Posts Tagged ‘parents’

Parents Dreams for Troubled Teen Become Reality

Monday, January 23rd, 2012

On a recent trip to California I was visiting with the family of a recent Oxbow graduate at his home. While we were talking his parents had a meaningful realization. They were talking about how they were so fearful, anxious, angry, and distraught the day that they brought their son to Oxbow. They talked about the devastation that they felt when the sexual issues were discovered and the trauma that they endured before they found the help of Oxbow.

In the next sentence parents reflected how they were in such a different place today. Today there were still challenges but these challenges were “dreadfully normal.” They talked about transporting kids to school, coordinating therapy appointments, helping with homework, their jobs, advocating to help their sons receive the school services they needed, but there was no mention of the pain, guilt, and shame that had plagued the family less than two years ago. Gone was the pain, anger, and shame and what they discovered as they sat in their home was hope that their son can have the future that they as parents dreamed he would have. As we said our goodbyes and gave the family a hug I asked the parents to take care of our son. I seemed to walk a little lighter knowing that we at Oxbow had played a small part in returning this boy to his parents and restoring their hopes and dreams that years before they had felt were lost.  by Todd Spaulding, Clinical Director, Oxbow Academy

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The Static Relationship: No Fairytale for Troubled Teens

Saturday, January 14th, 2012

A few months ago I was involved in a therapeutic intervention with a 15 yr old young man who was stalled out in his treatment.  He had decided to resist all efforts to re-engage the therapeutic process and take personal accountability for the state of his relationship with his parents.  It appeared that he was satisfied with the distress he was causing his parents and seemed willing to continue in his present course. 

The treatment team discussed his case at length and determined that the battle between this young man and his parents was a very common one with adolescents who are placed in treatment.  At the core of this issue is the desire for the young man to keep his relationship with his parents in a holding pattern. H wanted to keep himself and his needs as a priority. He saw his parent’s responsibility as meeting those needs.  As long as the parent child relationship continued to support this holding pattern, the young man will reward his parents with a degree of positive behavior.  The variable in this toxic relationship, however, is the fact that the young man’s needs seem to be fairly fluid in nature.  What satisfies him one day does not the next and he had become very adept at keeping his parents hopping from one unfulfilled need to another by an array of temper tantrum techniques.  What we were seeing in treatment was just more of the same. 

But something happened that this young man did not calculate.  His parents decided that they no longer would support the static relationship they had been in for the last 15 years.  The words they spoke to their son were well thought out and did not come packaged in bubble wrap.  They went like this, “We are no longer going to support the lack of progress in our relationship. As of today, we are walking away from the table and you have some choices to make.  We will support your basic needs but will no longer support your lack of progress with our attention.  The only contact we will have with you will be through your therapist.  We hope that one day you will choose us and accept your responsibility to an evolving relationship with us”.  Then the click of the phone being hung up echoed in the room. 

The young man was taken back, but the past years’ had a history of similar events.  He had seen this before, so he thought.  It was around day 30 where the young man’s countenance changed.  He began to ask the question, “Could this be for real? Could my parents really get along without taking care of all my needs?  Is it possible that I am not the center of my parents universe?”  That was the turning point.

This once very entitled young man began to see how much he needed a relationship with his parents.  Not just to take care of the things he lacked the skill, experience, and influence to manage, but emotionally he started to see his relationship with his parents in a new light.  It took a while for him to manage the pain and regret that settled in on him.  He was now in a very vulnerable position and at this point started to ask the right questions.  “What do I need to do to fix my relationship with my parents?”  His therapist had to take a moment to compose himself before returning the same question. “What do you think you need to do to fix the relationship with your parents?”  

The months that followed were filled with tears, frustration, regret, forgiveness, but above all, honesty.  This young man had made some very serious, relationship wrecking, choices that would take time to fix.  But he had gained understanding that keeping his relationship with his parents in a holding pattern was no longer acceptable. He knew he was responsible for meeting them where they were and accepting them as his parents, not as his subordinates or even as his equal. 

This story has a positive ending. The young man earned access to his parents and did the work necessary to play a participating role in their evolving relationship.  Mom and Dad took the role of King and Queen of the family kingdom and Son accepted his role as the Prince with loads of potential.  The courage it took for those parents to save their son was amazing but they did it and now their son, who they love beyond measure, has a chance. by Shawn Brooks, Executive Director, Oxbow Academy

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Troubled Teens “Our Sons”

Thursday, November 10th, 2011

This last mid October Saturday, while hauling in the last two loads of hay for the year with five of the Oxbow boys, we stopped in between loads with the boys to grab a doughnut at the local bakery. The boys were so excited to get the doughnuts they had earned.

Two older couples arrived at the doughnut case just before the boys. Without saying a word, I watched as the boys waited with much anticipation while the two older ladies hand-picked two full boxes of doughnuts. This process took approximately 10 minutes, which seemed like a long time – even to me!

The older couples finished selecting their doughnuts and it was now the boys’ turn. The boys eagerly picked their doughnuts and we were off to get some drinks. On the way out of the bakery area I heard the older gentleman address me as the boys stood by Brita and I.

