Effects of Porn Addiction on Teens: Breaking the Cycle of Shame and Isolation in Teens
The link between mental health issues and seeking out pornography in teens. They address the cycle of shame and isolation, the impact of secrecy and rejection on teens' mental health, and the development of arousal templates. The conversation also covers the distinction between shame and guilt, the role of professional help in navigating shame and isolation, and the importance of parents creating a safe open dialogue with their kids. Additionally, they provide guidance for parents to monitor their kids' screen time and educate themselves about apps and tools to navigate the challenges of parenting in the digital age.
When a teenager views pornography, it can create a cycle of shame and isolation, exacerbating mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Teens may turn to pornography due to feelings of loneliness or trauma, and this behavior can further isolate them, making them feel unworthy and disconnected from family and friends.
Join Tiffany Herlin, LCSW, and Meredith Barney, the Clinical Director of Oxbow Academy as they discuss:
- Understanding the impact of pornography on teenage mental health.
- Recognizing the signs that your teen may struggle with pornographic.
- Learning how to help teens overcome shame and isolation through building relationships and having honest, open communication.
Concerned about your teen's escalating sexual behaviors? Don't wait. Get the support you need now. Oxbow Academy can help. We offer personalized support for families facing these challenges. Call 855-676-4272 to learn how we can guide your family toward healing.
Introduction
Tiffany: Welcome back to our second episode. For those of you just tuning in, my name's Tiffany Herlin, a licensed clinical social worker, and I'm interviewing Oxbow Academy's director, Meredith Barney, who's an LMFT, an SUDC, and also a CSAT I. You've almost gotten your full CSAT, which is awesome.
Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy. Please always seek a mental health professional for your specific situation.
Understanding the Impact of Pornography on Mental Health
Tiffany: In our last episode, we ended on why are teens seeking out pornography? What are they getting from it, and helping our parents and listeners understand why? What is driving this? And I think an interesting thing I want to revisit before we dive into our topic, which is going to be on the cycle of shame and isolation in teens that this contributes to is, we often will see that mental health can, like depression, anxiety, isolation, or loneliness, even trauma, can lead people to seek out pornography. Not necessarily, but it can. And then we also see that it can, as they seek out pornography, also affect their mental health, right?
Meredith: Absolutely. Yeah, we look at this cycle that happens with them. I'm feeling depressed or alone or isolated, so I connect with pornography and the screen. And then that inhibits my ability to really go and connect with other people. And so I'm feeling like I can't connect with other people, so I go back to what I can connect with and so it can create this cycle of mental health and problematic sexual behaviors.
Tiffany: Yeah, it just kind of piles on and contributes to one another. And because it's a synthetic form, or a counterfeit, I like to say, of real connection and real human connection that we need and that we're wired for, it's going to just continue to build upon the shame and the isolation.
Meredith: Absolutely. Yeah. Because I don't want people to know what I'm looking at.
Isolation and Unworthiness Caused by Pornography
Tiffany: Yeah. So let's dive more into how problematic pornography usage affects teens. We've talked briefly about it, but what else does it do?
Meredith: The isolation piece. Pornography is such an isolating medium.
Tiffany: And it often leads to a feeling of unworthiness, that they are beyond the reach of their family and loved ones really understanding what's going on, which makes them more isolated, when what they really need to do is turn to their family, right?
Meredith: Yeah. And it can create that feeling that "I'm different from them,” which again, is that being apart.
Tiffany: Yeah, which isolates them from those who might really actually be able to help and offer support.
Meredith: Absolutely.
Tiffany: And help them realize they're not different. Which, when you think that, “I'm alone, I'm not worthy, I'm far from help,” that's only going to increase your depression, your anxiety, your mental health issues, and your poor self esteem.
Can you give us some examples of what that looks like with teens you've worked with?
Meredith: Yeah, I have had a client who comes from a pretty religious background who actually identifies as gay. And because they knew it was against their religion and against what their parents wanted for them, it created this, "I'm very different. I can't share who I truly am. I'm curious. I'm an adolescent male, so I'm going to look at pornography because I want to see what this is like, what I'm attracted to." And it kept this cycle of, “I can't share because I'm afraid of the rejection of my parents.” So there's the isolation, right? I can't be honest because I'm afraid.
Tiffany: And the shame of what my parents would really think if they knew. Which only created a bigger wedge probably between them and their parents, right?
