Posts Tagged ‘troubled teens’
Saturday, January 14th, 2012
A few months ago I was involved in a therapeutic intervention with a 15 yr old young man who was stalled out in his treatment. He had decided to resist all efforts to re-engage the therapeutic process and take personal accountability for the state of his relationship with his parents. It appeared that he was satisfied with the distress he was causing his parents and seemed willing to continue in his present course.
The treatment team discussed his case at length and determined that the battle between this young man and his parents was a very common one with adolescents who are placed in treatment. At the core of this issue is the desire for the young man to keep his relationship with his parents in a holding pattern. H wanted to keep himself and his needs as a priority. He saw his parent’s responsibility as meeting those needs. As long as the parent child relationship continued to support this holding pattern, the young man will reward his parents with a degree of positive behavior. The variable in this toxic relationship, however, is the fact that the young man’s needs seem to be fairly fluid in nature. What satisfies him one day does not the next and he had become very adept at keeping his parents hopping from one unfulfilled need to another by an array of temper tantrum techniques. What we were seeing in treatment was just more of the same.
But something happened that this young man did not calculate. His parents decided that they no longer would support the static relationship they had been in for the last 15 years. The words they spoke to their son were well thought out and did not come packaged in bubble wrap. They went like this, “We are no longer going to support the lack of progress in our relationship. As of today, we are walking away from the table and you have some choices to make. We will support your basic needs but will no longer support your lack of progress with our attention. The only contact we will have with you will be through your therapist. We hope that one day you will choose us and accept your responsibility to an evolving relationship with us”. Then the click of the phone being hung up echoed in the room.
The young man was taken back, but the past years’ had a history of similar events. He had seen this before, so he thought. It was around day 30 where the young man’s countenance changed. He began to ask the question, “Could this be for real? Could my parents really get along without taking care of all my needs? Is it possible that I am not the center of my parents universe?” That was the turning point.
This once very entitled young man began to see how much he needed a relationship with his parents. Not just to take care of the things he lacked the skill, experience, and influence to manage, but emotionally he started to see his relationship with his parents in a new light. It took a while for him to manage the pain and regret that settled in on him. He was now in a very vulnerable position and at this point started to ask the right questions. “What do I need to do to fix my relationship with my parents?” His therapist had to take a moment to compose himself before returning the same question. “What do you think you need to do to fix the relationship with your parents?”
The months that followed were filled with tears, frustration, regret, forgiveness, but above all, honesty. This young man had made some very serious, relationship wrecking, choices that would take time to fix. But he had gained understanding that keeping his relationship with his parents in a holding pattern was no longer acceptable. He knew he was responsible for meeting them where they were and accepting them as his parents, not as his subordinates or even as his equal.
This story has a positive ending. The young man earned access to his parents and did the work necessary to play a participating role in their evolving relationship. Mom and Dad took the role of King and Queen of the family kingdom and Son accepted his role as the Prince with loads of potential. The courage it took for those parents to save their son was amazing but they did it and now their son, who they love beyond measure, has a chance. by Shawn Brooks, Executive Director, Oxbow Academy
Tags: ADHD, fairy tale, family, family therapy, oxbow academy, parenting, parents, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapist, troubled teen, troubled teens
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Monday, January 9th, 2012
Confidence n. 1. trust, reliance 2 belief in one’s own abilities 3 an invisible force
I teach art here at Oxbow Academy. My goal is to get our boys to try something new and different. I’m always hearing the same excuse: “I can’t draw!” Well, isn’t that why you take a drawing class? To learn how to draw? I have seen so many amazed faces when students are able to execute their ideas on paper.
Recently one of our grads wrote: “I just want to say Mrs. Erin ever since your art classes I’ve been exploring and doing a lot of freehand stuff. I’m getting pretty good 
lol Thanks for the classes. They sparked an interest for me that i didn’t know I had.”
Maybe it is an interest. Maybe it is confidence. Maybe it’s the “permission” to try something new. Whatever it is, it is powerful beyond words. It is also a beginning. Our students may not realize it at the time but just trying something that they thought they couldn’t do empowers them to do more!
