Posts Tagged ‘family’
Monday, January 23rd, 2012
On a recent trip to California I was visiting with the family of a recent Oxbow graduate at his home. While we were talking his parents had a meaningful realization. They were talking about how they were so fearful, anxious, angry, and distraught the day that they brought their son to Oxbow. They talked about the devastation that they felt when the sexual issues were discovered and the trauma that they endured before they found the help of Oxbow.
In the next sentence parents reflected how they were in such a different place today. Today there were still challenges but these challenges were “dreadfully normal.” They talked about transporting kids to school, coordinating therapy appointments, helping with homework, their jobs, advocating to help their sons receive the school services they needed, but there was no mention of the pain, guilt, and shame that had plagued the family less than two years ago. Gone was the pain, anger, and shame and what they discovered as they sat in their home was hope that their son can have the future that they as parents dreamed he would have. As we said our goodbyes and gave the family a hug I asked the parents to take care of our son. I seemed to walk a little lighter knowing that we at Oxbow had played a small part in returning this boy to his parents and restoring their hopes and dreams that years before they had felt were lost. by Todd Spaulding, Clinical Director, Oxbow Academy
Tags: ADD, ADHD, anger, families, family, family therapy, guilt, oxbow academy, parenting, parents, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, shame, substance abuse, therapist, therapy
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Saturday, January 14th, 2012
A few months ago I was involved in a therapeutic intervention with a 15 yr old young man who was stalled out in his treatment. He had decided to resist all efforts to re-engage the therapeutic process and take personal accountability for the state of his relationship with his parents. It appeared that he was satisfied with the distress he was causing his parents and seemed willing to continue in his present course.
The treatment team discussed his case at length and determined that the battle between this young man and his parents was a very common one with adolescents who are placed in treatment. At the core of this issue is the desire for the young man to keep his relationship with his parents in a holding pattern. H wanted to keep himself and his needs as a priority. He saw his parent’s responsibility as meeting those needs. As long as the parent child relationship continued to support this holding pattern, the young man will reward his parents with a degree of positive behavior. The variable in this toxic relationship, however, is the fact that the young man’s needs seem to be fairly fluid in nature. What satisfies him one day does not the next and he had become very adept at keeping his parents hopping from one unfulfilled need to another by an array of temper tantrum techniques. What we were seeing in treatment was just more of the same.
But something happened that this young man did not calculate. His parents decided that they no longer would support the static relationship they had been in for the last 15 years. The words they spoke to their son were well thought out and did not come packaged in bubble wrap. They went like this, “We are no longer going to support the lack of progress in our relationship. As of today, we are walking away from the table and you have some choices to make. We will support your basic needs but will no longer support your lack of progress with our attention. The only contact we will have with you will be through your therapist. We hope that one day you will choose us and accept your responsibility to an evolving relationship with us”. Then the click of the phone being hung up echoed in the room.
The young man was taken back, but the past years’ had a history of similar events. He had seen this before, so he thought. It was around day 30 where the young man’s countenance changed. He began to ask the question, “Could this be for real? Could my parents really get along without taking care of all my needs? Is it possible that I am not the center of my parents universe?” That was the turning point.
This once very entitled young man began to see how much he needed a relationship with his parents. Not just to take care of the things he lacked the skill, experience, and influence to manage, but emotionally he started to see his relationship with his parents in a new light. It took a while for him to manage the pain and regret that settled in on him. He was now in a very vulnerable position and at this point started to ask the right questions. “What do I need to do to fix my relationship with my parents?” His therapist had to take a moment to compose himself before returning the same question. “What do you think you need to do to fix the relationship with your parents?”
The months that followed were filled with tears, frustration, regret, forgiveness, but above all, honesty. This young man had made some very serious, relationship wrecking, choices that would take time to fix. But he had gained understanding that keeping his relationship with his parents in a holding pattern was no longer acceptable. He knew he was responsible for meeting them where they were and accepting them as his parents, not as his subordinates or even as his equal.
