Why is Pornography so Addictive? Recognizing Early Childhood and Teen Porn Addiction
The topic of pornography addiction among children and teenagers. The discussion covers the evolution of pornography, the prevalence of explicit content, and the potential impact of porn on children and teenagers. It emphasizes the importance of open conversations with children about sensitive topics like pornography and the need for early education. The episode also addresses the impact of early childhood exposure to pornography on brain development.
Discovering that your child is using pornography can be a challenging and distressing experience for any parent, raising concerns about their child's mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. Join Tiffany Herlin, LCSW, and Meredith Barney, the Clinical Director of Oxbow Academy as they discuss:
- The impact and effects of pornography addiction among teenagers.
- The widespread accessibility of explicit online pornography.
- The need for open conversations between parents and children to prevent secrecy and shame.
- The role of early intervention and treatment in restoring healthy family dynamics.
Concerned about your teen's escalating sexual behaviors? Don't wait. Get the support you need now. Oxbow Academy can help. We offer personalized support for families facing these challenges. Call 855-676-4272 to learn how we can guide your family toward healing.
Introduction to Pornography Addiction in Teenagers
Tiffany: Welcome to our third season of the Oxbow podcast. We are going to be talking about a very important topic that I think is prevalent to many people, which is pornography addiction with teenagers.
Pornography is very accessible. It's just a click away and has become prevalent among teenagers. The accessibility of online pornography makes it a dangerous trap for young minds leading to a devastating effect on mental health and relationships. Early interventions and proper treatment are critical to address teen porn addiction and restore family dynamics, which is what we're going to be talking about today.
Let's delve into the therapeutic approaches that can help teens break free from this destructive cycle. I'm Tiffany Herlin, a licensed clinical social worker, and today I'm excited to be interviewing Oxbow Academy's clinical director, Meredith Barney, who is an LMFT, SUDC.
Meredith, I would like you to introduce yourself to our audience; who you are briefly and your role at Oxbow.
Meredith: So I'm Meredith. I am a marriage and family therapist with an additional licensure specialty in addiction. I have been working in the mental health field for around 10 years in various treatment settings; residential, private practice, and intensive outpatient levels of care. I've been around quite a bit. So, I'm excited to be here.
Tiffany: You've got a lot of expertise under your belts.
Meredith: Yes, I have a lot of experience.
Tiffany: I'm excited to pick your brain today.
I did want to say as a disclaimer, please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy. Please always seek a mental health professional for your particular situation.
Okay, let's dive in. So thank you for joining us today and talking about this difficult, but really important topic.
Meredith: Yeah, I'm super excited to be here.
The Evolution of Pornography
Tiffany: What even is pornography, and why is it detrimental to children?
Now, I want to start off, because when we say porn, I think it should be relabeled, honestly. I think porn is a terrible title of what we call it, because it started actually in the 1950s and over the years it's changed dramatically, as we all know, because of the internet and access to electronics. It's no longer just Playboy magazines, or a storyline revolving around two people in a fantasy leading up to a sexual relationship. It's now graphic, explicit, straight to intercourse, and constantly pushing the boundaries. Honestly, if you can think it, you can find it.
Meredith: Absolutely. There's a lot of stuff out there.
Tiffany: Yeah. A couple of things that I brought to the table as I was researching this: the first edition of Playboy magazine actually was published in 1953. It sold over 54, 000 copies. Today it's consumed through online videos, online pictures, and images on an app. I don't want to dive too deep into this and scare everybody away, but deepfake porn is now an issue, thanks to AI. You don't need to be an expert on all this but you do need to know that it exists and that kids may be targeted by this technology. They may view it, or they may even participate in creating it, unfortunately. But through all this, it's important to keep an open conversation rather than making it a lecture.
Meredith: Yes, that’s very important when working with your kids.
Talking to Kids About Pornography
Tiffany: Yeah, like you don't want to shut them down. You want to be able to have a two way conversation with them, right?
Meredith: Absolutely.
Tiffany: Yes and help your kids. There's ways that you can actually take a test online. But help your kids recognize signs that the imagery has been manipulated. Talk about and even read about non-explicit AI generated fake content altogether because this is now what we're dealing with in the world. And then obviously have filters on your electronics and talk about the consequences of this being out there and participating in it.
