Embracing Discomfort: The Work of Healing During Treatment
Continuing her conversation with Emily, host Tiffany Silva Herlin explores the realities of residential treatment at Oxbow Academy. Emily shares her family's journey, highlighting the critical role of parent involvement and the transformative power of embracing discomfort for both parents and children.
Finding Hope: A Family's Story of Transformation
In this episode of Unlocking Hope, host Tiffany Silva Herlin, a licensed clinical social worker, continues her conversation with Emily. Emily shares her family's journey through residential treatment at Oxbow Academy, discussing the difficult but transformative process of her son's stay and the powerful role of parent involvement in their family's healing. This episode covers:
- The Uncomfortable Truth: The process of a "sexual history" evaluation and using a polygraph to validate a student's truth and rebuild family trust.
- The Power of Parent Involvement: The importance of parents doing their own therapeutic work, seeking support from other families, and being an active part of the healing process.
- Embracing Discomfort: Why growth for both the parent and child happens outside of a comfort zone, and the valuable lessons learned from this challenging journey.
The journey to finding the right help for your child can feel impossible, especially when dealing with complex and sensitive issues. Don't navigate this difficult journey alone. Listen now to discover how one family found hope and healing through a committed approach to residential treatment. Call us now for additional support at 855-676-4272.
Listen To the Podcast:
Introduction to the Healing Journey
Tiffany: Welcome back to Unlocking Hope, a podcast about a family's transformation through residential treatment. I’m your host, Tiffany Silva Herlin, a licensed clinical social worker.
In our last episode, we spoke with Emily about the moment she realized her son needed more help and the difficult decision to send him to residential treatment at Oxbow Academy. Today, we continue her story and explore what life was really like inside the program. Emily opens up about her son's early struggles, her fears as a mom, and the immense growth that came not only for him but for her as well. We'll also dive into the powerful role that parent involvement played in their family's healing journey.
Please remember that this podcast is not a substitute for professional therapy. If you or a loved one are struggling, please seek guidance from a licensed mental health professional.
Let's dive in. Emily, what was it like once you got to Oxbow Academy? Tell us about that first week.
Emily: It was... I mean, we had done residential treatment before at a therapeutic boarding school, so it wasn't a completely foreign experience. But it was definitely hard to figure out, "Okay, now what? What are we doing, and how is this going to work?" I think the evaluation process was interesting and difficult for both our son and for us.
Facing the Evaluation Process
Tiffany: Can you talk about what that evaluation looked like? For our listeners who may not know anything about Oxbow.
Emily: The evaluation period at Oxbow is when all the dirt comes out, for lack of a better term. It's when the child really digs into what's been going on, what the problematic behaviors are, what led to them, and where they came from. It's a painful process for everyone.
Tiffany: Yeah, it's definitely hard when parents first arrive and have to go through that. You mentioned in our last episode that your son had a psychosexual evaluation done at wilderness treatment the first time, and it came back as "low risk." You and I have talked about how that often happens because not everything is out in the open yet.
Emily: Right. The evaluation period is a lot of digging. They have a clarification process where they really map out all of the problematic behaviors and just lay it all out there so Oxbow knows what needs to be worked on.
Tiffany: As a former therapist there, I can also help our listeners understand that process. I often tell families that an evaluation is only as good as the information given. No teenage boy wants to talk about sexual problems, so most of the time, they won't tell the evaluator everything. To educate our listeners, a typical evaluation might involve a psychologist spending a few hours over one or two days with a client. They get whatever the son or daughter is willing to share. They also interview parents and past therapists to collect as much information as possible, but it's a limited scope.
At Oxbow Academy, it’s really different because they spend about three months gathering information. It's not just a short, one-day window with a few interviews. They really take the time to collect the information, as you said, and go through a sexual history. They start by educating the students on the laws- what's consensual and what's not- and then ask them to go through their history, mapping out what was truly going on.
Emily: Yeah, and that's not fun to hear as a parent.
Tiffany: Yeah. What… go ahead.
Emily: No, it’s just hard, you know? It's a subject nobody talks about, and as a parent, having to sit through that process is tough.
Tiffany: Every parent handles it differently. I've had some who want to be there for the whole process, and then I've had some, particularly moms, who might feel triggered and say, "You know what? I'll come in at the end, after you've worked with them, and then I'll listen to it all, but I can't hear it every week as we're going through it." It takes time because sometimes they'll drop a little bit of information to see how you react. We're usually coaching you guys...