This story has a positive ending. The young man earned access to his parents and did the work necessary to play a participating role in their evolving relationship. Mom and Dad took the role of King and Queen of the family kingdom and Son accepted his role as the Prince with loads of potential. The courage it took for those parents to save their son was amazing but they did it and now their son, who they love beyond measure, has a chance. by Shawn Brooks, Executive Director, Oxbow Academy
Tags: ADHD, fairy tale, family, family therapy, oxbow academy, parenting, parents, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapist, troubled teen, troubled teens
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Tuesday, November 29th, 2011
The holiday season brings about many struggles for parents of Oxbow students. Reality hits home as some parents realize that their sons are not in the place, therapeutically speaking, that would allow them to go home to be with their families over Christmas.
This has been a struggle for one of the families with whom I work. Several conversations have taken place recently that entailed progress updates as well as estimations on when their son could have his first home pass.
As students progress through the program at Oxbow there is a lot of emotional work required of them prior to their first home pass. This being said, there is no way to discern an exact time in which a student will be emotionally ready for this step forward. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes dealing with the reality of the situation, although that reality may exclude families from being together on some important holidays and in taking part in family traditions. This news comes as hard news to some parents, as well as to their sons.
Some families choose to make new memories with their sons during this time. The family mentioned previously decided that they would come to Utah to be with their son for Thanksgiving. They chose to use this time to build trust with their son, altering their family tradition of togetherness to mean something new and beautiful for their family as they work toward healing damaged relationships.
This year they are thankful for different things than they have been in the past. This family is thankful for the progress that their son is making towards healing damaged relationships, and all that means. They are thankful for the little things, such as their son’s ‘willingness to look them in the eye’ when speaking with them and for the feeling of truthfulness that they get from him. They are thankful for the good experiences that they are able to have with their son, now that he has increased the honesty in his relationships. They are grateful that they are able to see their son ‘grow to become a man’.
As these parents tried to express their thankfulness for this process, they said that no words can truly describe how grateful they are at this time for all that Oxbow offers their family in helping their son make these life changes. Although this Thanksgiving was anything but their tradition, they found themselves thankful. by Rachelle Gallup, CSW
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, adoption, experiential therapy, families, family, family therapy, pornography addiction, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, substance abuse, thanksgiving, troubled teen, www.oxbowacademy.net
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Wednesday, October 19th, 2011
Oxbow’s Executive Director Shawn Brooks and Clinical Director Todd Spaulding have been invited to present a seminar at the national convention of the National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs (NATSAP).
The invitation comes on the heels of a presentation called “Boys Will Be Boys?” made at local and regional NATSAP conferences.
In that presentation, Todd and Shawn taught other professionals at troubled teen programs how to identify students that may be struggling with sexual issues. They also explained, using examples from annonymous Oxbow students, how boys are able to get away with inappropriate sexual behaviors while they are in therapeutic programs treating them for other issues.
“Students will try to use humor or thinking errors to justify their behaviors,” explains Todd Spaulding. “Unless therapy professionals know what to look for, this kind of sexual acting out can be minimized or overlooked entirely.”
The national NATSAP conference is scheduled for February, 2012.
Tags: ADD, ADHD, blended families, experiential therapy, family, family therapy, mood disorders, pornography addiction, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapy, troubled teen, troubled teens, www.oxbowacademy.net
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Tuesday, October 4th, 2011
For the past several months Oxbow staff has been working with a young man on completing his full disclosure. He was initially highly resistant to disclose, although had dabbled in it. As the items on his disclosure were altered by the week, it was clear that he was not being fully accountable for his sexual behaviors with those on whom he had perpetrated. He initially tried to convince us that he was ready to take and to pass his polygraph exam. After failing, having used countermeasures, he returned to campus admitting that he had not been honest. Both the Oxbow staff and his parents felt that he must have been holding onto something very important to him- and his parents and I had a good guess as to what that may be.
The next two months were spent processing and adding pressure from his therapist, parents and peers in hopes that he would take full accountability for his sexual behaviors. He literally sat on Structure, putting minimal effort into his therapy for weeks. His peers lost trust in him and they no longer allowed him to speak in group therapy session. His parents made frequent trips to Utah to visit with and encourage him to come clean. We finally severed phone calls with his parents until he agreed to come clean and to pass his polygraph. We went through all of the disclosure prompts and questions again, pushing for additional information, but one area always met with resistance. That is until one day, in an emotional session this teen began to let me in. He shared with me his feelings of being a “monster” when he perpetrates, especially with regards to one of his victims, which was someone he truly cared about. We discussed this “monster” in depth, and later that week he came clean on his second polygraph.