And I guess ultimately, with not only deep fakes, but just pornography in general, don't shy away about talking about it.
Meredith: Yeah, I think the more that we don't talk about it, the more we give our kids the message that it's not okay to talk about with us.
Tiffany: And why is that bad?
Meredith: Because then we create secrets and shame and behaviors.
Tiffany: Which you and I are going to dive into more.
Meredith: Absolutely.
Tiffany: Stay tuned. Those are going to be in some of our other episodes that are coming up. Yeah, I think it's important. I actually have a book that's specialized for younger kids called “Good Pictures Bad Pictures,” which talks about what is pornography. I read it to my own kids around the ages of 6 to 9 years old, and we've read it as a family about what pornography is, what to do, what to look for.
And we've had a very open conversation because just like the conversation about sex, it's going to come up whether you talk about it or they hear about it at school or they see it on their phones or they see it on an iPad. And that's going to be the same about pornography. It's not that you talking about it is going to make them more curious and they're going to go look for it. They're going to find it anyway.
Meredith: They're going to hear about it anyways.
Impact of Pornography on Children
Tiffany: I'd rather personally it come from me than from somewhere else, some other source.
Meredith: Yeah. And I especially think letting them know what it is and the impacts that it can have on them personally starting from a young age is really, really important.
I have two younger girls and that's definitely something that I've talked about multiple times with them because, as a woman, you're supposed to be a certain way and present a certain way for men and that's really reinforced through pornography. And so educating them on why we're not doing that and why we're not being sexual and just explaining it so they understand when they see it, cause they will see it at some point that, “Hey, this is not a healthy way to present as a female.”
Tiffany: We're going to dive into that. I found so much interesting research of how it actually does affect our young teenagers and even younger than teenagers that are being exposed.
And you know, it's interesting. To be a little vulnerable here, I wish in my own personal life that my parents had talked to me about it. Cause I remember stumbling upon it on the internet or when you're in a hotel room TV and being like, "What the heck?" And then feeling all this shame and not having anyone to talk to about it.
And I wasn't looking for it. It was there. I remember like googling something innocent and it popping up and being like, “Oh my heaven. What is this? That's not what I searched for.” And so the more we can have a safe, open conversation with our kids, the easier it is going to be for them to come to you and say, “Hey mom, guess what I found today?”
Meredith: Yeah. I think normalizing it within the family system is important because it is normalized in their school, in adolescence. There's a normalization of pornography and sexuality. And so, to create a normalization within our family systems, I think is really important as well.
Tiffany: Just to share a few things, multiple studies show that pornography online is more prevalent, explicit, and violent than traditional pornography used to be.
A lot of times, it's being mainly viewed on computers and phones. There was a specific study that the current equivalence to the amounts of pornography found in Playboy magazines are websites specifically dedicated to providing pornographic content like Pornhub. In 2019, Pornhub shared its annual statistics: 42 billion visitors in a year, 115 million a day, 5 millions in an hour, and almost 80,000 a minute. To put this into context, there are more users that look at Pornhub per minute today than there were copies of Playboy's first edition sold in 1953, which is astounding.
Meredith: Some big numbers. Big numbers.
Tiffany: Research has found that using pornography correlates with decreased sex life satisfaction and an increased desire for rough or violent sex and increased chance of divorce. Now this being said, it doesn't mean that if you view pornography, this is exactly going to happen, but it just correlates with it.
Signs of Problematic Pornography Use
Tiffany: So let's talk. There's multiple levels of pornography use. Having a pornography habit and a pornography addiction is not the same thing.
Meredith: No, they're very different things because one is, when we're looking at any kind of addiction, we're looking at the consequences of it, right?
If there's a level of normalcy around. Maybe I look at porn once a week. But when it starts impacting our intimate, our relationships with our family, our friends, if it starts impacting life it becomes a problem. Am I breaking the law? Am I veering into child sexual abuse material? Am I getting tolerance? Is just a regular man/woman encounter not doing it for me anymore? That shows tolerance in our pornography use.