Emily: ...to not freak out.
Tiffany: Yeah, don't freak out yet- you can freak out later, just not in front of him.
Emily: Exactly.
Tiffany: We'll give you a heads-up, like, "Hey, this is coming your way." But we want them to learn accountability and truthfulness because that's not what they've been living in.
Emily: Right.
Tiffany: There's been so much secrecy and shame.
Emily: Yes.
Clarification and the Polygraph
Tiffany: It's such a hard process to go through this sexual history. What's the next step to validate their history?
Emily: So once they've done that part, there's the polygraph, which I think is unique to Oxbow. I don't think many programs do that. And when you hear "polygraph," you think about...
Tiffany: Yeah.
Emily: ...I'm aging myself, but you think about Murder, She Wrote, right?
Tiffany: Yeah!
Emily: They're trying to catch somebody in a lie, but the polygraph at Oxbow is different.
Tiffany: How is it different?
Emily: It's helpful. You're not trying to catch the students in a lie; you're trying to validate their truth. You're using it as a tool to make sure that the process of therapy and healing is targeted at the right things.
Tiffany: And that's the one thing I love about Oxbow. You're right, it's not a dark basement with a swinging light and someone yelling at your child. It's actually a whole preparation. We spend about a month, sometimes more, prepping them for it and helping them feel like, "Okay, I've gotten everything out, and now I'm going to confirm and validate my truth," as you said. A lot of times, the kids are finally ready to tell the truth, but their parents say, "Yeah, but we still don't believe you. You've been lying for so long, so why should we believe you now?" The students say, "No, I'm being honest now! I'm turning over a new leaf!"
So, it's a great tool because we want parents to believe them and for them to rebuild trust. But that takes time because they've broken a lot of trust and burned a lot of bridges. This is a great tool to show, "Yes, I'm ready to start telling the truth," and that truth is hard to hear.
Emily: Yeah.
Tiffany: Without going into details, did you find out there was more than just pornography?
Emily: Not much. There was a little bit, but we knew most of what was going on. By the time he got to Oxbow, we had been in this residential treatment process for 18 months. I think we were aware, which was helpful. I think we were lucky. I've gotten to know a number of parents who were blindsided by some things. We didn't have that experience, which I'm thankful for, but I know we would've been guided through it if we had.
Tiffany: Yeah, absolutely. As a therapist, I've seen some parents, like yourself, who pretty much know what's going on and just need to validate it. Sometimes little things come out, but then there are some parents who, unfortunately, have big things come out.
Emily: Yep.
Tiffany: Also, for our listeners, if you have more questions about the polygraph process, we did a mini-series on our previous episodes and actually interviewed Jared Rockwood, our polygrapher. He's also a phenomenal therapist. He dives into what that process is like, but it's great to hear your side of the story. So, you didn't feel like they were trying to catch him in a lie?
Emily: No.
Tiffany: You're so lucky that nothing huge came out and that you had your finger on the pulse of what was really going on.
Emily: Yeah.
Tiffany: So, after he did his sexual history and the polygraph, you chose a psychologist to do the evaluation, right?
Emily: To do a neuropsychological plus a psychosexual evaluation. Yes, we did.
Tiffany: I love that Oxbow outsources the testing. They provide parents with a list of psychologists, and you ultimately choose who you feel would work best with your son. He not only got a psychosexual evaluation but also a neuropsychological evaluation, which is an even more expansive test. This gives you more information and ultimately provides a recommendation: what is his level of risk, and does he need sex-specific treatment? So, what came back for you guys?
Emily: That he did need to stay at Oxbow and go through the full program.
Tiffany: The results probably also gave you or the therapists specifics on what he needed to work on.
Emily: Right. Yes.
Tiffany: Every student is so different in what they'll need, especially a neurotypical student versus a neurodivergent student. So then he went to the specific population to work with those boys.
Emily: Yes, he went to the East House, which is the house for neurodivergent boys.
Tiffany: How did you feel about this whole evaluation process? Once everything was on the table and you got this information back, how did you feel?
Emily: It was hard to have all that information, but it was also like, "Okay, it's all out there now, and now we can really start to dig in and do the work."
Tiffany: Did you feel empowered, like you finally had some clarity, or was it more of a validation of where you thought he was at?
Emily: For us, it was more of a validation. It was knowing that we finally had the full picture and that he was in the right place- that Oxbow was where he needed to be.