This week I saw a young man make enormous strides therapeutically. This is a young man who has struggled and struggled to keep his head above water. It started with small successes, trying new things. Art was just one of them. During equine therapy this week I watched him take out one of the Arabian horses. Her name is Miss Priss and she is feisty! He wanted to ride her so bad. He wanted her to be “his” horse.
I watched him in the round pen while she bounced and pranced. I watched him calm himself down, breathe. I watched Miss Priss begin to calm as well. For the rest of the session he continued to ride her. Every time she sped up He calmed her down. He stuck with it! He rode her until the end of the evening. When he climbed down from the saddle he was absolutely glowing. His smile stretched from ear to ear and there was no stopping it.
I don’t know if he will love riding horses for the rest of his life. I don’t know if all the kids in my art class will go on to be artists! I do know that when they try and when they feel the confidence that comes from trying and being successful they will go on to do and be whatever they put their heart and mind to being. by Erin Nester, Admissions Coordinator, Art Instructor
Tags: art, art class, artist, confidence, equine therapy, horseback riding, oxbow academy, RedCliff Ascent, residential therapy, riding, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, sexually abused, substance abuse, troubled teen, troubled teens
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Thursday, November 10th, 2011
This last mid October Saturday, while hauling in the last two loads of hay for the year with five of the Oxbow boys, we stopped in between loads with the boys to grab a doughnut at the local bakery. The boys were so excited to get the doughnuts they had earned.
Two older couples arrived at the doughnut case just before the boys. Without saying a word, I watched as the boys waited with much anticipation while the two older ladies hand-picked two full boxes of doughnuts. This process took approximately 10 minutes, which seemed like a long time – even to me!
The older couples finished selecting their doughnuts and it was now the boys’ turn. The boys eagerly picked their doughnuts and we were off to get some drinks. On the way out of the bakery area I heard the older gentleman address me as the boys stood by Brita and I.
He said, “Sir, I wanted to compliment you on how respectful your sons were while we were picking out our doughnuts.”
I said to the man, “Thank you. They need to be respectful.”
Then the man said, “You can be proud of your sons. There are not many young people that would have had that much patience with older people.”
I told the man thanks for the compliment and that I was proud of “my sons.”
What a great day to hear that compliment about our boys! Thanks to the parents for having the courage to work along side of us at Oxbow with “our sons.” Thanks to all at Oxbow for everything they do to help the boys along their journey. Tony and Brita North, Equine Directors
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, adoption, equine, experiential therapy, families, family therapy, mood disorder, oxbow academy, parents, pornography addiction, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, therapy, troubled teen, troubled teens
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, October 19th, 2011
Oxbow’s Executive Director Shawn Brooks and Clinical Director Todd Spaulding have been invited to present a seminar at the national convention of the National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs (NATSAP).
The invitation comes on the heels of a presentation called “Boys Will Be Boys?” made at local and regional NATSAP conferences.
In that presentation, Todd and Shawn taught other professionals at troubled teen programs how to identify students that may be struggling with sexual issues. They also explained, using examples from annonymous Oxbow students, how boys are able to get away with inappropriate sexual behaviors while they are in therapeutic programs treating them for other issues.
“Students will try to use humor or thinking errors to justify their behaviors,” explains Todd Spaulding. “Unless therapy professionals know what to look for, this kind of sexual acting out can be minimized or overlooked entirely.”
The national NATSAP conference is scheduled for February, 2012.
Tags: ADD, ADHD, blended families, experiential therapy, family, family therapy, mood disorders, pornography addiction, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapy, troubled teen, troubled teens, www.oxbowacademy.net
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Friday, September 9th, 2011
Shwan Brooks, Oxbow’s Executive Director, received this letter this month from the parent of one of our graduates. We gratefully share it’s contents with our blog readers. To protect this family’s privacy, their names have been ommitted or abbreviated.
Setember 7, 2011
Dear Shawn,
It’s been a month since ** graduation from Oxbow, and I promised I would share some thoughts about his nearly 18-month stay. Rather than look back, I’d like to bring you up to date on the weeks since we saw you.
