Posts Tagged ‘troubled teen’
Saturday, January 14th, 2012
A few months ago I was involved in a therapeutic intervention with a 15 yr old young man who was stalled out in his treatment. He had decided to resist all efforts to re-engage the therapeutic process and take personal accountability for the state of his relationship with his parents. It appeared that he was satisfied with the distress he was causing his parents and seemed willing to continue in his present course.
The treatment team discussed his case at length and determined that the battle between this young man and his parents was a very common one with adolescents who are placed in treatment. At the core of this issue is the desire for the young man to keep his relationship with his parents in a holding pattern. H wanted to keep himself and his needs as a priority. He saw his parent’s responsibility as meeting those needs. As long as the parent child relationship continued to support this holding pattern, the young man will reward his parents with a degree of positive behavior. The variable in this toxic relationship, however, is the fact that the young man’s needs seem to be fairly fluid in nature. What satisfies him one day does not the next and he had become very adept at keeping his parents hopping from one unfulfilled need to another by an array of temper tantrum techniques. What we were seeing in treatment was just more of the same.
But something happened that this young man did not calculate. His parents decided that they no longer would support the static relationship they had been in for the last 15 years. The words they spoke to their son were well thought out and did not come packaged in bubble wrap. They went like this, “We are no longer going to support the lack of progress in our relationship. As of today, we are walking away from the table and you have some choices to make. We will support your basic needs but will no longer support your lack of progress with our attention. The only contact we will have with you will be through your therapist. We hope that one day you will choose us and accept your responsibility to an evolving relationship with us”. Then the click of the phone being hung up echoed in the room.
The young man was taken back, but the past years’ had a history of similar events. He had seen this before, so he thought. It was around day 30 where the young man’s countenance changed. He began to ask the question, “Could this be for real? Could my parents really get along without taking care of all my needs? Is it possible that I am not the center of my parents universe?” That was the turning point.
This once very entitled young man began to see how much he needed a relationship with his parents. Not just to take care of the things he lacked the skill, experience, and influence to manage, but emotionally he started to see his relationship with his parents in a new light. It took a while for him to manage the pain and regret that settled in on him. He was now in a very vulnerable position and at this point started to ask the right questions. “What do I need to do to fix my relationship with my parents?” His therapist had to take a moment to compose himself before returning the same question. “What do you think you need to do to fix the relationship with your parents?”
The months that followed were filled with tears, frustration, regret, forgiveness, but above all, honesty. This young man had made some very serious, relationship wrecking, choices that would take time to fix. But he had gained understanding that keeping his relationship with his parents in a holding pattern was no longer acceptable. He knew he was responsible for meeting them where they were and accepting them as his parents, not as his subordinates or even as his equal.
This story has a positive ending. The young man earned access to his parents and did the work necessary to play a participating role in their evolving relationship. Mom and Dad took the role of King and Queen of the family kingdom and Son accepted his role as the Prince with loads of potential. The courage it took for those parents to save their son was amazing but they did it and now their son, who they love beyond measure, has a chance. by Shawn Brooks, Executive Director, Oxbow Academy
Tags: ADHD, fairy tale, family, family therapy, oxbow academy, parenting, parents, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapist, troubled teen, troubled teens
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Monday, January 9th, 2012
Confidence n. 1. trust, reliance 2 belief in one’s own abilities 3 an invisible force
I teach art here at Oxbow Academy. My goal is to get our boys to try something new and different. I’m always hearing the same excuse: “I can’t draw!” Well, isn’t that why you take a drawing class? To learn how to draw? I have seen so many amazed faces when students are able to execute their ideas on paper.
Recently one of our grads wrote: “I just want to say Mrs. Erin ever since your art classes I’ve been exploring and doing a lot of freehand stuff. I’m getting pretty good 
lol Thanks for the classes. They sparked an interest for me that i didn’t know I had.”