Tiffany: Yeah, there was one research I found that said a red flag is when your desire for a sexual relationship with a significant other is decreased, that you'd rather look at porn versus engaging in a sexual relationship with someone you love.
Meredith: Absolutely right. It's interesting when we look at pornography and the impact on the brain and how the dopamine dump's gonna be so much quicker than if I have to be vulnerable and intimate with a partner. It's gonna be a very, very different experience.
Tiffany: It was so much easier, and this is what I explain to parents who come to Oxbow or I've had to work with privately, that it's easier to click a button, have someone on the other side, engage in a sexual act that arouses you, you masturbate to, you orgasm to, right, hits that dopamine factor in your brain and they like you, they don't reject you, you don't have to read through weird social cues, there's no awkwardness. It's just immediate satisfaction versus you're a 14 year old boy who maybe doesn't pick up on social cues, who has to go ask a cute other 14 year old girl out or create a relationship and have a conversation or read through social cues. She might reject you. And then somehow leave that up to maybe, doing something romantic with her, like holding her hand or anything like that. It’s so much easier to go online in your own room privately and click a button.
Meredith: Well, and with virtual reality as well, you can really just personalize that to whatever feels best for you, which again, takes the vulnerability out of everything.
Tiffany: Yes, and it takes the emotion, the empathy, the humanness out of it.
Meredith: The connection.
Tiffany: Yes. Which is the beautiful thing about our sexuality as human beings.
Normalization of Sexual Curiosity
Meredith: We look at pornography when we're younger because we're curious. We hear things and we want to understand. Or we hear a friend say this term and don't know what it is so I'm going to Google it. Or I saw a picture of a boob and I liked it so I'm going to continue to look at boobs because it makes me feel a certain way in our body.
It's such a normal part of becoming an adult, going through the sexual phases and as kids, they get curious. They don't know what's happening in their body, especially if they don't have any education around sexuality or any of that kind of stuff. A boy may get an erection and not understand what's happening to his body and want to understand it. He may look it up or ask his friends about it, which is of course going to elicit more conversation.
So there's a normalness around the curiosity part and looking at stuff. It's just that there's times where it becomes problematic.
Tiffany: So you're telling me that it's normal to have sexual feelings.
Meredith: Absolutely.
Tiffany: Okay, good. Let's clarify that to our listeners. I think that's important. We are human beings and it's part of growing up. It's part of our development. It's healthy and it can be a beautiful, beautiful thing, you know, a beautiful part of being human being.
Meredith: Yes and I think that that's part of where the problem or some of the struggles come with parents is you have to learn to accept that your child is becoming a sexual being. As young as 10 or 11 years old, kids can start developing and having sexual urges and desires.
And so that can be really hard for a parent to look at their 11 year old and realize their kid is having sexual feelings or curiosity around their body or other people's bodies.
Tiffany: Let's just shove it in a deep dark corner and never talk about it, right?
Meredith: Let's pretend like it doesn't exist.
Tiffany: Yeah. Doesn't exist. Then it doesn't happen and it goes away, right? Isn't that how it works?
Meredith: No, not even close.
Tiffany: Okay, okay. Yeah, we established that they are sexual beings. They're going to develop as such, as part of being human. It's healthy. It's a natural development, and the less we shy away from it and cause shame around it in secrecy, the more we can talk about them at appropriate level, according to their age, the easier these conversations are going to be around these scary themes out there.
Equipping Children with Tools to Address Pornography
Tiffany: And you can help your kids be equipped with the right tools when they are addressed with these issues. And they come across porn, they come across deepfake porn or things that kids are doing at school or hearing things and if they feel safe talking to you, you're going to be the one that's guiding them through this. Not the internet, not their friends.
Meredith: Absolutely.
Tiffany: Just a couple of things I found. Though the effects of pornography have been controversial, science has correlated problematic pornography usage with addictive brain patterns, making it dangerous for those who use it, which is especially true for people who are naturally impulsive or less functioning at coping.
You and I were talking about how being a sexual being is normal. I was just reading about problematic pornography uses. When does it become a problem?