Building Trust and Safety
Tiffany: At that point, how did you feel he was fitting in with his peers? Did you feel like he was safe? Did you feel like he fit in with his peers, who were also neurodivergent, and the staff?
Emily: Yeah, we always felt he was safe there. We never questioned his safety at all, and he would say the same thing. I think that he felt safe as well.
Tiffany: What made you feel that he was safe?
Emily: Meeting the staff on our visit was helpful. We had the chance to talk to some of the boys in the program and see the space, which helped us know he would be safe. The communication was also great. We talked to his therapist at least once a week and had a family session once a week. The evaluation house staff also communicated with us a lot to let us know how things were going. And then there’s the parent portal, which is super helpful because you can see what’s going on daily- if there are behavioral issues or if things are running smoothly.
Tiffany: Yeah. Even how they're doing in school, their grades, and what they're working on.
Emily: Yep. You can see all of that anytime you want. That's helpful.
Tiffany: And you can see pictures of your student.
Emily: Yep.
Tiffany: What a great resource for parents to have. As a parent myself, the more information and communication I have, the less anxious I am.
Emily: Right.
Tiffany: I'd just say that for any of our parents, with any program you're working with, the more involved you are and the more transparency and communication you can get, the more you’re going to know if your child is safe, if they're getting what they need, and if there's anything concerning going on. That's really what's going to help you.
Emily: Yes.
Tiffany: I want to share some facts with our listeners about parent and child satisfaction. Each program we work with collects this data and research to hold themselves accountable and get feedback. Some of these numbers were interesting, especially for our listeners. 93% of adolescents reported being satisfied with the quality of treatment they received at the program, and 93% also reported much improvement as a result of completing treatment. I think it's important to note that completion is huge. We often see students who don't complete the program not do as well. Regarding the parents, 90% of them reported being satisfied with the quality of treatment, and 93% reported being satisfied with the treatment they received 12 months after it was completed.
Emily, tell us what the process was like in your involvement once you started diving into therapy past the evaluation.
Parents in the Process
Emily: Oxbow offers great support for parents, which is huge. There's a weekly parent support group online that's super helpful. They also offer Family Days, usually twice a year, where you can come to campus. It’s a three-day event with workshops, activities for parents to do with their boys, and education. It also gives you time to be with your child and other families who are in the same boat.
Tiffany: What was it like talking to other parents at Oxbow Academy and sharing your story and hearing theirs?
Emily: Honestly, it was really empowering. It was the first time I felt I could be open and honest and that I wasn't alone because I was there with other families going through the same thing. While it was scary to share my story and open up, it was also a "me too" moment. It was the first time I felt like there were other people who got it.
Tiffany: Yeah, it's so refreshing, and as you said, healing and validating. Especially when you feel so alone and have so much shame on this journey. It’s that realization of, "Oh, I'm not the only parent."
Emily: I'm not the only one. Yeah.
Tiffany: Research shows that healing really comes from that group therapy work. It’s one thing to have a therapist who can give you tools, but it's another to hear someone else go through something similar and realize, "I am not the only one." Having someone witness your journey and be through it as well is just so powerful.
Emily: It is. And I think those parents form such a bond. I'm still in contact with a number of the parents I met while at Oxbow. There’s an alumni parent support group now that meets once a month, so it doesn't stop when you leave, which is great.
Tiffany: That's awesome. What about your involvement in family therapy? What did that look like for you guys?
Emily: That was helpful as well- doing that once a week to get caught up on where our son was in his work and what we had worked on. There are parent assignments throughout the process, too. Our son would be working on something, we would be working on something, and then we would come together as a family and share what we had done.
Tiffany: So that family system piece was so important because, as we talked about in our previous episode, the whole puzzle has to change.
Emily: Yeah.
Tiffany: Especially if that one piece is changing.
Emily: Yeah, I don't have experience with parents not doing the work, because we did, but I would imagine that if the family- or at least the parents- aren't doing the work as well, then it's not as successful. It’s not just the child; it's the whole system.
Tiffany: And I have had experience with parents not fully doing their work, and I can tell you their child isn't going to be as successful as those who have a family willing to dive in and say, "What can we change? What are we doing to enable this?"
Emily: Yep.
Tiffany: Realizing, "Hey, I'm actually totally enabling my child, which isn't helping him."
Emily: Right.
Tiffany: And we have to set him up to break this cycle.
Emily: Yes.
Tiffany: Which is such hard work.