Meredith: Absolutely. And luckily in working with this kid, we were actually able to disclose that with the parents and they're actually very understanding and loving and accepting. And so it was this kid's fear that kept him in that space. We tell ourselves these stories. “I can't share that.” The narratives that go, "I'm bad. There's something wrong with me. I can't be this way." And those thoughts then keep, "okay, but I can do this over here." And so to help them step out of that isolation is a pretty ideal situation to happen. But that is a good example that I have of a time where porn was used in isolation and created more isolation with the family.
The Role of Shame in Pornography Usage
Tiffany: I think it's Brene Brown who says that shame is bred in secrecy. So the more we can stay in our heads and not vocalize it and keep it a secret, the bigger and scarier the shame monster gets, right?
Meredith: Yes.
Tiffany: And so by helping support this teen talk to his parents and creating a safe environment for them to be accepting, you broke that shame that was so scary and big in his mind.
Meredith: Yeah. And I was able to see a lot of success after that, because there wasn't this big secret looming around. But there are other examples of that that don't have to do with our sexuality in that direction. Like if we're looking at an adopted kid where, “I'm just petrified of losing the family that I was adopted into because I've been at five other foster homes. I can't let them know I'm having these thoughts because they might ship me away or give me back to the system.”
Tiffany: They may not feel worthy of true love and “if they only knew who I really was” type of thoughts.
Meredith: Yes. Which again, are just those core beliefs that are created when we're young. “I'm bad. I'm not good enough. I'm unworthy.” Those create the shame, which creates the isolation, and keeps us different from and separate out way from our family.
Tiffany: Yeah. Thank you for sharing those examples. I think it's good for parents to hear and that there is hope to work through a lot of that secrecy, that shame, that isolation, that hopelessness that this can cause for our teenagers.
I think some other things that are important to note, which we hit on in our other episode, is that not only does it create this cycle for mental health issues, but it also creates distorted views of sex and relationships in general. We touched on this, but I do want to talk a little more in depth about what an arousal template is.
Arousal Template and Its Effects
Meredith: An arousal template is what arouses us as human beings. And so, in the CSAT (certified sexual addiction therapy), they talk about arousal templates like a garden, and so the more that we water certain areas of our arousal template, the more that they grow. And so if I'm looking at bondage porn as a teenager, then I'm watering that plant over and over again, and then that's just going to continue to grow and it's going to be probably the biggest plant in my arousal template garden.
I also like to look at it through the neural pathways. The more that we look at the same thing, the bigger and wider that neuropathway gets and so it's harder to get that neuropath way to get grown over and it won't ever go away, but it can reduce down.
And so that's what the arousal template is. It's just what arouses us. What are we attracted to? What do we pleasure ourselves to?
Tiffany: Yeah. It can lead eventually to a masturbation addiction. And that's where it's important that as our kids who are young and exposed to pornography, they don't have an arousal template developed. And that's important for our parents to know, right? Why is that?
Meredith: Because their brain isn't developed there yet.
Tiffany: Yeah, so if you catch your child viewing, say, child pornography or violent pornography, that's scary. Know that they're young. It hasn't been fully developed. A lot of times, they don't know what arouses them. So they kind of try anything and they're just exploring and being curious and that you can intervene at a young age to redirect that arousal template.
It's where they start getting into their thirties and their forties where It gets harder to redirect that and create new neural pathways and change that behavior.
Meredith: Absolutely. Yes.
Tiffany: How can you help parents understand that what their teen is maybe viewing isn't necessarily what they're going to be aroused to when they're 40?
Meredith: I mean, my big advice is always breathe and pause, breathe and pause, check in with yourself. Why is this so activating for me? And then educating and having communication. I don't think there's enough talk out there in the world about arousal templates. I don't think there's enough education about it. And so listening here, I think is helpful so you can understand. But really the big thing is just breathing.
The Shame Cycle and Its Impact on Teens
Tiffany: So let's talk to our parents. What is the difference between shame versus guilt?
Meredith: Oh, shame versus guilt. Classic question. Shame is “I'm bad. I'm bad, just in general.” Guilt is understanding that the behavior I did was bad, but I'm separate out, away from my behavior, which is a really, really important distinction when we're trying to heal and make sense of shame-based beliefs.
Tiffany: So talk to us then more about what a shame cycle may look like for a teen who's stuck in it.
Meredith: Shame cycle would be something that triggers, something makes me feel like I'm bad or I'm not worthy or whatever that shame belief is. I then want to make that feeling go away. So maybe I look at some pictures or have a ritual around while I go in my room and I get the lotion and I do this and I'm already starting to see the dopamine release within the rituals to help start reducing that uncomfortable feeling.