If it had not been for the pressure that was placed on this young man by Oxbow staff and his parents, I believe that he would have continued to hold onto the secrets he held regarding his deviant sexual behaviors. I cannot stress enough how courageous this young man’s parents were for trusting the Oxbow staff in implementing the pressure that was necessary for this young man to come clean. It took time and a considerable amount of pressure to break through this barrier. It is my belief that the trust that these parents displayed during this crucial time is what is often required of the parents involved in the Oxbow Program. These parents are courageous, trusting and willing to implement new parenting strategies in order to help their sons. Parents’ willingness to change and to set and maintain clear boundaries play a very important role in their son’s success, not only while at Oxbow Academy, but for the duration of their lives. - Rachelle Gallup, Therapist
Tags: families, family, family therapy, parenting, parents, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, troubled teen
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Friday, September 9th, 2011
Shwan Brooks, Oxbow’s Executive Director, received this letter this month from the parent of one of our graduates. We gratefully share it’s contents with our blog readers. To protect this family’s privacy, their names have been ommitted or abbreviated.
Setember 7, 2011
Dear Shawn,
It’s been a month since ** graduation from Oxbow, and I promised I would share some thoughts about his nearly 18-month stay. Rather than look back, I’d like to bring you up to date on the weeks since we saw you.
** is a college reshman, living the life of an 18-year-old we once could only pray he’d become. He has made friends aplenty and gotten off to a good academic start. He says he has never been happier. Time, of course, will determine if everything remains so rosy, but each day that goes well lays a foundation for even better days ahead.
While ** missed out on the life of a “normal” high school student, he seems advanced beyond his college peers in other ways. For instance, he says he finds their fascination with alcohol and sex shallow and of little interest to him. I think the regard he developed at Oxbow for the importance of meaningful relationships is at the core of his reaction. If so, Oxbow helped prepare him for life in ways his classmates now must negotiate.
Additionally, ** seems to have gotten off to a good academic start. ** says he has a new-found interest in learning that we first saw emerge at Oxbow.
** has stayed in touch with Tony and Britta. Their friendship and support helped him through Oxbow and continue to help him now. While two weeks of college life is little more than a start, ** is off to a good start.
It’s a long way from the condition in which ** found himself when reporting to Oxbow. More than 15 months of other therapeutic schools had failed to crack the shell in which ** resided. I credit the Oxbow team, along with ** for his hard work, with the advances that occurred.
Tiffany Winder and Todd Spaulding were firm but loving in the way they performed their therapy. It would have been easy for all of us to quit the relentless grind of weekly family sessions, but Tiffany and Todd maintained a professional manner that never allowed us to lose hope. They guided ** through some of the most-challenging soul-searching any human could face.
Bill Pollack and folks like Amy Brown taught ** the importance of living successfully with others in the residential part of the program. I doubt that ** will ever encounter a college roommate with whom he cannot co-exist, based on his Oxbow experience.
Academically, ** blossomed at Oxbow. Self-learning seemed to be the key, but the staff that Rick Lee guided helped to turn our son into a true student. Given his spotty academic experience in high school, we had low expectations for a college career. Yet, ** scored in the 75th percentile in the SAT exam and was accepted to 11 universities, including the one he now attends.
Perhaps no part of Oxbow affected ** as greatly as the equine program, led by Tony and Britta. ** came to understand that horses make wonderful surrogates for people and that building a relationship with a horse can be even more challenging than connecting with a fellow human. Tony and Britta also showed a special interest in **. They made him feel loved, something he desperately needed, even though he was already loved by so many. Perhaps I will never fully understand the magic of the relationship, but it worked. For that we will be eternally grateful.