Meredith: It becomes a problem when it's; I'm going to porn instead of talking to my parents. If I'm going to porn or sexual fantasy instead of connecting with my friends. If I'm bored and I go to porn and I'm masturbating. If I'm using it as a way to not be present in my life and my relationships, then that's where it goes from a curiosity into veering in a direction that's potentially addictive.
Tiffany: Yeah, I agree. And can we say that it also, when it starts crossing the line, that emotional intimacy is distorted when it's easier to go to porn versus having a close, intimate, vulnerable relationship?
Because, I think interestingly enough, a lot of kids turn to porn out of curiosity, like you said. They want to know what the kids are talking about. If they get into a sexual relationship, what should they do? They don't feel safe talking to their parents about those details. But porn doesn't portray reality. It's based on fantasy. It's not even really based on how a relationship's built. It's graphic. It's explicit.
Meredith: Yes, the days of the 1980s porn with the pizza delivery guy coming in and the whole scene builds up.
Tiffany: Even that wasn't that bad. I mean, compared to what we have now.
Meredith: Yeah, that doesn't exist anymore.
Tiffany: It doesn't. It goes straight to intercourse and it really distorts our youth who are just barely developing.
Meredith: Right. You're talking about emotional connection within a partnership. These guys don't even know what that is when we're kids. When we're developing as adolescents, that's not even something that their brain is developed enough to understand yet.
So if we're going in and watching porn, we're already warping that while the brain is developing, which causes big problems later.
Impact of Pornography on Developing Brains
Tiffany: Well, let's dive in. What does early childhood pornography exposure do to kids?
Meredith: It really impacts the brain and the way the brain functions because their little brains aren't developed all the way. And so we're going in and hijacking that, the process between the old brain and the new brain, which is the prefrontal cortex. And a kid is being driven so much by emotions that we're saying, “Hey, here's emotions and here's how you make those emotions go away.” And so it's going to be so intertwined with getting relief from uncomfortability when we start very young.
Tiffany: Which leads to addiction.
Meredith: Absolutely.
Tiffany: That's just the start that leads them down that road. Exposure to porn includes between 75 percent of 7 to 11 year old boys and 67 percent of 7 to 11 year old girls. Now that's the average. That means, as a bell curve shows, we have even younger kids being exposed to porn.
And the detrimental effect that has on them, and I’ve talked to parents about this, is if you have a seven year old who hasn't even hit puberty and all of a sudden they're exposed to porn that is violent, it's explicit. So it's dealing with not just regular intercourse. It might have anal intercourse, oral sex, violence, bondage. And then all of a sudden they hit puberty at 13 and all that turns on. They're not excited about that cute 13 year old girl sitting across in class with them and how maybe she might brush against their shoulder. They're envisioning something more explicit with them.
Meredith: Absolutely.
Tiffany: Their brain hasn't developed enough yet. They're creating neural pathways in their brain that they shouldn't even have access to at that age.
Meredith: Absolutely.
Tiffany: So you see how it just hijacks their whole development.
Meredith: Yes. And it's so hard to unwind that. It is a process to teach what is healthy and what isn't healthy. How do we get that excitement from that person brushing up on my shoulder, right?
Tiffany: Or when I'm gonna hold her hand for the first time, or a kiss. That's what normal 13 year old boys and girls should be thinking about. Porn hijacks all of that and advances them 20 years to where they shouldn't be sexually, right?
Meredith: Absolutely.
Tiffany: It's just not a natural progression in their brains.
Meredith: Yeah. And it's hard for them to make sense of it. If I'm a 10 year old and I see a woman strapped up and tied up and a man slapping her, my 10 year old brain does not know how to process that. But I actually might feel a little bit of arousal by it, which is so complex for them to understand and it becomes potentially a point where we are, “Now I'm really curious about this and I'm diving more in right because it makes me feel weird. I'm confused and I have another weird feeling and so I want to understand it.”
Tiffany: Yeah. Because biologically you're naturally going to be aroused by things you're seeing, whether it's deviant or not, whether it's appropriate or healthy or consensual or not. Your body's natural reaction is to become aroused by it.