Maybe it is an interest. Maybe it is confidence. Maybe it’s the “permission” to try something new. Whatever it is, it is powerful beyond words. It is also a beginning. Our students may not realize it at the time but just trying something that they thought they couldn’t do empowers them to do more!
This week I saw a young man make enormous strides therapeutically. This is a young man who has struggled and struggled to keep his head above water. It started with small successes, trying new things. Art was just one of them. During equine therapy this week I watched him take out one of the Arabian horses. Her name is Miss Priss and she is feisty! He wanted to ride her so bad. He wanted her to be “his” horse.
I watched him in the round pen while she bounced and pranced. I watched him calm himself down, breathe. I watched Miss Priss begin to calm as well. For the rest of the session he continued to ride her. Every time she sped up He calmed her down. He stuck with it! He rode her until the end of the evening. When he climbed down from the saddle he was absolutely glowing. His smile stretched from ear to ear and there was no stopping it.
I don’t know if he will love riding horses for the rest of his life. I don’t know if all the kids in my art class will go on to be artists! I do know that when they try and when they feel the confidence that comes from trying and being successful they will go on to do and be whatever they put their heart and mind to being. by Erin Nester, Admissions Coordinator, Art Instructor
Tags: art, art class, artist, confidence, equine therapy, horseback riding, oxbow academy, RedCliff Ascent, residential therapy, riding, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, sexually abused, substance abuse, troubled teen, troubled teens
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Tuesday, November 29th, 2011
The holiday season brings about many struggles for parents of Oxbow students. Reality hits home as some parents realize that their sons are not in the place, therapeutically speaking, that would allow them to go home to be with their families over Christmas.
This has been a struggle for one of the families with whom I work. Several conversations have taken place recently that entailed progress updates as well as estimations on when their son could have his first home pass.
As students progress through the program at Oxbow there is a lot of emotional work required of them prior to their first home pass. This being said, there is no way to discern an exact time in which a student will be emotionally ready for this step forward. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes dealing with the reality of the situation, although that reality may exclude families from being together on some important holidays and in taking part in family traditions. This news comes as hard news to some parents, as well as to their sons.
Some families choose to make new memories with their sons during this time. The family mentioned previously decided that they would come to Utah to be with their son for Thanksgiving. They chose to use this time to build trust with their son, altering their family tradition of togetherness to mean something new and beautiful for their family as they work toward healing damaged relationships.
This year they are thankful for different things than they have been in the past. This family is thankful for the progress that their son is making towards healing damaged relationships, and all that means. They are thankful for the little things, such as their son’s ‘willingness to look them in the eye’ when speaking with them and for the feeling of truthfulness that they get from him. They are thankful for the good experiences that they are able to have with their son, now that he has increased the honesty in his relationships. They are grateful that they are able to see their son ‘grow to become a man’.
As these parents tried to express their thankfulness for this process, they said that no words can truly describe how grateful they are at this time for all that Oxbow offers their family in helping their son make these life changes. Although this Thanksgiving was anything but their tradition, they found themselves thankful. by Rachelle Gallup, CSW
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, adoption, experiential therapy, families, family, family therapy, pornography addiction, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, substance abuse, thanksgiving, troubled teen, www.oxbowacademy.net
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Thursday, November 10th, 2011
This last mid October Saturday, while hauling in the last two loads of hay for the year with five of the Oxbow boys, we stopped in between loads with the boys to grab a doughnut at the local bakery. The boys were so excited to get the doughnuts they had earned.
Two older couples arrived at the doughnut case just before the boys. Without saying a word, I watched as the boys waited with much anticipation while the two older ladies hand-picked two full boxes of doughnuts. This process took approximately 10 minutes, which seemed like a long time – even to me!
The older couples finished selecting their doughnuts and it was now the boys’ turn. The boys eagerly picked their doughnuts and we were off to get some drinks. On the way out of the bakery area I heard the older gentleman address me as the boys stood by Brita and I.