** is a college reshman, living the life of an 18-year-old we once could only pray he’d become. He has made friends aplenty and gotten off to a good academic start. He says he has never been happier. Time, of course, will determine if everything remains so rosy, but each day that goes well lays a foundation for even better days ahead.
While ** missed out on the life of a “normal” high school student, he seems advanced beyond his college peers in other ways. For instance, he says he finds their fascination with alcohol and sex shallow and of little interest to him. I think the regard he developed at Oxbow for the importance of meaningful relationships is at the core of his reaction. If so, Oxbow helped prepare him for life in ways his classmates now must negotiate.
Additionally, ** seems to have gotten off to a good academic start. ** says he has a new-found interest in learning that we first saw emerge at Oxbow.
** has stayed in touch with Tony and Britta. Their friendship and support helped him through Oxbow and continue to help him now. While two weeks of college life is little more than a start, ** is off to a good start.
It’s a long way from the condition in which ** found himself when reporting to Oxbow. More than 15 months of other therapeutic schools had failed to crack the shell in which ** resided. I credit the Oxbow team, along with ** for his hard work, with the advances that occurred.
Tiffany Winder and Todd Spaulding were firm but loving in the way they performed their therapy. It would have been easy for all of us to quit the relentless grind of weekly family sessions, but Tiffany and Todd maintained a professional manner that never allowed us to lose hope. They guided ** through some of the most-challenging soul-searching any human could face.
Bill Pollack and folks like Amy Brown taught ** the importance of living successfully with others in the residential part of the program. I doubt that ** will ever encounter a college roommate with whom he cannot co-exist, based on his Oxbow experience.
Academically, ** blossomed at Oxbow. Self-learning seemed to be the key, but the staff that Rick Lee guided helped to turn our son into a true student. Given his spotty academic experience in high school, we had low expectations for a college career. Yet, ** scored in the 75th percentile in the SAT exam and was accepted to 11 universities, including the one he now attends.
Perhaps no part of Oxbow affected ** as greatly as the equine program, led by Tony and Britta. ** came to understand that horses make wonderful surrogates for people and that building a relationship with a horse can be even more challenging than connecting with a fellow human. Tony and Britta also showed a special interest in **. They made him feel loved, something he desperately needed, even though he was already loved by so many. Perhaps I will never fully understand the magic of the relationship, but it worked. For that we will be eternally grateful.
While I pray that no young man would ever need Oxbow, itʼs reassuring to know that it exists. Had it not existed, I shudder to think where our son would be today. You took him to places in his heart and soul that he might never have reached. As a result, he came to understand himself and learned to communicate those feelings to others.
We sent you a boy who was broken in spirit and you returned to us a young man who has a very real chance at success. That is all anyone can ever ask.
I hope this is helpful to you. Please feel free to share our story with others. I only ask that you do so anonymously, which I am certain you will.
Best personal regards,
J
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, adoption, equine, experientail therapy, family, family therapy, horse, mood disorder, oxbow academy, pornography addiction, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapy, troubled teens
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011
Sometimes our work can seem difficult, frustrating, and sometimes downright impossible. Then one day as we confront a student he reaches down inside himself and finds all that knowledge that we have been trying to teach him for months and it makes your heart soar. Every impossible moment is absolutely worth it. This happened to me just last week.
A student had struggled to make progress and working with him has sometimes felt a lot like beating your head on a wall. A mentor had asked him to redo a section of his chore and this young man started getting upset. At first he told the mentor to shut up and leave him alone. He was starting to spin when I walked in. I tried to calm him down and asked if he could please be reasonable and just do what the mentor had asked. I asked him to please pull himself together - it was nothing to get upset over. He then asked if I would please stop talking to him.
I figured, well, that is better than shut up so I said ok and went back to my office. A few minutes later I heard a small voice calling my name. I got up and went out. He was standing his hand on the mop, head down. He apologized for being rude to me and said he knew I was just trying to help!