So then here comes the actual act. I'm actually going to watch pornography, act out sexually, whatever.
And then here comes the shame. I shouldn't be doing this. I'm bad. I'm a bad kid. I'm disappointing my parents. Here's the shame.
The next one is I'm not going to tell anybody what happened. I'm going to hide it. I'm going to keep it to myself. I'm not going to communicate anything that happened.
And then just rinse and repeat over and over again.
Tiffany: Yeah, often there's this, "I'm gonna be better. I'm gonna do better." And so there's kind of a renewal process. I've heard from some young men that I worked with that even the ritual of having to get past internet blocks and things that prevent them from viewing pornography can also be a dopamine hit and part of that ritual as well.
Meredith: Well, that's something we would look at. That would be tolerance. I need even more. I need an even scarier, more heightened experience of, "I might get caught if I do this." And we can see that within the tolerance of pornography.
Tiffany: And I think it's important to note to parents that sometimes the cycle that they go through and then the hit and the cravings that they have, that sometimes even the pornography they're viewing isn't enough and they need to take it up a notch and a new level which, man, that could be a whole nother episode we could talk about.
Helping Teens Overcome Shame and Isolation
Meredith: And I think something to talk about too, is parents actually can be a part of the shame cycle.
Tiffany: How so?
Meredith: They can say a certain thing to their kid or they can ignore certain things with their kids. I know if I say this to my mom, she's not going to talk to me. Or if I make my mom mad in this way or my dad in this way, I know he's going to leave me alone. So then I can go and do that. Or I can actually maybe be feeling really bad about myself and do something so that I elicit a response from my parents that reinforces the shame that I'm feeling. So then I really have to go and manage and take care of myself within the shame cycle.
Tiffany: Or even do something that solidifies my core belief that I'm not lovable, that I'm not worthy and my parents reinforce that without even knowing it.
Meredith: Absolutely. Yeah. Parents are involved in this, whether they like it or not.
Tiffany: Yeah. We were actually talking earlier about the fact that you come from a family therapy background and I come from more of an individual, licensed clinical social worker background and it's good to have these two perspectives because it's not just individual and it's not just a family. It's looking at both of those. So I love your perspective on that.
Meredith: Thank you. Yeah. It's the whole picture that's really important to take a look at to understand and make sense of everything.
Tiffany: Yeah. I think parents want to hear that it's this one thing and they can fix this one easy thing and it's not. It's dynamic and complicated.
Meredith: It's very complex.
Tiffany: Yeah. So how can parents help their teens overcome feelings of shame and isolation related to porn addiction?
Meredith: The best thing that we can do about shame is speak it. So if we can help get our kid to acknowledge things like, "I'm bad," or whatever their negative core belief is that's being activated, speaking shame takes the power away from it. I think helping our kids understand their cycles around shame and understanding their role that they play in it. We might want to do that with some professional help.
Tiffany: Yes and that is where support from a mental health therapist can be really helpful. If it feels overwhelming, if you're not sure of how you're contributing or you have your own triggers, get someone to step in and help be that third party to navigate this because it's a tricky conversation.
Meredith: It is a tricky conversation, especially if you have an 11 year old you're trying to have a conversation with about this where their brain isn't even developed to have these intensive conversations all the way.
Tiffany: It doesn't mean you can't have it on your own, but it does help that it's good to know that you don't have to do it alone. And I think helping teens understand that they are not their behaviors, like they're separate from their act. And that also takes that shame out of it, right? It's not "you are bad." It's, "What you're doing isn't necessarily healthy and it's not good. It's negative. But there's other things you can do and you can change and it's not based on who you are as a person."
Meredith: Right. Which brings me to my next point is actually trying to find community out there and other kids and support groups so they understand they're not alone. They're not the only people who struggle with this and that there are people that, "Oh, I felt this way.” And then another kid their age can say, "Oh, I felt that way too." Again, that connection and taking away the power of shame by actually speaking it with others and relating with them about it.
Tiffany: Which is one thing that's so beautiful having worked at Oxbow, and that's where you currently are, is that teens who come to Oxbow realize like, "Oh, I'm not alone in these maybe deep dark secrets I have." And there's other kids who struggle with similar things, that homogeneous group setting or where they can realize they're not isolated.
Meredith: So another thing that we can do with kids around helping them overcome their feelings of shame is understanding our own self as parents and when we are in our own shame. And that's one of the things that is really important. If I know that that's where I'm at, I'm modeling that for my kid. I'm understanding myself better.
Tiffany: Why would parents maybe feel ashamed that their own child's looking at pornography?
