hope that comes with this new chapter.
In this episode, you’ll hear about:
- Preparing for the transition home with a solid plan, professional support, and realistic expectations.
- Navigating boundaries around technology and independence while balancing freedom with safety.
- Parents doing their own work to let go of control and create healthier family dynamics.
- Finding strength in support groups and community to maintain progress long after treatment.
Through dedication, support, and mindful effort, Emily’s family navigates the complexities of life after treatment with courage and hope. Their story demonstrates that meaningful growth and healthier family dynamics are possible, even after significant challenges. It’s an encouraging reminder that each step forward, no matter how small, contributes to a brighter future.
Don’t miss this heartfelt conversation that offers reassurance, guidance, and hope to any parent walking a similar path. Listen now to gain insight, encouragement, and practical tools- and share this episode with someone who might need to hear that they’re not alone. Call us now for additional support at 855-676-4272.
Listen To the Podcast:
Preparing for the Transition Home
Tiffany: Welcome to the final episode of Unlocking Hope, a family's transformation through residential treatment. I'm your host, Tiffany Silva Herlin, a licensed clinical social worker.
In this final episode, we're talking with Emily about life after treatment. Returning home is a pivotal chapter—it's where progress meets real life. Emily will reflect on how her family has adjusted, the lessons that have stuck with them, and how continuing her own work as a parent has helped maintain the growth they fought so hard to achieve.
Please remember that this podcast is not a substitute for therapy. Please seek guidance from a licensed mental health professional for your individual situation.
Emily, thank you so much for joining us.
Emily: Thanks for having me.
Tiffany: I'm so excited to talk about what life has been like since your son came home. To start, what did you do to prepare for his return?
Emily: It's definitely a process. We worked closely with his therapist and staff at Oxbow to develop a home contract. It was a plan that we created with his therapist, so our son had a say in it. We also used a transition company that gave us a parent coach and our son a mentor. This way, he had someone he could talk to who wasn't us, and we had someone to bounce ideas off of as things were going.
Tiffany: That's so important. I love that you sought out external support because there's this pivotal handoff, right? He leaves the program and comes home, but suddenly those wraparound services are gone.
Emily: Right.
Tiffany: It's crucial to have that support when he returns home so he's not just left out in the open.
Emily: Right. He also has his own therapist, and he met with them twice a week when he first came home.
Finding the Right Therapist & Support Services
Tiffany: Was it difficult to find a therapist for him to come home to?
Emily: It was. We knew we needed someone with specific experience with sexual behaviors, so it was a little tricky, but we found a great one.
Tiffany: Did you find someone who was CSAT-certified?
Emily: We did not. We looked into that, but she is not CSAT-certified. She does, however, have a lot of experience.
Tiffany: And for our listeners, that stands for Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist. They are specialized and trained in that area, but it doesn't mean you can't find a good therapist with experience, even if they aren't trained in that specific area.
Emily: Right.
Tiffany: So, it's important to find someone who knows how to talk about this difficult issue and has experience discussing it.
Emily: Yes.
Tiffany: Can you tell us a little more about the transitional service?
Emily: The transitional service we used offers a variety of options. We chose to have a parent coach who would work with us and a mentor who would be available for our son. We did it in a tiered process. When he first came home, he could text or call his mentor every day. We also had open access to our parent coach. As time has gone on, we've lessened that to a once-a-week check-in to see how things are going.
Tiffany: That's great. And there's probably no hard end date; it's more as needed, right?
Electronics Boundaries
Emily: Right.
Tiffany: Right. What about electronics? How did you prepare for that?
Emily: When they're at Oxbow, they have what's called the Independence House. When the kids live there, they start to gain access to electronics again. So he had a Gabb phone before he even left Oxbow. When he came home, we went with the same technology, which means no internet access or that kind of thing. He did go back to school, so he obviously had to have a computer for that. But we held off on a smartphone for a long time.
Tiffany: And for our listeners who may not know what a Gabb phone is, it's a phone that looks like a smartphone but doesn't have access to things like social media. You can really control it, and it has a lot of parental controls. It eases kids into having electronics without giving them everything that electronics offer. When you look at the internet, it's really an adult world, and we're giving it to younger kids who don't necessarily know how to navigate it. And let's be honest, some adults don't know how to navigate it, either. It's a tricky, ever-changing place.
Emily: Correct.
Tiffany: This allows them to ease into it, having access to a phone that looks like a smartphone, so they're not getting made fun of. They can still fit in, but you can also allow them more privileges and access to various things as they go.
Emily: Yes, exactly. There are a lot of apps that you can add as a parent, but they all require parental approval before they can add anything to the phone.
Tiffany: Which is great. Even if someone isn't struggling with a behavioral issue, it's a great option for parents who are wondering, "When do I give my kid an electronic?"