While I pray that no young man would ever need Oxbow, itʼs reassuring to know that it exists. Had it not existed, I shudder to think where our son would be today. You took him to places in his heart and soul that he might never have reached. As a result, he came to understand himself and learned to communicate those feelings to others.
We sent you a boy who was broken in spirit and you returned to us a young man who has a very real chance at success. That is all anyone can ever ask.
I hope this is helpful to you. Please feel free to share our story with others. I only ask that you do so anonymously, which I am certain you will.
Best personal regards,
J
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, adoption, equine, experientail therapy, family, family therapy, horse, mood disorder, oxbow academy, pornography addiction, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapy, troubled teens
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Wednesday, August 31st, 2011
My day started at 5:30 this morning. We were scheduled for a video shoot at 8 a.m. at Oxbow’s East Campus equine facility. This was to be part three of a series of videos introducing DJ – the abandoned horse Tony and Brita and two of the Oxbow students were rehabilitating. Near death when they rescued him, we’d been filming the horse’s progress and talking to the boys about their own journey toward healing. I thought I was prepared for what I was about to see. Nothing could have been farther from the truth.
The change in DJ was astonishing. His body was filling out nicely from a diet of protein enriched grain and hay. He’d gained enough strength for his hoofs to be trimmed. His sunburned nose had healed and his coat, once patchy and virtually non-existent, was shiny in the morning light.
That, however, wasn’t the most surprising part of the day. D and J, the two boys responsible for DJ, looked equally as changed. As D explained how the horse’s scars were now almost invisible thanks to the nourishment he was receiving, I couldn’t keep my eyes off the animated young man’s face. Two months ago he had barely two words to say. He seldom made eye contact and spoke softly. Now his soft drawl was quiet, but confident. He handled the horse with ease and the horse responded to D’s petting like a puppy, nudging the boy when he stopped and putting his trusting head on D’s shoulder.
D is going home tomorrow. He’s finished the therapeutic journey he began at Oxbow months ago. And he is a changed young man. In so many ways. As he hugged the horse goodby, and handed J the training rope, I wondered what part of his experience he’d remember most.
“I’m grateful,” he said. I thought there was a catch in his voice. “For these people. This place. For my parents and what they did for me in allowing me to come here. I never realized before they would do anything to help me get better.”
He handed off the rope and headed to the car and a new life. I’m headed to the video edit bay, hoping I can do justice to the story of the rescued boy who has become a strong young man. – By Jennifer Jones, Oxbow Media Specialist
Check the Videos page on Oxbow’s website starting Sept. 15 for updates on the story of DJ.
Tags: abandonment, ADD, ADHD, adoption, animal rescue, family, family therapy, horses, oxbow academy, RedCliff Ascent, rescue, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, struggling teen, troubled teen
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Thursday, August 18th, 2011
Today was a day that makes all the stressful and frustrating days at work worth it. Today one of my clients successfully transitioned from our program. He had been here for just over a year. When I first met with him, he had little hope and displayed hardly any emotion. He seemed jaded from the things he had not only seen via pornography, but also due to the things he had done and experienced. He saw little to no hope for his future, and saw himself as almost a monster for the things he had done. He was alienated from his family, and his parents were at the end of their rope with him. He had been to a number of other programs, all who had passed him off to the next. Now he was turning 18 in less than a year, and Oxbow was his last hope.
Today this same boy sat in the same room with a number of staff, peers, therapist and others who had helped him on his journey here at Oxbow. Most importantly his parents were there. This same boy who showed little to no emotion sat there crying as he thanked everyone in that room for believing in him and helping him. He thanked his parents for always being there for him. He thanked me for holding him accountable. He thanked his equine leaders for being a second family to him. He finally had hope, he finally had a future and he finally believed in himself.
The thing that touched me the most was his parents. His father gave me a number of hugs thanking me. He said in his son’s phase review “I finally have my son back.” His mother, who I have never seen cry, hugged me good bye with tears in her eyes and thanked me for everything. Interestingly while his parent’s were thanking me, the truth of the matter is that their son wouldn’t be where he is today without having them as parents. Even when I asked them to do difficult things, even when they weren’t thrilled or on board at first, they were always willing to be supportive and work through things. They were willing to do the their own part of family therapy, and not just expect their son to do all the work.