Meredith: The thing I hear the most is it makes parents feel like they failed as a parent, right? "I'm a bad parent," and so that's actually a lot of work I do with parents and parent support groups. Again, it’s about separating out the child from their behavior and then their behaviors as a parent versus them as a bad parent. That's one of the biggest ones.
You get things also like if child pornography or child sexual abuse material is involved and the police are called or there's a raid on a house. The community knows about it, it's on the news, there's shame, you lose people, people disappear. That's a really powerful thing for a parent or family to go through that can elicit a lot of shame for a parent.
Impact of Trauma and Family History on Shame
Tiffany: Also, wouldn't we say that if there's trauma, like past sexual abuse within the family, there can be so much shame and triggers around that as well.
Meredith: Yes. A parent might have been abused as a child and so their goal was to keep my kids from being abused and my kid actually ended up being a perpetrator. That's that intergenerational stuff that we're unknowingly passing down to our kids.
Tiffany: Yeah, and if you're a parent listening and you're feeling that any of this is resonating with you, please know that you're not alone and this is bigger than you and you can't necessarily do this alone. If you're feeling like you failed, give yourself some grace and know that there's help and know that it's way bigger than you are and everything you can control, which is less than we think. We like to think we can control a lot as parents when in reality, there's so many variables that are out of our control.
Meredith: So many variables. And sometimes those are hard to look at as parents.
Tiffany: They are. They're scary and they're hard, yet if you're willing, that's where the true healing comes.
Meredith: Absolutely. Yeah.
Tiffany: If parents are willing to look at themselves and look at their family system and look at their teens and, and help their kids understand that sexuality is part of growing up and this is normal, and able to do some vulnerable work, that's where things change and that's where the true, true healing comes.
Meredith: I think one thing that's really hard about this is it's not like drugs where it's like you just don't do drugs again. Sexuality is actually a very important part of human development, connection, and having healthy relationships. So it's not this absolute, “just don't do it again.” It's, “How do we learn to live with this? How do we learn to have it in a healthy way?” And a lot of times that feels very overwhelming to parents, that very rigid black and white. “They're always going to be this way. There's no hope. It's hopeless,” that kind of stuff because it isn't black and white. “Just don't do drugs.” No, it’s not that simple.
Tiffany: Or don't go to a bar ever again if you're an alcoholic.
Meredith: Yes. So it's kind of that gray area where we can't say don't ever do it again, but it is because it's so vital to human connection.
Tiffany: Yeah. So helping our teens understand, what is a healthy outlet? I think that's a lot of work that you and I do and I've done and you do currently at Oxbow. We're helping the kids understand that sexuality is healthy, and there's a healthy outlet for that, and how do we find that within your own family belief system?
Recognizing Signs of Struggle
Tiffany: What signs can parents look for that their teens may be struggling with problematic pornography usage?
Meredith: Screen time. Always wanting to have their phone, not willing to hand over their phone. Screen hunger.
Tiffany: What does that mean? What does it look like?
Meredith: It looks like I have a lot of anxiety if I lose my phone.
Tiffany: I've even heard parents talk about how their kid throws an absolute tantrum or an explosive fit if their screen gets taken away from them. Have you seen that too?
Meredith: A hundred percent. Yeah. Another concern is secret apps. This is where the education comes in as parents is there's apps out there. So if I know that, "Hey, here's a calculator that also is a secret file for pictures." If I'm noticing those kinds of stuff on their phone, if they're isolating, spending more time in their room, if there is a behavior shift within the family dynamic in an intensive way, there is a normalcy for an adolescent to start stepping away from the family, pushing back. There's normalcy to that.
Tiffany: Do you mean they can get moody? That's normal? Yeah? Good because I was getting worried. I've got a 12 year old.
Meredith: It's that extreme violence or temper tantrums as 16 year olds, a really elevated emotional response is usually a good sign.
Tiffany: Maybe the rapid mood changes and behavior that feels a little bit like, "Whoa, I just said this one small thing."
Meredith: Some whiplash.
Tiffany: Yeah, there's major whiplash. But maybe not just once, but a pattern of it, right?
Meredith: Yes.
Tiffany: So we don't want parents to be like, "Oh, my kid freaked out over something small once." No, there needs to be a continued pattern of these things.
Meredith: Paying attention to what they're watching. A lot of times people just let their kids watch YouTube, but are they watching more and more adult movies or TV shows where sexuality is part of the dialogue?