And so, you're right. A 10 year old boy, his brain's not going to understand that you add on top of that someone who is maybe on the spectrum and struggles and now they concretely are very black and white in their thinking and think that's what sex is. And I can't ask another 10 year old girl cause no way will they do that with me. So maybe I might ask this neighbor who's younger than me or my sister. That's where things start getting really scary and hard.
Meredith: Or someone says something to me and I agree with it because I'm curious.
Tiffany: Yes. And it's not because I really understood what was going to happen. It's because of what I've been exposed to.
So as we talked about, the average age is between 7 and 11, which means there are kids who are younger being exposed to it. The largest group of internet porn consumers is children ages 12 through 17.
Meredith: Yikes.
Tiffany: I know.
Meredith: That's so young.
Tiffany: 93 percent of boys and 62 percent of girls are exposed to internet pornography during their teenage years and less than a quarter of those intentionally search for porn.
So our kids aren't intentionally necessarily looking for this. We are not an "opt in" type of set up. There are some cultures and countries that you have to opt in to porn, but we're an opt out, which means it's just going to be targeting you and targeting even younger kids and it's easy for them to find it without even looking for it.
Two other facts on this: in a study, more than half of the boys, 53 percent, thought internet pornography is a realistic depiction of sex.
Meredith: Yeah. I believe that.
Tiffany: Like we were just talking about. So our kids are viewing this thinking this is what sex really is. And as you and I talked about, it's not reality.
And then lastly, I think this one's really important, children are seeing violent depictions of sex, torture, rape, and incest porn. Boys are having their sexual arousal conditioned, like we were talking about, by depictions of extreme cruelty, seeing women being assaulted in every, well, orifice by groups of men, that's pretty explicit. And all this before their first sexual experience, even their first kiss.
Meredith: And I think something else to bring up, which is not a statistic, but I don't know if anyone's ever tried to not watch shows that have sexuality in them. It's almost impossible. And so kids are getting fed sexuality in multiple forms in every form of entertainment or media that is out there. It's not just pornography. It's TV shows and it's movies and it's songs.
Tiffany: Well, sex sells.
Meredith: Yeah.
Tiffany: It's in everything.
Meredith: It really is in everything. So it's realizing it's not just porn that starts the curiosity. It’s “Hey, I saw this in a movie and I wonder about this,” or “can I get a screenshot of this specific pose or this specific body,” and that just leads down the road that can lead us to pornography as well.
Tiffany: I love that you say that. It's not just porn. There's so many different avenues that lead to pornography. And because of the way we're wired and that we are sexual beings and we are curious, it's a natural progression.
So, we talked about how the largest group of internet porn is consumed by children, and then I found this other interesting research statistic, which is 20 percent of all internet pornography involves children. That's pretty astounding.
Concerns and Risks
Tiffany: So, this leads me to my question. Why is early childhood pornography exposure a concern?
Meredith: Well, if I'm a teenager and I'm exposed to other teenagers acting out sexually on the internet, then of course I'm going to get curious and I'm going to be more likely to act out with other people my age because that's what I'm seeing.
And if I'm 17 and I can't act out with a 17 year old, maybe I can act out with a 15 year old. Maybe I have a sister who's 12 and starting to develop. The mind will go into those spaces. So it's just a natural progression. This is what I'm seeing. This is what I want to do because it's arousing me. Who do I have to do this with?
Tiffany: Yeah, who's easily accessible, who's vulnerable. And let’s clarify to our listeners that it does not mean that they are going to grow up being pedophiles. I know that's a scary word, and I don't use that lightly, but I think parents get really scared that if they're engaging with younger children, it means that when they're 40, that's going to be the same thing. And I just want to reassure our listeners that that's not the case. Yes, this road can lead to younger children engaging in problematic sexual behavior aimed at younger children, yet if you catch it early enough, there is hope. And it doesn't necessarily mean that they're going to go down that scary dark path.
Meredith: Right. And it has to do with our arousal template, right? So if I'm reinforcing a younger kid in my arousal template, then that's getting more and more neural pathways in the brain. It's getting wider and wider. And so if we can catch that earlier, then the regrowth in the brain is going to be much shorter than if I've been fantasizing or acting out on young kids for 20 years.