Their son is now on his way to a prestigious college, with a career goal in mind, determination and hope. Even though he is nervous and anxious he understands that he has the tools he needs to be successful in life. He realizes he can actually have a healthy relationship with others, and find true joy in life that is more real than anything he can find on the Internet. His journey here at Oxbow is not ending, rather he is just transitioning on to the rest of his life- He finally has a second chance at his life. By Tiffany Winder, Therapist
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Tags: ADD, ADHD, family, family therapy, mood disorder, oxbow academy, pornography addiction, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual trauma, substance abuse
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Wednesday, July 20th, 2011
On June 29th, we had our monthly bonus activity – the one we have when none of the students have acted out. After several different activities were thrown on the table we decided on playing softball. The admissions team, mentors and students went over to Moroni to the soft ball fields. When everyone arrived at the fields we all lined up and counted off to divide into teams. It was kind of crazy at first, I think several of us forgot how to catch, throw a ball and even hit. After a couple innings everyone started getting the hang of the game. It was so much fun watching the different personalities come out in the students and even the staff. It was just a relaxing day with no pressure and no worrying about something important to get done. It was a day just to enjoy each others company and have a good laugh. We played about 9 innings then decided that we had played enough. After it was over we went back to Oxbow where Charlotte had prepared a BBQ lunch for everyone. We had hamburgers or hot dogs, salads, chips, fruit and dessert. It was YUMMY!!!! Overall, it was a very fun filled day. By Bill Pollock, Residential Director
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, adoption, Baseball, experiential therapy, family, family therapy, oxbow academy, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual dependency, sexual trauma, troubled teens
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Friday, June 24th, 2011
Yesterday on the news there was a story about family vacationing in Southern Utah. They were around a creek that, due to the high run off this year in Utah, was more like a river of fast moving water. The news report showed a water fall about 15 feet high. The water going over the falls was dark due to the runoff.
The story went on to explain that this family had lost sight of their young son. After frantically looking for him, the father jumped into the water below the falls feeling that was where his son was. He found his son and pulled his lifeless body up and on to the bank of the river. When he got his son to the shore he found two individuals, also on vacation, that happened to be experienced rescue workers. They began to apply their training and brought the boy back to life.
As I contemplated the story I was amazed at the courage and faith that young father showed jumping into that muddy water below the falls. He could not see if his son was in that brown churning water but jumped in anyway, risking his own life to do so.
Today I saw the same kind of courage while taking part in a treatment graduation phase review. I looked across the table at two parents who had lost sight of their son and knew their troubled teen was in peril. They were willing to jump in to the muddy, fast moving waters of treatment because, like the young father in Southern Utah, the thought of losing their son was not bearable. I listened as they talked about how difficult it was to leave their son in the hands of strangers. They talked about that as being the worst day of their lives. The fear was almost unbearable, but they did it. They talked about how difficult the treatment process was for them, how many times they felt so discouraged, and hopeless. Then, like that little boy on the bank of a river in Southern Utah, their son took a breath and hope came rushing back. They described watching their son make hard decisions and work through difficult issues and now, at the end of this treatment experience, they are standing with their son knowing he has earned another chance.
I can only imagine what the parents of the little boy in Southern Utah felt when their son took in his first breath and the signs of life began to show themselves. What powerful floods of emotions must have run through them in that moment! I think many of the parents I work with know how it feels to have hope return as their sons begin to battle back from addiction, self doubt, and destructive behaviors that, if left unchecked, would end their lives.
I have been blessed to work with and witness the most courageous parents as they take great risk in an effort to help their sons. To seek out strangers who are skilled and trained in applying treatment and then trust them enough to follow their guidance has been such an example of courage and strength to me. If that father would not have taken action and pulled his son from the muddy, churning water under the falls, his son would have perished there. But, like these wonderful parents I have the pleasure of working with, he took action and saved his son. Shawn Brooks, Executive Director, Oxbow Academy
Tags: adoption, courage, danger, drowning, experiential therapy, family, oxbow academy, parents, pornography addiction, rescue, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, therapists, therapy, troubled teens
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