He said, “Sir, I wanted to compliment you on how respectful your sons were while we were picking out our doughnuts.”

I said to the man, “Thank you. They need to be respectful.”

Then the man said, “You can be proud of your sons. There are not many young people that would have had that much patience with older people.”

I told the man thanks for the compliment and that I was proud of “my sons.”

What a great day to hear that compliment about our boys! Thanks to the parents for having the courage to work along side of us at Oxbow with “our sons.” Thanks to all at Oxbow for everything they do to help the boys along their journey.  Tony and Brita North, Equine Directors

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Courageous Parents: Loving Pressure Brings Honesty, Accountability and Healing

Tuesday, October 4th, 2011

For the past several months Oxbow staff has been working with a young man on completing his full disclosure.  He was initially highly resistant to disclose, although had dabbled in it.  As the items on his disclosure were altered by the week, it was clear that he was not being fully accountable for his sexual behaviors with those on whom he had perpetrated.  He initially tried to convince us that he was ready to take and to pass his polygraph exam.  After failing, having used countermeasures, he returned to campus admitting that he had not been honest.  Both the Oxbow staff and his parents felt that he must have been holding onto something very important to him- and his parents and I had a good guess as to what that may be.  

The next two months were spent processing and adding pressure from his therapist, parents and peers in hopes that he would take full accountability for his sexual behaviors.  He literally sat on Structure, putting minimal effort into his therapy for weeks.  His peers lost trust in him and they no longer allowed him to speak in group therapy session.  His parents made frequent trips to Utah to visit with and encourage him to come clean.  We finally severed phone calls with his parents until he agreed to come clean and to pass his polygraph.  We went through all of the disclosure prompts and questions again, pushing for additional information, but one area always met with resistance.  That is until one day, in an emotional session this teen began to let me in.  He shared with me his feelings of being a “monster” when he perpetrates, especially with regards to one of his victims, which was someone he truly cared about.  We discussed this “monster” in depth, and later that week he came clean on his second polygraph.      

 If it had not been for the pressure that was placed on this young man by Oxbow staff and his parents, I believe that he would have continued to hold onto the secrets he held regarding his deviant sexual behaviors.  I cannot stress enough how courageous this young man’s parents were for trusting the Oxbow staff in implementing the pressure that was necessary for this young man to come clean.  It took time and a considerable amount of pressure to break through this barrier.  It is my belief that the trust that these parents displayed during this crucial time is what is often required of the parents involved in the Oxbow Program.   These parents are courageous, trusting and willing to implement new parenting strategies in order to help their sons.  Parents’ willingness to change and to set and maintain clear boundaries play a very important role in their son’s success, not only while at Oxbow Academy, but for the duration of their lives.  - Rachelle Gallup, Therapist

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Courageous Parents and Troubled Teens

Friday, June 24th, 2011

     Yesterday on the news there was a story about family vacationing in Southern Utah. They were around a creek that, due to the high run off this year in Utah, was more like a river of fast moving water. The news report showed a water fall about 15 feet high. The water going over the falls was dark due to the runoff.

     The story went on to explain that this family had lost sight of their young son. After frantically looking for him, the father jumped into the water below the falls feeling that was where his son was. He found his son and pulled his lifeless body up and on to the bank of the river. When he got his son to the shore he found two individuals, also on vacation, that happened to be experienced rescue workers. They began to apply their training and brought the boy back to life.

     As I contemplated the story I was amazed at the courage and faith that young father showed jumping into that muddy water below the falls. He could not see if his son was in that brown churning water but jumped in anyway, risking his own life to do so.

     Today I saw the same kind of courage while taking part in a treatment graduation phase review. I looked across the table at two parents who had lost sight of their son and knew their troubled teen was in peril. They were willing to jump in to the muddy, fast moving waters of treatment because, like the young father in Southern Utah, the thought of losing their son was not bearable. I listened as they talked about how difficult it was to leave their son in the hands of strangers. They talked about that as being the worst day of their lives. The fear was almost unbearable, but they did it. They talked about how difficult the treatment process was for them, how many times they felt so discouraged, and hopeless. Then, like that little boy on the bank of a river in Southern Utah, their son took a breath and hope came rushing back. They described watching their son make hard decisions and work through difficult issues and now, at the end of this treatment experience, they are standing with their son knowing he has earned another chance.

     I can only imagine what the parents of the little boy in Southern Utah felt when their son took in his first breath and the signs of life began to show themselves. What powerful floods of emotions must have run through them in that moment! I think many of the parents I work with know how it feels to have hope return as their sons begin to battle back from addiction, self doubt, and destructive behaviors that, if left unchecked, would end their lives.

     I have been blessed to work with and witness the most courageous parents as they take great risk in an effort to help their sons. To seek out strangers who are skilled and trained in applying treatment and then trust them enough to follow their guidance has been such an example of courage and strength to me. If that father would not have taken action and pulled his son from the muddy, churning water under the falls, his son would have perished there. But, like these wonderful parents I have the pleasure of working with, he took action and saved his son.   Shawn Brooks, Executive Director, Oxbow Academy

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