Tiffany: It's different when you're dealing with a 40 year old brain that's been established versus a 12 year old brain and let's normalize it a bit. It's normal for a 12 year old who maybe is emotionally and developmentally a little bit younger to seek out some younger kids.
Pornography, like we just read, they have access to it. It's out there. It's normal for someone that's nine to find explicit pornography of a nine year old. So before parents hit the panic button and freak out, take a deep breath, take a step back and know that that's maybe developmentally where they're at and you can catch it and redirect them to something that's more healthy.
Meredith: Absolutely. And that's where we have to be careful so that our fears as parents don't come in and create unhealthy dynamics with our kid. If I'm freaking out about them watching a nine year old in pornography, then the message I'm telling my kids is that you cannot talk to me about this ever again because I'm emotionally dysregulated. So, there's a big connection there.
Tiffany: Yeah. Don't hit that panic button. Be open for your kid if they are viewing that to have a discussion, have a topic, and then know that there are experts out there, therapists who specialize in this, who can help guide you through this really difficult topic.
Contributions to Problematic Sexual Behavior
Tiffany: So how does early childhood exposure to porn contribute to problematic sexual behavior problems?
Meredith: It creates neural pathways in the brain. Kids and teenagers are so driven by their emotions and they lack the ability to regulate those. That's what the teenage years are for. They’re learning, “hey, this makes me feel calm” or “this makes me feel excited” or “this makes me feel connected.” They don't have that understanding. And so, when I get something that makes me feel good all the time or gives me a feeling of connection with somebody who can't reject me, it creates just a quick response. I'm going to go to that. That's easy. It's in my hand constantly all of the time.
Tiffany: That dopamine hit.
Meredith: Yes.
Tiffany: Which can lead to that compulsive or addictive type behavior.
Meredith: Yes, and it's just because there's just such a lack of skills developmentally in that age frame, that of course, we're going to go to these things that make us feel anything other than uncomfortability.
Tiffany: I like to go back to maybe because my kids are really into this right now, but Inside Out and just thinking about how it plays out in Riley, who's turning 12 soon, puberty, her brain, she's trying to go through all these difficult complexes of moving and meeting new friends and feeling alone and scared.
And you throw on top of that pornography and all these emotions, depression, anxiety, and it's going to, like you said, create neural pathways that are going to make it easy to be like, “This is my outlet. This is my safe space.”
Meredith: Because it's in that survival part of the brain. And so it's like, “Hey, you feel weird. Let's make you feel better. We know how to fix that.” If I'm a neurodiverse kid and it's uncomfortable for me to be around other people, of course I'm going to be under a level of distress. And so I'm going to want to not feel that anymore. Or if I'm adopted or I have attachment injuries. I am uncomfortable in this space. The brain is like, “let's not feel that anymore.” And the brain is so smart and it will get you to look at pornography and act out sexually to just not have to feel whatever I'm feeling in those moments. And as teenagers, they don't have a lot of other skills. So there's a lot of, “I'm uncomfortable. I know how to take care of that.”
Tiffany: Yeah. Going back to Inside Out, because I just might have watched it this morning when I was getting ready with my kids. Her brain went, “I'm uncomfortable being moved away so I'm going to run away.” She didn't think through things like, “What am I going to do when I get back? I don't have my parents and how am I going to survive?” It was just, “I'm uncomfortable. I need to get out and I'm going to illogically run away.”
And so it's the same thing that we're dealing with those kids. And yet, we're giving them a highly addictive substance, kind of like on the level of cocaine for their brain.
Tiffany: I just want to end with this question on the research that I found. Australia comes out with some really cool research on pornography. In a 2012 review on research for the impact of internet pornography on adolescents, they found that adolescence consumption of internet pornography was linked to changes, including acceptance of male dominance and female submission as the primary sexual paradigm, with women viewed as sexual, playful things eager to fulfill men's sexual desire. The author found that adolescents who are intentionally exposed to violent sexually explicit material were six times more likely to be sexually aggressive than those who are not exposed.
