Posts Tagged ‘family’
Wednesday, April 11th, 2012
Recently one of the clients with whom I work was able to see his sibling for the first time in a year. Their meeting over Skype was possible due to this student’s progress in the program. That progress consisted of working through two clinical phases, gaining insight into his behavioral patterns and making changes to these patterns in order to provide more safety in his relationships. He also gained empathy for others, worked weekly with his parents, completed the Clarification process with four other people and has maintained a good standing in the program. He has spent countless hours in preparation for this moment.
Prior to the meeting. this student expressed nervousness and excitement. He was ready for this day. He had with him his letter of accountability that he had worked on for weeks, fine tuning it to personal perfection. In his letter, he took into consideration terminology that his sibling many not recognize. He provided breaks to clarify his intentions and showed critical attention his sibling’s needs. Even with all of this preparation, my client did not know what to anticipate. The anticipation built up over the months of preparation that has led up to this day has been a growing experience for him.
My student greeted his sibling and asked if he was ready to hear what he prepared to share. After a confirmation, my client proceeded to explain what he had done and why. He showed empathy by expressing recognition of what he put his sibling through and explained ways that he is planning to provide safety in their relationship from here on out. The sincerity that my client showed was true and it was miraculous.
It is powerful to see the changes that these boys are willing to make in order to heal and to be healed. One of the most profound aspects of this process is the student’s realization that although life will never be the same as it was before the abuse, there is a recognition and desire to commit to make things better from here on out. There is a new determination. There is commitment and a heightened awareness of the necessity of change in order to create a healthy life for themselves and others.
The behaviors that this client showed last week instill a new hope in a family that once had very little hope to hold onto. Change is possible, and it is made possible through the sincere honesty and care demonstrated by a teenaged boy overcoming sexual behavioral problems. Rachelle Gallup, Therapist
Tags: ADHD, counseling, family, family therapy, mood disorders, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, struggling teens, substance abuse, teen therapy, therapy, troubled teens, victim
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Wednesday, March 28th, 2012
As I have worked with Oxbow over the last six years, I always felt like we were making a difference. But I always wondered how much of a difference we were making with our boys. I wanted to be able to measure the difference between a boy when he first came through our doors, and when he completed the program. For the past three months I have been able to administer the outcome tools that were able to confirm my initial feelings.
As our students participate periodically in our outcome studies, it is clear that we are making a difference in their lives. Although we are still in the beginning stages of our studies, we are able to see significant differences in our students as they allow the therapeutic process to heal their lives and their relationships. I am excited to see where our outcomes take us in the future and how we may be able to use it to fine tune our treatment. - Alan Kendall, East Campus Residential Director
Tags: family, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, troubled teen, troubled teens
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Monday, March 12th, 2012
As a mother who works full time, I have to leave my own child with someone every day. I always hope and pray that she is in good hands. That she is being protected and taught the correct things while I am away. That someone is loving her almost as much as I do (which I know is a high demand, because my love for her seems to have no bounds). That they are taking the time to play with her and give her the attention that she needs- that she deserves. And the reason I do this is so that I can take a similar role for someone else’s child every day.
Some of the boys that I work with have parents miles and miles away. Some haven’t been home in over a year, because they have been at other programs. The role I play in their lives is a sacred role that I can not lose sight of. I think of the many parents who are miles away from their sons just hoping that whoever is with them is taking care of them, and loving them almost as much as they love them. That someone is teaching them, and helping them to get back on track- since they have wandered so far from the course. I can never replace the role as their parent, nor am I supposed to. But my role is to care about them and help guide them back so they can be reunited with their family- whatever that may look like.
When I look at the picture of my little girl on my desk, I can’t help but be grateful for the amazing trust these parents have put in me with their own sons. And I am honored to be part of their journey to help bring their son’s back home safely. Tiffany Winder, Therapist, Oxbow Academy
Tags: family, family therapy, Mother, oxbow academy, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, therapist, therapy, troubled teen, troubled teens
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Tuesday, February 28th, 2012
As therapists at Oxbow, we are here to help students develop insight into their thought, feeling and behavioral patterns. We love this work and are privileged to work with wonderful students and families. As our students change, their families change. And as the families that we work with change, we are influenced for the better.
There is no set time line for how quickly one gains insight. Insight comes in its own time, dependent upon the individual’s willingness to “go there”. True insight cannot be given away and cannot be forced upon anyone. All that we can do to assist in this process is to encourage the student through interaction and hopefully foster a desire within him. Throughout this often long process, patience is tried and tears are shed. Nights of sleep are lost and stress can frequently seem overwhelming.