Emily: Yep.
Tiffany: So, what has it been like since he's been home?
Navigating Independence and Life at Home
Emily: I mean, it's definitely bumpy. It's not sunshine and rainbows all the time, and that's okay. We've made a lot of progress and we're all still doing a lot of work. Some days are better than others, but we're communicating better, and we're just working through it one day at a time.
Tiffany: I love that. You realize that progress isn't linear, and things aren't just going to be completely fixed. It takes time, and it's a learning process even after they come home.
Emily: Definitely. With teenagers especially, it's about learning how to let them gain some independence and not try to control everything. At the same time, we're very aware that they aren't quite ready for all that independence, having been in residential treatment for so long. It's been a delicate balance of letting him go without compromising the work that he's done.
Tiffany: That makes a lot of sense. You're letting them earn freedoms and privileges one small step at a time, right?
Emily: Exactly.
Tiffany: Throughout this process, do you feel like you've really had to learn to let go of control as a parent?
Emily: One hundred percent, yes. It's been a real eye-opener. They're teenagers, they're their own people, and we don't get to decide what choices they make. Coming to that realization and learning how to be okay with it has been a process, and learning that their choices don't reflect on me as a parent.
Tiffany: I love that.
Emily: It's hard sometimes, but just learning to let go and set and hold boundaries has definitely been a learning process.
Tiffany: What has that process of setting boundaries looked like?
Learning Boundaries and Letting Go of Control
Emily: I think before he went to treatment, we were all walking on eggshells a lot, trying to make things comfortable for him. In doing that, we made it uncomfortable and stressful for the rest of us, and we weren't helping him. Holding firm boundaries and having clear consequences—good and bad—for the choices he makes has been incredibly helpful. I just need to be really clear with him on what the boundaries are and what happens if they're pushed. He's a teenager, so he's going to push them. That's what they do, but I have to hold tight to them.
Tiffany: That's so hard to do as a parent, especially if your initial mode was to enable and make things easier for them. I think we initially try to do that out of love, but ultimately it’s because we're uncomfortable. Like you said in a previous episode, you have to do your own work.
Emily: You have to be okay with being the bad guy, and you have to learn how to say no and stick to it.
Tiffany: As a therapist, my biggest work is helping parents get to a place where they feel empowered to say no again and realize that it doesn't mean they don't love their child. Even if their child sees it as a rejection, that's okay. You’re going to work through it, and they will come back eventually. It's okay that your child is uncomfortable and it's okay that they don't like your boundaries. Ultimately, you need to be empowered to hold those boundaries because you love them. You want them to be safe and you want them to learn and grow, and that requires them to be uncomfortable and not like those boundaries at times.
Emily: Right. The boundaries aren't there to hurt them; they're there to help them. It’s just trying to help them recognize that.
Tiffany: And they won't always see it in the moment. Sometimes it takes a long time and a lot of maturity for them to look back and realize, "Oh, my parents did that because they love me." But in the moment, you're the worst person in the world when you set them.
Emily: And I'm okay with being the worst person right now.
Tiffany: I have to say, as a therapist, when I'm in a session and a client is really upset with me—maybe they call me a bad name because I'm holding a strong boundary—I know I'm on the right track. When I'm the bad guy in the situation and they're upset with me, I'm like, "All right, we're getting somewhere now." And I'm okay with that. It's great to get to a place as a parent where you realize you're actually going down the right path when your child is upset with you.
Emily: Right. We're not supposed to be their friends.
Tiffany: You're not. In fact, if you are, then we've got some bigger issues and some work to do. I also love how Sean Brooks, the director from Oxbow, always talks about how they're going to send your son home healed, but he's still going to be a knucklehead teenager.
Emily: Right. You can't change that.
Tiffany: We're not sending you home a fully functioning adult.
Emily: They've still got some development to do up here, but yeah.
Tiffany: Let's talk about that. Your son is on the spectrum, and that often means their maturity level is lower. They're a little bit developmentally delayed. So, while they may be 17, they may actually be exhibiting a younger age. How do you navigate that with him?
Emily: It's hard because the world tells him he's almost an adult, but what I see is not that. It's tricky. It's a balance of trying to figure out where I can loosen the leash a little bit more and what areas still need to remain tight. We're just figuring it out through trial and error.
Tiffany: You mentioned he just got a smartphone. How has that transition from a more controlled phone to giving him a little more freedom gone?
Emily: It's hard. We still have parental controls on the smartphone, but it's not perfect. He'll be turning 18 soon, and the parental controls on an iPhone go away at 18. It's an interesting journey for sure.