Hallelujah! I realize this is a small step, but it is a positive step none the less. For this young man, I see progress in his future. Sometimes it starts small. by Erin Nestor, Admissions Coordinator
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, adoption, experiential therapy, family therapy, mood disorder, oxbow academy, pornography addiction, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, substance abuse, troubled teens
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Wednesday, July 20th, 2011
On June 29th, we had our monthly bonus activity – the one we have when none of the students have acted out. After several different activities were thrown on the table we decided on playing softball. The admissions team, mentors and students went over to Moroni to the soft ball fields. When everyone arrived at the fields we all lined up and counted off to divide into teams. It was kind of crazy at first, I think several of us forgot how to catch, throw a ball and even hit. After a couple innings everyone started getting the hang of the game. It was so much fun watching the different personalities come out in the students and even the staff. It was just a relaxing day with no pressure and no worrying about something important to get done. It was a day just to enjoy each others company and have a good laugh. We played about 9 innings then decided that we had played enough. After it was over we went back to Oxbow where Charlotte had prepared a BBQ lunch for everyone. We had hamburgers or hot dogs, salads, chips, fruit and dessert. It was YUMMY!!!! Overall, it was a very fun filled day. By Bill Pollock, Residential Director
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, adoption, Baseball, experiential therapy, family, family therapy, oxbow academy, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual dependency, sexual trauma, troubled teens
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Friday, June 24th, 2011
Yesterday on the news there was a story about family vacationing in Southern Utah. They were around a creek that, due to the high run off this year in Utah, was more like a river of fast moving water. The news report showed a water fall about 15 feet high. The water going over the falls was dark due to the runoff.
The story went on to explain that this family had lost sight of their young son. After frantically looking for him, the father jumped into the water below the falls feeling that was where his son was. He found his son and pulled his lifeless body up and on to the bank of the river. When he got his son to the shore he found two individuals, also on vacation, that happened to be experienced rescue workers. They began to apply their training and brought the boy back to life.
As I contemplated the story I was amazed at the courage and faith that young father showed jumping into that muddy water below the falls. He could not see if his son was in that brown churning water but jumped in anyway, risking his own life to do so.
Today I saw the same kind of courage while taking part in a treatment graduation phase review. I looked across the table at two parents who had lost sight of their son and knew their troubled teen was in peril. They were willing to jump in to the muddy, fast moving waters of treatment because, like the young father in Southern Utah, the thought of losing their son was not bearable. I listened as they talked about how difficult it was to leave their son in the hands of strangers. They talked about that as being the worst day of their lives. The fear was almost unbearable, but they did it. They talked about how difficult the treatment process was for them, how many times they felt so discouraged, and hopeless. Then, like that little boy on the bank of a river in Southern Utah, their son took a breath and hope came rushing back. They described watching their son make hard decisions and work through difficult issues and now, at the end of this treatment experience, they are standing with their son knowing he has earned another chance.
I can only imagine what the parents of the little boy in Southern Utah felt when their son took in his first breath and the signs of life began to show themselves. What powerful floods of emotions must have run through them in that moment! I think many of the parents I work with know how it feels to have hope return as their sons begin to battle back from addiction, self doubt, and destructive behaviors that, if left unchecked, would end their lives.
I have been blessed to work with and witness the most courageous parents as they take great risk in an effort to help their sons. To seek out strangers who are skilled and trained in applying treatment and then trust them enough to follow their guidance has been such an example of courage and strength to me. If that father would not have taken action and pulled his son from the muddy, churning water under the falls, his son would have perished there. But, like these wonderful parents I have the pleasure of working with, he took action and saved his son. Shawn Brooks, Executive Director, Oxbow Academy
Tags: adoption, courage, danger, drowning, experiential therapy, family, oxbow academy, parents, pornography addiction, rescue, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, therapists, therapy, troubled teens
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Wednesday, June 15th, 2011
When Brita led the horse out of the trailer I was astounded. I had never seen such a weak, mangy looking animal in my life. I couldn’t believe the horse was able to stand on his own. His ribs stuck out and his coat was in patches. There were scars all over his body.
“He actually looks better today,” Brita said. “We’ve spent the weekend giving him hay and grass and his belly’s a little rounder.” I wondered how a horse could possibly look worse.