He said, “Sir, I wanted to compliment you on how respectful your sons were while we were picking out our doughnuts.”
I said to the man, “Thank you. They need to be respectful.”
Then the man said, “You can be proud of your sons. There are not many young people that would have had that much patience with older people.”
I told the man thanks for the compliment and that I was proud of “my sons.”
What a great day to hear that compliment about our boys! Thanks to the parents for having the courage to work along side of us at Oxbow with “our sons.” Thanks to all at Oxbow for everything they do to help the boys along their journey. Tony and Brita North, Equine Directors
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, adoption, equine, experiential therapy, families, family therapy, mood disorder, oxbow academy, parents, pornography addiction, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, therapy, troubled teen, troubled teens
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Wednesday, October 19th, 2011
Oxbow’s Executive Director Shawn Brooks and Clinical Director Todd Spaulding have been invited to present a seminar at the national convention of the National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs (NATSAP).
The invitation comes on the heels of a presentation called “Boys Will Be Boys?” made at local and regional NATSAP conferences.
In that presentation, Todd and Shawn taught other professionals at troubled teen programs how to identify students that may be struggling with sexual issues. They also explained, using examples from annonymous Oxbow students, how boys are able to get away with inappropriate sexual behaviors while they are in therapeutic programs treating them for other issues.
“Students will try to use humor or thinking errors to justify their behaviors,” explains Todd Spaulding. “Unless therapy professionals know what to look for, this kind of sexual acting out can be minimized or overlooked entirely.”
The national NATSAP conference is scheduled for February, 2012.
Tags: ADD, ADHD, blended families, experiential therapy, family, family therapy, mood disorders, pornography addiction, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapy, troubled teen, troubled teens, www.oxbowacademy.net
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Tuesday, October 4th, 2011
For the past several months Oxbow staff has been working with a young man on completing his full disclosure. He was initially highly resistant to disclose, although had dabbled in it. As the items on his disclosure were altered by the week, it was clear that he was not being fully accountable for his sexual behaviors with those on whom he had perpetrated. He initially tried to convince us that he was ready to take and to pass his polygraph exam. After failing, having used countermeasures, he returned to campus admitting that he had not been honest. Both the Oxbow staff and his parents felt that he must have been holding onto something very important to him- and his parents and I had a good guess as to what that may be.
The next two months were spent processing and adding pressure from his therapist, parents and peers in hopes that he would take full accountability for his sexual behaviors. He literally sat on Structure, putting minimal effort into his therapy for weeks. His peers lost trust in him and they no longer allowed him to speak in group therapy session. His parents made frequent trips to Utah to visit with and encourage him to come clean. We finally severed phone calls with his parents until he agreed to come clean and to pass his polygraph. We went through all of the disclosure prompts and questions again, pushing for additional information, but one area always met with resistance. That is until one day, in an emotional session this teen began to let me in. He shared with me his feelings of being a “monster” when he perpetrates, especially with regards to one of his victims, which was someone he truly cared about. We discussed this “monster” in depth, and later that week he came clean on his second polygraph.
If it had not been for the pressure that was placed on this young man by Oxbow staff and his parents, I believe that he would have continued to hold onto the secrets he held regarding his deviant sexual behaviors. I cannot stress enough how courageous this young man’s parents were for trusting the Oxbow staff in implementing the pressure that was necessary for this young man to come clean. It took time and a considerable amount of pressure to break through this barrier. It is my belief that the trust that these parents displayed during this crucial time is what is often required of the parents involved in the Oxbow Program. These parents are courageous, trusting and willing to implement new parenting strategies in order to help their sons. Parents’ willingness to change and to set and maintain clear boundaries play a very important role in their son’s success, not only while at Oxbow Academy, but for the duration of their lives. - Rachelle Gallup, Therapist
Tags: families, family, family therapy, parenting, parents, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, troubled teen
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Wednesday, August 31st, 2011
My day started at 5:30 this morning. We were scheduled for a video shoot at 8 a.m. at Oxbow’s East Campus equine facility. This was to be part three of a series of videos introducing DJ – the abandoned horse Tony and Brita and two of the Oxbow students were rehabilitating. Near death when they rescued him, we’d been filming the horse’s progress and talking to the boys about their own journey toward healing. I thought I was prepared for what I was about to see. Nothing could have been farther from the truth.