Meredith: Kind of like what they're just describing in the study that, yeah, there is this dominance of women needing to submit or even in sexuality among LGBTQ+ people, there's certain roles in there for people or they learn, like, this is how a man behaves sexually. It's having to unlearn that and then relearn what is healthy. And it's scary for parents to hear some of this stuff from their boys. And the impact on them can be hard. We work through it in therapy. But it shapes how they view the world, not just sexually, but how they view women in general.
Parental Guidance
Tiffany: So let's help our parents. They're listening to this. They already know this is out there. This is scary for them. What can parents do?
Meredith: Yeah. One of the most important things I think parents can do is look at their own beliefs and experiences around sex. Because if I understand what I'm feeling, I can understand how I'm reacting to my kid. And if I know this situation is really triggering because my kid is watching a rape video and I was maybe raped when I was younger, if I understand that maybe it's triggering my trauma, then I might not have a trauma response at my kid because I'm going to regulate before I go in and have a conversation. If I'm very rigid around sexuality, understanding that these are my thoughts and these are my beliefs, and my kid is in a place of exploration, am I going to come in hot and heavy?
Tiffany: Or even shameful.
Meredith: Yes, put the hammer down and tell my kid, "You can't do that" or "You can't do that because of my own beliefs." Here comes the secrecy, here comes the shame, here comes “I'm never talking to you about this because you were so upset about it.”
So understanding our own triggers, our own connections about sex, our own experience with pornography, our own sexuality is so important before going in and trying to have conversations with our kids.
It's really good modeling for them too, to say, “This is really triggering for me. I'm gonna go take a break and I'm gonna go regulate myself, but I wanna come back and have a conversation with you about this.”
Tiffany: You mean we want our parents to set examples for their kids?
Meredith: I do. I would love that so much.
Tiffany: It's so hard as an adult to be able to take a step back cause it's easy to look at the problem as porn and my child when really you do need to take a step back and evaluate where am I at with all this? How am I responding? How can I create an open dialogue? Have I educated them about this? Do they feel safe coming and talking to me or am I reacting out of my own trauma and triggers?
Meredith: Yeah. And I think that you're bringing up having an open conversation, actually having a conversation with our kid about, what does a safe conversation look like? Not what my perception as a parent of what I think a safe and open conversation is, but actually asking my kid, “What makes a conversation feel safe and open for you?” because those are going to be two very different things.
Tiffany: So asking our kids what they need to feel safe.
Meredith: Yes, I know it's a wild thought.
Tiffany: No, it's true. I say that facetiously at the same time as a parent myself, it's easy to have that knee jerk reaction and want to control because you're anxious and scared rather than being curious and asking what your kids need.
Meredith: Absolutely. I think another thing to look at is the family system and the different generations of stuff, because sometimes addictions and things like that are passed down.
So if my grandpa looked at porn and then my dad looked at porn, then I'm probably going to be way more likely to look at porn than somebody whose family didn't, because maybe that's part of the dialogue. Maybe it's part of the culture. Maybe they're joking around because they have a skewed view of women and they talk about it and they joke about it.
And so understanding our own family system, not just our immediate family, but our family of origin and where they came from so we can understand where these beliefs can come from. A lot of times, and we see this a lot with the kids at Oxbow, they have parents that sexualize women all the time, or cat call, or really reinforce what people see in pornography. And so getting a better understanding of our bigger family system is important.
Tiffany: I 100% agree. Again, doing your own work and taking a step back and evaluating what role you play in this and how. And not that you've caused this, but that if you think about a family system, every piece is a moving part and they all affect one another to some degree or not.
I think all those things are just spot on and maybe not what our listeners want to hear right away because they want actionable items. There are actionable items and yes, it is hard to look at yourself, but it's important.
Meredith: Yes. And I think that that's probably one of the things I talk about the most at Oxbow is what work are you doing? What is this doing, triggering for you as parents? Because if parents don't do that, then a lot of times we want our kids to emotionally regulate us. And if I have a 10 year old who's changing their behavior because I'm upset, that's a kid emotionally regulating me as a parent. And so, what do I need to do so that my kid doesn't need to regulate me? And we see that a lot. I've seen that a lot in practice.