Brita and Tony North are the equine directors at Oxbow Academy, a residential treatment center for teen boys who struggled with sexual abuse, sexual trauma, or sexual addictions. The Norths answered an ad for a horse that “needed a little work.” What they found was a horse that was practically starving. Born in a freezing Utah December, the horse was orphaned at four months. Since then it had been abused and neglected, pushed away from food and water by the other horses in the herd. Brita worried that if they agreed to take the animal it would die during the three hour drive back to Oxbow. Tony was skeptical the poor horse could be rehabilitated. By the time the three of them arrived back at Oxbow, the Norths had come up with a plan.
In the treatment team meeting Brita told her colleagues about the animal’s history and noted, “He’s got a lot in common with some of our boys. What we if we gave them a chance to help him recover?”
Todd Spaulding and Gregg Lott, Oxbow therapists, were immediately on board. Both had students they felt could benefit from the rehabilitation project.
And so, on a sunny summer morning, the wobbly, weak horse moves slowly toward the Oxbow corral. I am pretty sure the horse will fall over dead on the spot. Brita is slow and gentle. Every move is deliberate because, as she says, “I really don’t know what to expect from him. Everything is new to him.”
In a few minutes Gregg and Todd, along with students David and James, arrive. Todd has explained a little about the horse to the boys on the drive over. I think even they are surprised at how bad the horse looks. They begin very carefully brushing the horse. He’s never seen or felt a brush. His hide is raw in some places, scarred in others, and somewhat normal looking in still others. There are some spots he simply will not allow anyone to touch.
Brtia tries to coax him to take a few bites from a bucket filled with a special mix of vitamin enriched grain. He needs the extra nutrition to begin to heal. But the grain holds no appeal for him. He doesn’t know what it is. Instead, he’s eyeing the weeds that ring the round corral. It’s all he’s ever known.
David and James, both adopted, have decided the horse needs a name. What was his old name? It doesn’t matter, they decide. His new name will be “DJ,” in honor of both of them. He looks pretty bad, Todd notes. That doesn’t matter either, they say. He’s their horse now. They love him. Todd and Gregg begin turning the conversation to talk of the boys’ own abuse. They talk about their adoptions and how much their adoptive mothers love them. They talk about scars and healing. They talk about reaching out and taking the help that’s being offered to them – the bucket of grain in their own lives.
More than an hour later the boys are headed back to the dorms with plans of what they’ll need to do next to help DJ gain strength. I am headed to the car wondering how a beat up paint horse could have that much effect on two teenaged boys. There are no guarantees any of them will be able to overcome their pasts. But all of them are worth the try.
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, at risk teen, equine therapy, experiential therapy, family therapy, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, therapy, troubled teen, troubled teens
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Friday, March 25th, 2011
In a recent session I worked with a young man who was in denial about the sexual abuse of his sister. We talked about the language of accountability. He was heavily in denial and struggled to accept himself and give an honest account of his behavior to his parents. The following week, during a tour with a prospective family looking to place their son at Oxbow, this young man was asked to join the group and speak to the mother and grandmother of the prospective student. The only rule for the group was that in order for the young man to attend he had to answer their questions openly and honestly. After several questions to the other boys in the group the grandmother, looking at this young man said, “You look like a really nice boy. Why are you here?” There was a long pause and you could visibly see that he was thinking about his response. Time seemed to stand still and there was a tension in the room that could be felt. Eventually this young man took a deep break and responded with tears running down his face, “I’m here because I abused my sister.” You could see that this grandmother was taken back by his degree of honesty and accountability to a total stranger. The grandma responded by saying, “Thank you for being honest. It seems like you are in the right place to get the help you need.” As I sat there and reflected upon what had just happened I noticed that the tension was gone from the room and this young man appeared to stand a little taller and looked as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. From then on this young man has not struggled to be accountable for his actions and has begun to make great progress clinically. - Todd
Todd Spaulding is the Clinical Director for Oxbow Academy. You can contact him at todds@oxbowacademy.net
Tags: family therapy, oxbow academy, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, troubled teens
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