The change in DJ was astonishing. His body was filling out nicely from a diet of protein enriched grain and hay. He’d gained enough strength for his hoofs to be trimmed. His sunburned nose had healed and his coat, once patchy and virtually non-existent, was shiny in the morning light.
That, however, wasn’t the most surprising part of the day. D and J, the two boys responsible for DJ, looked equally as changed. As D explained how the horse’s scars were now almost invisible thanks to the nourishment he was receiving, I couldn’t keep my eyes off the animated young man’s face. Two months ago he had barely two words to say. He seldom made eye contact and spoke softly. Now his soft drawl was quiet, but confident. He handled the horse with ease and the horse responded to D’s petting like a puppy, nudging the boy when he stopped and putting his trusting head on D’s shoulder.
D is going home tomorrow. He’s finished the therapeutic journey he began at Oxbow months ago. And he is a changed young man. In so many ways. As he hugged the horse goodby, and handed J the training rope, I wondered what part of his experience he’d remember most.
“I’m grateful,” he said. I thought there was a catch in his voice. “For these people. This place. For my parents and what they did for me in allowing me to come here. I never realized before they would do anything to help me get better.”
He handed off the rope and headed to the car and a new life. I’m headed to the video edit bay, hoping I can do justice to the story of the rescued boy who has become a strong young man. – By Jennifer Jones, Oxbow Media Specialist
Check the Videos page on Oxbow’s website starting Sept. 15 for updates on the story of DJ.
Tags: abandonment, ADD, ADHD, adoption, animal rescue, family, family therapy, horses, oxbow academy, RedCliff Ascent, rescue, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, struggling teen, troubled teen
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Wednesday, June 22nd, 2011
Here are some of the comments from a resent Parent Seminar that I wanted to share regarding Oxbow Academics:
“Just wanted you to know that the time we spent with Jacob’s teachers was all we needed. They were nothing short of fantastic! I felt like we covered miles in a matter in minutes. I just wish we had teachers like them in Maryland!!!”
Another one came from a father of one of our students:
” When our son came to Oxbow I would never have thought that he would finish high school, let alone be graduating high school. Now he is applying to go to colleges. You have accomplished something that no other school has been able to do.”
This troubled teen actually applied to ten colleges including Clemson and was accepted to them all.
Rick Lee, Academic Director
Oxbow Academy
Tags: academic, ADD, ADHD, college, family therapy, mood disorder, oxbow academy, RedCliff Ascent, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapy, troubled teen, university
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Wednesday, June 15th, 2011
When Brita led the horse out of the trailer I was astounded. I had never seen such a weak, mangy looking animal in my life. I couldn’t believe the horse was able to stand on his own. His ribs stuck out and his coat was in patches. There were scars all over his body.
“He actually looks better today,” Brita said. “We’ve spent the weekend giving him hay and grass and his belly’s a little rounder.” I wondered how a horse could possibly look worse.
Brita and Tony North are the equine directors at Oxbow Academy, a residential treatment center for teen boys who struggled with sexual abuse, sexual trauma, or sexual addictions. The Norths answered an ad for a horse that “needed a little work.” What they found was a horse that was practically starving. Born in a freezing Utah December, the horse was orphaned at four months. Since then it had been abused and neglected, pushed away from food and water by the other horses in the herd. Brita worried that if they agreed to take the animal it would die during the three hour drive back to Oxbow. Tony was skeptical the poor horse could be rehabilitated. By the time the three of them arrived back at Oxbow, the Norths had come up with a plan.