Tiffany: Which we're going to dive into even more. So stay tuned, parents listening in our upcoming episodes.
Emotional Regulation and Coping Mechanisms
Tiffany: If you're a parent that needs some actionable items, there are some things that we obviously can give you regarding what parents can do. Have an open dialogue. And that comes from creating safety for your kid and then asking them what they need. We talked about education. Make sure that this isn't the first time they're hearing about sex.
Meredith: Well, and you get educated as a parent as well on what is out there. what is some of the slang and trying to understand some of these things because kids have slang terms for all kinds of things. And so being educated yourself. It’s listening and looking for the right things.
Tiffany: And of course there's healthy coping mechanisms that a therapist can help with. And there's support groups. Am I diving ahead?
Meredith: A little bit. So when we're talking about healthy coping mechanisms, as a parent, you can model these for your kids.
Tiffany: You can? Tell me.
Meredith: Yeah. So personally, I'm a hiker. I love hiking. And so if I'm struggling or dealing with something, a lot of times I'll take my dog and go hiking. And my kids very much know this about me. If I have some things that I need to work through in my head, I'm going to go hiking.
And so I've had my kids be like, “Oh, can we go hiking? This happened at school.” And so they'll be like, “yeah, well, let's go.”
And so, we get to model that stuff. Or I'm going to breathe. Let me go breathe before I respond to this. Again, we're modeling healthy coping mechanisms for our kids. “Hey, let's breathe together.” So it's not just healthy coping mechanisms for the kids. It's also for parents and we are the best teachers of that.
Tiffany: I love it. And that's really what I meant is that we need to use these healthy coping mechanisms because this is scary. This is hard stuff and you're not alone. There are support groups as well.
Therapy and Understanding the Root Cause
Tiffany: And you can find other parents who are dealing with similar issues. Those are a little bit harder to find, but they are out there and you’ve got to look in your community and reach out to therapists around you to see what might be available. Or if you don't have one, start one.
Meredith: Yeah. Or be flexible. If my kid is having problematic sexual behaviors but I can't find one, what about going to a different kind of addiction support group for family members?
Tiffany: Lastly, let's help our parents understand; why are teens seeking out pornography and what are they getting from it? What's driving this?
Meredith: Connection. Most of the time it's connection. It's a relief of emotions.
Tiffany: Yes. And I would add that stress can really trigger this. And loneliness. It goes back to connection.
Meredith: Wanting to feel a part of something. Wanting to be included, especially if I am neurodiverse or adopted. I just want to feel a part of something, even though a lot of times I don't feel like a part of anything because I am just in a different space.
Or if I have trauma. Trauma is huge. When we're looking at dealing with trauma, we're trying to understand our trauma. Some turn to pornography to understand what happened to them.
Tiffany: So not only are you getting a dopamine fix when you look at pornography, but when you orgasm to pornography, you're getting a release of oxytocin, which is the connection hormone. It's known as the cuddle hormone. And so it makes you feel this synthetic connection to something that's not real and it makes you feel not alone.
Meredith: Yeah. I think another thing is social pressure. Especially for the teenagers, "Hey, send me a picture of this. Hey, she did this. Are you going to do this? Hey, he did this, right? He sent me this picture. Are you going to do that?" I think social pressure is a big thing for adolescence.
Tiffany: Yeah. And if you're a parent and none of these are quite hitting on why your kid might be seeking this out, this is where therapy is so helpful, to work with a professional who can help you and your teen figure out what's driving this. What are they using? Because it's not always just about sex. It's not always about porn. It's usually about something much deeper and therapy is going to help you get to what is the real need here.
Meredith: Right. I like to think of it as what is the function of the behavior.
Tiffany: Thank you. That's beautiful. Yes.
Meredith: And it does serve a function.
Tiffany: Okay. Well, thank you so much for coming and talking about pornography and pornography addiction and what that looks like, especially with teenagers and those who've been exposed at an early age.
In our next episode, we're going to be talking about the cycle of shame and isolation in teens and dive a little more deep into what that looks like and how parents can navigate that.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Meredith: Yeah, pleasure to be here.
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