One family recently showed great patience with their son’s journey to insight. This family has waited patiently as their son played games that hurt them and avoided his treatment for months. This family waited in their pain and showed their patience with their son by being available for every contact made; whether it be a weekend phone call with little depth of conversation or a family or parent track session where they were asked to gain insight into their family system and how their personal functioning contributed to the family dynamic. This family showed patience with the Oxbow program by following the recommendations given by the Oxbow treatment team, regardless of how difficult these recommendations were. Due to working together as a team, their son is making progress.
I congratulate your son for the efforts that he has invested in his therapeutic work and for the maturity he has chosen to gain and to show. He is beginning to investigate his personal emotional depths. He is, at last, ready to learn from his own experiences.
I congratulate you as parents. I congratulate you for all of the work that you have invested physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I congratulate you for the personal growth you have decided to gain and for your willingness to not only teach, but to learn. For your patience with your son as he struggled to make a decision to move forward in his life, to move beyond fantasy and sit in reality.
This process is painful and continues to be tender for the many involved. Hope is fostered through patience and understanding. Thank you for all of the above. Thank you to the parents and family members of all those who have been willing to look at their pain and to work through it in positive ways. Your sons notice your growth and it encourages them to move toward gaining their own insight, promoting internal changes. Your love and devotion cannot be replaced. Your influence is remarkable, life changing. by Rachelle Gallup, Clinical Social Worker
Tags: ADD, ADHD, family, family therapy, mood disorders, oxbow academy, parenting, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, struggling teen, struggling teens, substance abuse, therapy, troubled teen, troubled teens
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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
Oxbow’s Residential Director, Bill Pollock, shared this essay by MS, one of our students. “This is the reason that we take the kids out and let them experience what we do,” Bill says. “It is always fun to watch them work through experiences and accomplish things they didn’t know they could.”
The Journey
Early in the morning a staff came to me and told me to get my winter clothes on. My first thought was,”Oh great, another silly ‘task’ to get done, and this time it was out in the cold!” Once I was ready, me and several other students loaded up in the van and the staff told us we were going to go track a mountain lion. We pulled away from the warm cozy facility and headed east. The other students and I slept on and off as we traveled toward the snow and cold. Somewhere in my dreams I heard a loud motor and woke to find we were stopped and a four wheeler with our Residential Director on it right outside the van. We piled out and headed for the trailhead.
The trail had over a foot of snow, but it didn’t appear that we were heading for the trail, exactly. We took one step off the trail and sunk to our waists in deep snow. My heart sunk with my feet into the cold snow. We trudged and slipped, plowed, pushed, stumbled, and crashed through the snow, using branches and sheer will to move forward. Finally we plopped down at the top of a hill, huffing and puffing to catch our breath. Our director and guide on this misadventure then informed us that we had only gone about 100 yards and we had roughly another 900 yards to go. I did some quick calculations in my head, recalculated again and no matter how I figured it the math came up the same. We still had a long way to go.
So we continued, slipping, plowing, pushing, stumbling and this time sliding around the terrain. As I was focusing on my momentum and the gravity pulling me down the side of a mountain I heard the dogs. They were baying, a very good sign. We found them, about a dozen of them clawing and howling at a tree. Our Guide and several other students were staring up at the tree. At first a saw nothing but snow covered branches, but as I moved around the tree I saw the Lion. Our Guide saw the look on my face and Laughed, clapping me on the back. It was truly one of the most amazing things I have ever seen.
About Twenty feet in the air, resting between several snowy branches was a full grown tom with paws the size of my head. I stood there shocked at how beautiful and majestic this creature was. I could clearly see the contours of his face and the way the natural colors of his fur blended together creating a stunning camouflage. He seemed content with his perch, despite the armada of canines at the base of his throne. His belly hung low over the branches, full of a fresh meal. He almost seemed to be falling asleep with his would-be captors only feet away. The epitome of feline nature, he sat with a cool head and crescent shaped eyes, looking down at the world as though he were king of it all. After some persisting he leapt from his perch in pursuit of a quieter one.
The trek out was equally as difficult as the one in but this one was peppered with taunts from our guide and staff about the delicious, warm dishes that awaited us. Most of my hydration was lost due to salivation over longing for that hot meal.
The day ended with no less than three pizzas and several boxes of cheese sticks from one of our favorite pizza haunts. It was an experience I will never forget and others that accompanied us will have to recover from. That exquisite face, proud eyes, and enormous body that peered down at us will live in my memory, as will the difficult journey required in order to see it with my own two eyes.