Emily: It is, but it's 100% worth it. I am a totally different parent and a totally different person than I was when we started this journey, and I am so thankful for it. I'm not thankful for the things that brought us here, but I am so thankful for the work that I was able to do because I think it has made me a better parent and a better human.
Tiffany: Yeah, I don't think you're the only parent to say that. I was just talking to another mom who said the same thing- it's helped me in all aspects of my life.
Emily: Yeah, not just parenting, for sure.
Tiffany: And you mentioned you did some work outside of Oxbow for yourself personally. What did that look like?
Emily: I did a "Finding You Therapy Programs Intensive," which is a five-day intensive with a lot of therapy and group work. That was life-changing for me. It really opened my eyes, not necessarily to my role in what was happening, but to how my story was playing out in my child's story and how to do things differently.
Tiffany: How to navigate it. I think that's so important. You touched on something I'm so glad we can bring up because when you're dealing with sexual issues, we all have our own narrative around this topic. We all have our own history. I've even dealt with some parents who have had abuse themselves or struggled with certain things. So, hearing their son share their story can be very triggering. It can cause some PTSD and bring up big emotions. It's so important for a parent to do their own work outside of Oxbow, whatever that looks like. To say, "Okay, where does my history and my belief around this topic affect my son? How can I heal? How can I work on being triggered so that he can do his work, and I can regulate myself, and we can heal as a family?"
Emily: Yes. Yeah. It was huge. I did the intensive, my own therapy throughout the whole process, and the parent support that was offered through Oxbow.
Tiffany: So, from what I'm hearing you say, it's important to dive in, do your work, and be a part of therapy, and not just expect the program to fix your son.
Emily: A hundred percent. You can't. I don't think it works that way.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Emily: Because, like we said before, the whole system has to change, and so it's important for everybody to be doing their work.
Tiffany: What was the therapy process like with your son?
Getting Uncomfortable to Grow
Emily: It was great. He had really good therapists throughout the process at Oxbow. We went through a couple of different ones, which was sometimes hard as a parent, but I think it ended up working out for the best for him in the end.
Tiffany: Yeah, and sometimes that change is really helpful, especially for a kid on the spectrum, to help them work through change. Was he ever uncomfortable?
Emily: He was always uncomfortable, but I think it has to be uncomfortable. You have to get uncomfortable in order to get to the other side.
Tiffany: Why is that, genuinely?
Emily: I think you have to dig in and be accountable for your behaviors to figure out how to move past them. I think Oxbow does a really good job. I remember an assignment about "thinking errors." You're really analyzing, "Where is the error in my thinking when I'm being impulsive?" It’s not comfortable to figure out and dig into what you were doing wrong.
Tiffany: Oh yeah.
Emily: But it helps. We still talk about that now that he's home. "What thinking errors happened here?" It's helpful. I think they have to get uncomfortable before they can get better.
Tiffany: I agree with you. Change doesn't happen in comfort. It happens when you're uncomfortable, challenged, and struggling. It's an important factor in the healing process.
Emily: Yeah. They can do the work and check the boxes. I'll never forget hearing a boy at Oxbow, when we were fairly new to the process, who was about to graduate. He said that Sean, the director, had asked him, "Do you want to get out, or do you want to get better?" It’s about wanting to get better. You can check the boxes and just get out, but you have to get uncomfortable to get better.
Tiffany: Absolutely. And as a parent, how do you not want to dive in and rescue your child when you watch them struggle and be uncomfortable during this process?
Emily: I think that's part of doing your own work- to realize that's not helpful. Because that's what I had done for years- dive in and rescue- and that was not helping.
Tiffany: I love that you could get to a point and have the openness and humility- which, gosh, as a parent myself, takes so much work and courage- to say, "Oh, what I'm doing isn't helping. I need to take a step back and change and let my child grow, struggle at times, and be uncomfortable."
Emily: Yeah. You can't control them. I think that's the biggest thing I learned through my work: I think we go into motherhood thinking we're going to guide their path and control all the things. When they're little, you can. You can decide what toys they play with and what they do. But when they're teenagers, you cannot. That control is gone, and you have to trust.
Tiffany: My two-and-a-half-year-old is already teaching me that she is in charge and I am not.
Emily: Exactly.
Tiffany: She wants a lot of control. Yes, as a parent, it's easier to manage when they're little, but as they get older, you do have to trust that they're going to apply what they've learned and start making some of their own choices. And sometimes they're going to make the wrong ones and have to learn from that.