Tiffany: I think you get to a point as a parent where you finally realize you've taught him. You've done all you can. You've set the boundaries and put the parental controls on things. Ultimately, there has to be an internal change and an intrinsic motivation.
Emily: Yeah, intrinsic motivation.
Tiffany: Thank you. It's that intrinsic motivation to be like, "Yes, I have this phone, and it has these controls on it, and I can ultimately get through them if I want to, but I'm going to make the choice not to do that."
Emily: Right.
Tiffany: "Or to stop myself when I start going down that road to seek out pornography or whatever it is."
Emily: Yeah. They have to own their choices and the consequences that come with them. As parents, there's only so much we can do.
Tiffany: How have you found peace with that? What work have you done to be okay with that?
Emily: I'm still in therapy every other week, and I have a personal coach I talk to every other week. So I'm still doing my work, and he's still doing his work. You just have to let go at some point. As hard, uncomfortable, and scary as it is, they are their own people, and you have to let them figure that out.
Tiffany: Absolutely, especially as they get older. At some point, you have to give them a chance to really grow and learn from what you've taught them. I love how invested you are in doing your own work and being at peace with what you need to do moving forward. You're willing to let him choose and let the natural consequences come.
Emily: Yeah, I have to. You'll make yourself crazy if you don't. Through the work I've done, I've learned that I have to let him be. I don't have to like it, but I have to accept it and let those natural consequences do their thing.
Celebrating Wins and Facing Challenges
Tiffany: Since your son has been home, how has life changed? What's better and what are some of the still-present challenges?
Emily: He was gone for two and a half years, so it's been a learning curve for all of us to figure out how to have that puzzle piece fit back in, as we talked about in previous episodes. We're still figuring out what that looks like.
Tiffany: What are some of the wins you're seeing since he's been home?
Emily: He's been in school willingly and finished out the school year, which was great. He has about three more credits left to graduate from high school, so that's on the horizon.
Tiffany: That's awesome.
Emily: He's also about to start a part-time job, so he'll have some personal spending money. He's thinking about college and talking about what that might look like. It's great to see him looking toward the future.
Tiffany: Did you envision him graduating from high school, or was that not even on the table?
Emily: No, that was always on the table. He's academically a very smart kid.
Tiffany: Okay.
Emily: But having not done traditional school for two and a half years, to come back and successfully complete the year was great. I will say it was very important to us that we found a supportive school environment. He did not go to a large public school; it's a very small private school that understood where we were coming from and gave him a chance.
Tiffany: One of the biggest challenges families face is what to tell friends and family about where their child has been for so long. What has that journey been like for you?
Emily: I think that's true. We and he have said, "I was receiving residential treatment for some problematic behaviors." People don't need to know all the ins and outs. That's the story, and they can take it or leave it.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Emily: When we were looking at schools before he came home, there were a number of places that didn't call us back or didn't follow up. While that was somewhat hurtful, it was also a case of, "If they don't want him, we don't want to be there." So it was really important for us to find a place that was okay with where he had been.
Tiffany: Yeah, that makes sense. It's about walking that fine line of knowing who you can be completely transparent with—who is a safe place, and that's a select few.
Emily: Very few.
Tiffany: Versus everybody else, it's okay to just say, "Yes, he's been at a place to help him with his mental health and behavioral issues, and that's all you really need to know."
Emily: Yeah, that's all you need to know.
Tiffany: It's very personal, and he's getting a chance to start over again.
Emily: Yeah.
Family Dynamics & Creating Safety
Tiffany: Since your son has been home, what boundaries and tools have helped and stayed with your family?
Emily: There are a lot of different boundaries. I think the tools that have stayed with us relate to communication, like how we speak to each other and how we reflectively listen. We get curious about what we're all going through instead of being reactive, which is how we were doing it before, or walking on eggshells. We're not there anymore. We're being real, which is really hard. I think we're also holding each other accountable to being honest and sharing our feelings. We've made it a safe space where you can say, "I'm angry," "I'm sad," or "I'm frustrated," and that's okay.
Tiffany: I think that's huge—to be able to create an environment where you can be vulnerable and express big emotions, good or bad, and be able to reflect and validate each other. You're curious, like you said, rather than being reactive. Tell us how his siblings prepared for him coming home and what they're doing now in regards to these changes.
Emily: As I said before, it's definitely been a learning process to try to figure out how we fit those puzzle pieces back together. The whole family has been involved in therapy in some form or fashion throughout the entire time. We ramped it up right before he came home just to make sure we were prepared. The siblings are also old enough to understand, so we've been very open and honest with them about what things are going to look like and what the boundaries will be. We've tried to make it a place where they're also comfortable being vulnerable and can share if they are frustrated or upset.