Tags: experiential therapy, family, family therapy, hunting, mood disorders, mountain lion, oxbow academy, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, struggling teen, substance abuse, therapy, trapping
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Monday, January 23rd, 2012
On a recent trip to California I was visiting with the family of a recent Oxbow graduate at his home. While we were talking his parents had a meaningful realization. They were talking about how they were so fearful, anxious, angry, and distraught the day that they brought their son to Oxbow. They talked about the devastation that they felt when the sexual issues were discovered and the trauma that they endured before they found the help of Oxbow.
In the next sentence parents reflected how they were in such a different place today. Today there were still challenges but these challenges were “dreadfully normal.” They talked about transporting kids to school, coordinating therapy appointments, helping with homework, their jobs, advocating to help their sons receive the school services they needed, but there was no mention of the pain, guilt, and shame that had plagued the family less than two years ago. Gone was the pain, anger, and shame and what they discovered as they sat in their home was hope that their son can have the future that they as parents dreamed he would have. As we said our goodbyes and gave the family a hug I asked the parents to take care of our son. I seemed to walk a little lighter knowing that we at Oxbow had played a small part in returning this boy to his parents and restoring their hopes and dreams that years before they had felt were lost. by Todd Spaulding, Clinical Director, Oxbow Academy
Tags: ADD, ADHD, anger, families, family, family therapy, guilt, oxbow academy, parenting, parents, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, shame, substance abuse, therapist, therapy
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Saturday, January 14th, 2012
A few months ago I was involved in a therapeutic intervention with a 15 yr old young man who was stalled out in his treatment. He had decided to resist all efforts to re-engage the therapeutic process and take personal accountability for the state of his relationship with his parents. It appeared that he was satisfied with the distress he was causing his parents and seemed willing to continue in his present course.
The treatment team discussed his case at length and determined that the battle between this young man and his parents was a very common one with adolescents who are placed in treatment. At the core of this issue is the desire for the young man to keep his relationship with his parents in a holding pattern. H wanted to keep himself and his needs as a priority. He saw his parent’s responsibility as meeting those needs. As long as the parent child relationship continued to support this holding pattern, the young man will reward his parents with a degree of positive behavior. The variable in this toxic relationship, however, is the fact that the young man’s needs seem to be fairly fluid in nature. What satisfies him one day does not the next and he had become very adept at keeping his parents hopping from one unfulfilled need to another by an array of temper tantrum techniques. What we were seeing in treatment was just more of the same.
But something happened that this young man did not calculate. His parents decided that they no longer would support the static relationship they had been in for the last 15 years. The words they spoke to their son were well thought out and did not come packaged in bubble wrap. They went like this, “We are no longer going to support the lack of progress in our relationship. As of today, we are walking away from the table and you have some choices to make. We will support your basic needs but will no longer support your lack of progress with our attention. The only contact we will have with you will be through your therapist. We hope that one day you will choose us and accept your responsibility to an evolving relationship with us”. Then the click of the phone being hung up echoed in the room.
The young man was taken back, but the past years’ had a history of similar events. He had seen this before, so he thought. It was around day 30 where the young man’s countenance changed. He began to ask the question, “Could this be for real? Could my parents really get along without taking care of all my needs? Is it possible that I am not the center of my parents universe?” That was the turning point.
This once very entitled young man began to see how much he needed a relationship with his parents. Not just to take care of the things he lacked the skill, experience, and influence to manage, but emotionally he started to see his relationship with his parents in a new light. It took a while for him to manage the pain and regret that settled in on him. He was now in a very vulnerable position and at this point started to ask the right questions. “What do I need to do to fix my relationship with my parents?” His therapist had to take a moment to compose himself before returning the same question. “What do you think you need to do to fix the relationship with your parents?”
The months that followed were filled with tears, frustration, regret, forgiveness, but above all, honesty. This young man had made some very serious, relationship wrecking, choices that would take time to fix. But he had gained understanding that keeping his relationship with his parents in a holding pattern was no longer acceptable. He knew he was responsible for meeting them where they were and accepting them as his parents, not as his subordinates or even as his equal.
This story has a positive ending. The young man earned access to his parents and did the work necessary to play a participating role in their evolving relationship. Mom and Dad took the role of King and Queen of the family kingdom and Son accepted his role as the Prince with loads of potential. The courage it took for those parents to save their son was amazing but they did it and now their son, who they love beyond measure, has a chance. by Shawn Brooks, Executive Director, Oxbow Academy
Tags: ADHD, fairy tale, family, family therapy, oxbow academy, parenting, parents, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapist, troubled teen, troubled teens
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Tuesday, November 29th, 2011
The holiday season brings about many struggles for parents of Oxbow students. Reality hits home as some parents realize that their sons are not in the place, therapeutically speaking, that would allow them to go home to be with their families over Christmas.