Emily: Yeah, exactly.
Tiffany: And they're going to struggle, and those are going to be some of the most valuable learning moments for them. Can you share a moment when you realized you were really growing, too?
Emily: Yeah, I think it was when I learned to become curious. Meredith, who's the clinical director at Oxbow, always talks about becoming curious and how you can be curious about what your child is doing. It took me a long time to get curious, but when I was able to start asking questions instead of getting angry, that was a big breakthrough for me.
Tiffany: That's definitely hard as a parent, and I think all parents could benefit from being curious versus reactive. Asking questions like, "Why did you do that? Tell us more about what you were thinking," instead of saying, "Why did you do that?" It allows for growth and takes the judgment out of it. It also allows for teaching.
Emily: Yes.
Tiffany: What was your relationship like with your son during the program?
Emily: There were definitely bumps in the road, for sure. I think it's like a "two steps forward, one step back" process. You would see some growth, and then you would see a setback, and then you would see some more growth. So it was tedious, but I do feel like the separation was helpful for both of us. He was able to really focus on himself, and I was able to kind of let him do it.
Tiffany: I love that you talked about the "two steps forward, one step back," because growth and relationships aren't linear. They ebb and flow. That's not how life works. It's bumpy.
Emily: Oh, it's real bumpy. But you learn to embrace the bumps.
Tiffany: What surprised you most about the treatment process?
Emily: I think the most surprising thing for me was watching the growth- from an immature child who wasn't willing to take accountability or responsibility for his actions, to growing into a young adult who was starting to recognize how his behavior would affect him and the family.
Tiffany: That's a big step for your son, especially being on the spectrum, to be able to make that connection.
Emily: There's a lesson or a project within the Oxbow curriculum about empathy, and that was a huge turning point. Empathy does not come easily for kids on the spectrum, and he really had to learn how to do that. So that was a big turning point for us.
Tiffany: I love that. Thank you for sharing. Was there any aspect of the program that he absolutely loved? Oxbow has music, they have horses...
Music as a Healing Medium
Emily: Yeah, music.
Tiffany: Was it music?
Emily: Yes, music is his thing. He loved the music program. He was super involved and did every "battle of the bands" while he was there. The music was huge for him, but he also got involved with the horses, too.
Tiffany: How did music play a healing part in his therapeutic journey?
Emily: For him, music has always been healing. It's a way for him to escape but also to channel what he's feeling. It’s a good coping skill for him- to just disconnect and listen to or play music. So, that was a big piece for him.
I also think being a part of the band during "battle of the bands" was good for him, just to be part of a group. Being on the spectrum, his social skills were definitely lacking. Being part of a group didn’t happen a lot, so that was really helpful for him to have that experience. And a lot of the kids who were there when he was there were writing their own music, which I think was powerful for him to watch. To see how they were putting their emotions and experiences into music was really cool.
Tiffany: Music is an amazing therapeutic tool and can be so healing, especially for kids on the spectrum. When they're lacking those other social communication skills, it's a way, like you said, to channel how he's feeling and really be able to express himself in a way that makes sense. I love their music program. They've put a lot of effort, love, and time into it, and it really does help the boys.
Emily: It does. Yeah.
Advice for Other Parents Seeking Treatment
Tiffany: To wrap up this episode, what advice would you give listeners who need to go down this treatment road, especially for sex-specific treatment?
Emily: I think the more you can take advantage of the things that are offered for parents, the more powerful the experience is going to be for the entire family. Treatment isn’t just for the child; it’s for the entire family. The more you can lean into those parent offerings and be in a community with other parents who are going through the same thing, the more powerful the experience becomes.
Tiffany: I love that. You're not only asking your son to be accountable, vulnerable, and committed to growth and leaning into the discomfort, but you also have to show that by doing it yourself.
Emily: Yeah, for sure.
Tiffany: And you do that through the work and through the support groups. There are a lot of options at Oxbow Academy for parents who are facing this and realizing, as you said, they're not alone.
Emily: Yeah. It is hard work, but it's also very meaningful and very powerful. Forming that community with other parents who are dealing with the same thing is comforting. Yes, it's hard, but I can't imagine doing this without the other parents.
Tiffany: I love that. Thank you so much for joining us today.
Emily: Thank you for having me.
Tiffany: We appreciate you sharing your story of what it was like while in treatment. In our next episode, we'll review what it's like now that your son is home and what the journey has been like. So, tune in. We're excited to talk about it!
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