In the treatment team meeting Brita told her colleagues about the animal’s history and noted, “He’s got a lot in common with some of our boys. What we if we gave them a chance to help him recover?”
Todd Spaulding and Gregg Lott, Oxbow therapists, were immediately on board. Both had students they felt could benefit from the rehabilitation project.
And so, on a sunny summer morning, the wobbly, weak horse moves slowly toward the Oxbow corral. I am pretty sure the horse will fall over dead on the spot. Brita is slow and gentle. Every move is deliberate because, as she says, “I really don’t know what to expect from him. Everything is new to him.”
In a few minutes Gregg and Todd, along with students David and James, arrive. Todd has explained a little about the horse to the boys on the drive over. I think even they are surprised at how bad the horse looks. They begin very carefully brushing the horse. He’s never seen or felt a brush. His hide is raw in some places, scarred in others, and somewhat normal looking in still others. There are some spots he simply will not allow anyone to touch.
Brtia tries to coax him to take a few bites from a bucket filled with a special mix of vitamin enriched grain. He needs the extra nutrition to begin to heal. But the grain holds no appeal for him. He doesn’t know what it is. Instead, he’s eyeing the weeds that ring the round corral. It’s all he’s ever known.
David and James, both adopted, have decided the horse needs a name. What was his old name? It doesn’t matter, they decide. His new name will be “DJ,” in honor of both of them. He looks pretty bad, Todd notes. That doesn’t matter either, they say. He’s their horse now. They love him. Todd and Gregg begin turning the conversation to talk of the boys’ own abuse. They talk about their adoptions and how much their adoptive mothers love them. They talk about scars and healing. They talk about reaching out and taking the help that’s being offered to them – the bucket of grain in their own lives.
More than an hour later the boys are headed back to the dorms with plans of what they’ll need to do next to help DJ gain strength. I am headed to the car wondering how a beat up paint horse could have that much effect on two teenaged boys. There are no guarantees any of them will be able to overcome their pasts. But all of them are worth the try.
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, at risk teen, equine therapy, experiential therapy, family therapy, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, therapy, troubled teen, troubled teens
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Friday, April 1st, 2011
The mother of one of our wonderful graduates sent this message today:
Hello,
I just finished looking over some blogs on the website..It brings tears to my eyes to see the stories becasue they hit me so close in the heart. I felt some things on my heart that I just wanted to share. It has been 3 years since * was sent to wilderness and our lives were turned upside down for a bit longer. I think about these days often. Not sure why I just do. Today he turned 20 and it breaks my heart that my baby is no longer a teen but a true age adult. I thank GOD each and every day for the path we took 3 years ago, because I have my son here today to celebrate his 20th birthday…His extended family in wilderness and Oxbow celebrated several bdays with him and I think that made each of us a bit stronger.
I read the stories of the parents/grandparents and I just want them to know that they are making the most important decision in their life for the time being to help their son/grandson and it is okay…It is okay to be scared, worried, unsure, happy (which does come) sad, hurt, mad, lost..all these feelings are normal and natural. For God NEVER gives us anythng we can’t handle BUT HE does help us through them as long as we let him. And that is where James and I found the courage and strength to get us through those days of treatment.
* is home now, he has decided to move back to *. I am sure he will be visiting you when he comes back the 18th to pack up..But I just want you to know that we could never thank you enough for all you have done and continue to do in our lives and *’s.
Please know that we are here to help any parent that needs to talk..I may not always have the right words but sometimes it is hard to get my thoughts out. I treasure our friendship as well as the other friendships we developed with the Oxbow family. You guys mean the world to us…
Thanks again for all you have done for us and for what you do each and every day…I hope to be able to attend a seminar sometime in the future.
Talk to ya soon
Karla
Tags: ADD, ADHD, experiential therapy, mood disorder, oxbow academy, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, teen help, troubled teen
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