Tiffany: Yeah. For parents, if you were saying anything that you're like, "Oh, there's secret apps?" And there are blogs, there are apps, there are ways you can educate yourself on these things.
I have a system on my kids' phones before I gave them a smartphone. There's a number of them out there, but I use a system called Bark and it tells me, it alerts me if there's anything explicit that they're using or if there's any text messages that are coming through that are concerning. I can go and change the settings based off of like, if I'm concerned about depression or if I'm concerned about suicide ideation or if I'm concerned about other things that are maybe not of sexual nature. And so it helps give me peace of mind.
Now, granted, it's not going to be my saving grace and the catch all. I still have to look at my teen's phone, have an open conversation and a dialogue and be looking at our dynamics and our relationship as well. It can't just be, "Oh, I did that and I'm good." But it is helpful as a parent to know that there are tools that I can look at to help navigate this really scary big world that is sometimes beyond me at times.
Meredith: Yeah. I love that you're saying like, it's not “the end all be all” but it is helpful. And I just think too, knowing your kid is so important and understanding if there's a neurodiversity there, understanding what that specifically looks like for them. I've always heard that if you meet one neurodiverse person, you meet one neurodiverse person. They're all so different, right?
Tiffany: Same with teenagers. They're all so different.
Building Relationships with Teens
Meredith: But we just want to get really curious with our kids and try to understand them and what they're going through and again, trying to create that safe, open dialogue with them. And if that's not there, get curious about what's in the way of that.
Tiffany: Which leads me to this thought that just came up. Before your kids become teenagers, think about your relationship with them, like a piggy bank or a savings account.
If you're putting money in the account and then you have to go take money out while holding boundaries, maybe you guys get in a fight as they get older. If there's no money in the account and you haven't put effort into the relationship and you haven't nurtured that relationship and had an open dialogue before we get to this stage, and you haven't created trust and safety, then this is going to be a lot harder to do any of these things.
It's so important that we have a relationship with our kids before they become teenagers because those teenage years can be hard and rocky. And if you haven't put money in the bank, it's going to be hard to hold those hard boundaries, to be having these difficult, uncomfortable situations, and to know what's really going on in your kid's life, because it's natural for teens to get moody. It's natural for them to pull away. It's natural for them to be a little more secretive and to rather be hanging out with peers. And for our listeners, it's not if they view pornography, it's when, right?
Meredith: Yes, cause it's definitely out there. And I think if your kid looks at porn, it doesn't mean that they're going to have a porn addiction.
Tiffany: Or that they're going to sexually act out.
Meredith: Right. We just want to help create a safe space or when that happens, we can talk about it in a healthy way so we don't elicit a shame cycle, so we don't create isolation, so we don't get that process going.
Tiffany: So that we can guide them through their mental health struggles they're going to have as teens and that they don't fall down that rabbit hole that compounds upon itself like we talked about at the beginning so that they have a normal teenage experience and yes, normal teenagers are going to be a little more depressed. They're going to be risk seekers. They're going to feel more anxiety. Emotions are heightened. That is all normal and they are gonna witness pornography if they haven't already and if you have a relationship with your child, then it's gonna make this process so much better and easier.
Meredith: For everybody.
Offering Hope and Support
Tiffany: Yes and healing. And you have hope. For our parents who are listening, if you're like, "Oh my gosh, my child's looked at porn. That's it. I'm the worst parent. I failed. My kid's going to go to these worst case scenarios," some of them that we talked about, please stop. Take a deep breath. Know that your kid's not lost. You're not lost. You're not a bad parent. You're not alone. Every parent's going through this and there's hope. There's hope to redirect. There's hope to connect with your teen, to help them through this scary world that they're facing that I didn't have to necessarily face as a teen and our teens need us more than ever right now.
Meredith: Yeah, they need that healthy relationship and safe space to talk about uncomfortable things because they're out there everywhere.
Tiffany: And they need that healthy adult who's going to model to them what they should do. Because they have plenty of examples of what they shouldn't do right now. Whether it be through social media, television, movies, pornography, they have plenty of examples of what's not healthy.
So be that healthy parent. If you need to go to your own therapy and this is hitting all sorts of triggers for you, that's a good sign that it's okay, and you can go get your own help so that you can help your kids if they're struggling with this.
Meredith: Yes, I very much second that. Please seek your own support.
Tiffany: We're actually going to be talking about that in our next episode. We're going to dive into your specialty, which is why you're here, which is the family systems and how it erodes the family relationships and affects all of that. So stay tuned to our listeners. Know that there's hope and that you're not alone and we appreciate you guys tuning in.
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