Tiffany: I love that you guys have worked so hard as a whole family system to create safety for everyone—for the siblings, for your son, and for you—because when we first started talking about this, it wasn't safe.
Emily: Right. It was like a war zone.
Tiffany: So you changed the whole system to create that safety. Now you can talk about feelings, express yourselves properly, and make sure that the siblings don't get left behind and they still feel safe.
Emily: Right. They still feel safe and they feel like they aren't losing their freedoms, which is hard for teenagers. But I think before he went to treatment, we were not a family that shared feelings. Everybody was expected to smile and be happy, and that's not it anymore. It's so much better to have a place that's messy but real and good.
Tiffany: Well, that's just real life.
Emily: Yeah.
Tiffany: It's not all rainbows and butterflies and now he's happy. But that's where true happiness comes from—when we have the highs and the lows, we can see the contrast between them, and that's where the growth comes from. It doesn't come from comfort, like we've talked about.
Emily: Yeah.
The Power of Support Groups
Tiffany: Have you continued with the support groups you found at Oxbow now that your son is home?
Emily: Yes. There’s an alumni parent support group that meets once a month, and I've been pretty involved with that. I also still keep in touch with a lot of the parents, especially the moms, that I met throughout the journey. We check in with each other every once in a while just to see how we’re doing. It’s important to have your people who get it. That alumni support group is great because sometimes it’s focused on a certain skill or tool, and sometimes it’s just a place for us to be together and share and support each other. I've found it super helpful to feel not alone in trying to figure all of this out.
Tiffany: I love that, especially because having your son come home is scary. There are going to be ups and downs. It's so valuable to have a support group where you can say, "Hey," and talk about these difficult, taboo things. You can say, "My son relapsed on pornography," and another parent can be like, "Oh yeah, mine did too. This is how we handled it, and here's how we moved forward." You can have those really tough conversations that you just don't have with a friend.
Emily: Right.
Tiffany: Because they don't understand.
Emily: They don't get it.
Tiffany: What do you wish you had known before starting this journey?
Emily: I wish I had known that all of these resources and options were out there. It's not something that's talked about a lot, and if it is in the media, it's not in a good way. We've just really learned to lean into the process. We have had the most wonderful experience at all the different places we've been for residential treatment. I feel like it's just not well known that these fabulous and super helpful options are available for families.
Tiffany: The media often grasps onto sensational news stories that will quickly catch their audience's attention. And those aren't your stories.
Emily: They are not my stories, and the media doesn't want to hear my story because it doesn't make news.
Tiffany: It doesn't. Unfortunately, for all the negative stories in the news that put a poor light on the industry, there are hundreds of success stories like your own that parents need to hear. There is help and healing that a lot of students or teenagers like your son wouldn't have had the opportunity to have.
Emily: Right.
Tiffany: A lot of the boys at Oxbow get a second chance at life. The road they were going down could have often led to jail, more pain, and so many more detrimental places. Now, a lot of these young men can go home and look at colleges, have successful relationships, and start fresh.
Emily: Yeah.
Final Reflections on Hope and Healing
Tiffany: But not enough people get to hear about that. A lot of our listeners are coming to this podcast because they have a child, or they're working with a child, or someone they love is struggling with sexual issues. It's so difficult, and it brings a lot of shame and feelings of trauma. What would you say to them?
Emily: I would say that those feelings are normal and that they are not alone. There are places out there that can help the whole family. There are more of us out there than you think—it's just not talked about. It's okay to ask for help.
Tiffany: I love that. I love that you were able to come on here and share your story. Even though you are still in the transition of your son being home and still learning the ups and downs, you are coming out of this empowered. You have a sense of peace and acceptance and the ability to hold boundaries not only with your son but probably your other teenagers as well. Your worth is not reflective of how well your children are doing.
Emily: Right? One hundred percent.
Tiffany: You are not alone. Thank you so much for coming and sharing your story.
Emily: Thank you for having me. I'm honored to be here.
Tiffany: Thank you, listeners, for joining us on this powerful series. Emily's story reminds us that healing from complex challenges, especially those involving sexual behavioral issues, requires courage, honesty, and a willingness to grow on all sides.
Residential treatment isn't just about sending your child away to get fixed. It's about creating a space for the whole family to reset, repair, and rebuild. That only happens when parents step in, show up, and do their own work too—through therapy, support groups, and self-reflection.
To every parent listening, you are not alone. Help is out there, and you are just as worthy of support as your child. If this podcast resonates with you, consider sharing it with someone who might need it. Remember, reaching out for help isn't a sign of weakness—it's the first step toward healing. You can find more information about Oxbow Academy at oxbowacademy.net. Thank you for joining us.
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Contact us if you need help with treatment for sexual addiction, sexual abuse, pornography abuse, and other compulsive behavior issues.