This has been a struggle for one of the families with whom I work. Several conversations have taken place recently that entailed progress updates as well as estimations on when their son could have his first home pass.
As students progress through the program at Oxbow there is a lot of emotional work required of them prior to their first home pass. This being said, there is no way to discern an exact time in which a student will be emotionally ready for this step forward. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes dealing with the reality of the situation, although that reality may exclude families from being together on some important holidays and in taking part in family traditions. This news comes as hard news to some parents, as well as to their sons.
Some families choose to make new memories with their sons during this time. The family mentioned previously decided that they would come to Utah to be with their son for Thanksgiving. They chose to use this time to build trust with their son, altering their family tradition of togetherness to mean something new and beautiful for their family as they work toward healing damaged relationships.
This year they are thankful for different things than they have been in the past. This family is thankful for the progress that their son is making towards healing damaged relationships, and all that means. They are thankful for the little things, such as their son’s ‘willingness to look them in the eye’ when speaking with them and for the feeling of truthfulness that they get from him. They are thankful for the good experiences that they are able to have with their son, now that he has increased the honesty in his relationships. They are grateful that they are able to see their son ‘grow to become a man’.
As these parents tried to express their thankfulness for this process, they said that no words can truly describe how grateful they are at this time for all that Oxbow offers their family in helping their son make these life changes. Although this Thanksgiving was anything but their tradition, they found themselves thankful. by Rachelle Gallup, CSW
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, adoption, experiential therapy, families, family, family therapy, pornography addiction, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, substance abuse, thanksgiving, troubled teen, www.oxbowacademy.net
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Wednesday, October 19th, 2011
Oxbow’s Executive Director Shawn Brooks and Clinical Director Todd Spaulding have been invited to present a seminar at the national convention of the National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs (NATSAP).
The invitation comes on the heels of a presentation called “Boys Will Be Boys?” made at local and regional NATSAP conferences.
In that presentation, Todd and Shawn taught other professionals at troubled teen programs how to identify students that may be struggling with sexual issues. They also explained, using examples from annonymous Oxbow students, how boys are able to get away with inappropriate sexual behaviors while they are in therapeutic programs treating them for other issues.
“Students will try to use humor or thinking errors to justify their behaviors,” explains Todd Spaulding. “Unless therapy professionals know what to look for, this kind of sexual acting out can be minimized or overlooked entirely.”
The national NATSAP conference is scheduled for February, 2012.
Tags: ADD, ADHD, blended families, experiential therapy, family, family therapy, mood disorders, pornography addiction, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapy, troubled teen, troubled teens, www.oxbowacademy.net
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Tuesday, October 4th, 2011
For the past several months Oxbow staff has been working with a young man on completing his full disclosure. He was initially highly resistant to disclose, although had dabbled in it. As the items on his disclosure were altered by the week, it was clear that he was not being fully accountable for his sexual behaviors with those on whom he had perpetrated. He initially tried to convince us that he was ready to take and to pass his polygraph exam. After failing, having used countermeasures, he returned to campus admitting that he had not been honest. Both the Oxbow staff and his parents felt that he must have been holding onto something very important to him- and his parents and I had a good guess as to what that may be.
The next two months were spent processing and adding pressure from his therapist, parents and peers in hopes that he would take full accountability for his sexual behaviors. He literally sat on Structure, putting minimal effort into his therapy for weeks. His peers lost trust in him and they no longer allowed him to speak in group therapy session. His parents made frequent trips to Utah to visit with and encourage him to come clean. We finally severed phone calls with his parents until he agreed to come clean and to pass his polygraph. We went through all of the disclosure prompts and questions again, pushing for additional information, but one area always met with resistance. That is until one day, in an emotional session this teen began to let me in. He shared with me his feelings of being a “monster” when he perpetrates, especially with regards to one of his victims, which was someone he truly cared about. We discussed this “monster” in depth, and later that week he came clean on his second polygraph.
If it had not been for the pressure that was placed on this young man by Oxbow staff and his parents, I believe that he would have continued to hold onto the secrets he held regarding his deviant sexual behaviors. I cannot stress enough how courageous this young man’s parents were for trusting the Oxbow staff in implementing the pressure that was necessary for this young man to come clean. It took time and a considerable amount of pressure to break through this barrier. It is my belief that the trust that these parents displayed during this crucial time is what is often required of the parents involved in the Oxbow Program. These parents are courageous, trusting and willing to implement new parenting strategies in order to help their sons. Parents’ willingness to change and to set and maintain clear boundaries play a very important role in their son’s success, not only while at Oxbow Academy, but for the duration of their lives. - Rachelle Gallup, Therapist
Tags: families, family, family therapy, parenting, parents, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, troubled teen
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