Posts Tagged ‘substance abuse’
Monday, January 23rd, 2012
On a recent trip to California I was visiting with the family of a recent Oxbow graduate at his home. While we were talking his parents had a meaningful realization. They were talking about how they were so fearful, anxious, angry, and distraught the day that they brought their son to Oxbow. They talked about the devastation that they felt when the sexual issues were discovered and the trauma that they endured before they found the help of Oxbow.
In the next sentence parents reflected how they were in such a different place today. Today there were still challenges but these challenges were “dreadfully normal.” They talked about transporting kids to school, coordinating therapy appointments, helping with homework, their jobs, advocating to help their sons receive the school services they needed, but there was no mention of the pain, guilt, and shame that had plagued the family less than two years ago. Gone was the pain, anger, and shame and what they discovered as they sat in their home was hope that their son can have the future that they as parents dreamed he would have. As we said our goodbyes and gave the family a hug I asked the parents to take care of our son. I seemed to walk a little lighter knowing that we at Oxbow had played a small part in returning this boy to his parents and restoring their hopes and dreams that years before they had felt were lost. by Todd Spaulding, Clinical Director, Oxbow Academy
Tags: ADD, ADHD, anger, families, family, family therapy, guilt, oxbow academy, parenting, parents, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, shame, substance abuse, therapist, therapy
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Saturday, January 14th, 2012
A few months ago I was involved in a therapeutic intervention with a 15 yr old young man who was stalled out in his treatment. He had decided to resist all efforts to re-engage the therapeutic process and take personal accountability for the state of his relationship with his parents. It appeared that he was satisfied with the distress he was causing his parents and seemed willing to continue in his present course.
The treatment team discussed his case at length and determined that the battle between this young man and his parents was a very common one with adolescents who are placed in treatment. At the core of this issue is the desire for the young man to keep his relationship with his parents in a holding pattern. H wanted to keep himself and his needs as a priority. He saw his parent’s responsibility as meeting those needs. As long as the parent child relationship continued to support this holding pattern, the young man will reward his parents with a degree of positive behavior. The variable in this toxic relationship, however, is the fact that the young man’s needs seem to be fairly fluid in nature. What satisfies him one day does not the next and he had become very adept at keeping his parents hopping from one unfulfilled need to another by an array of temper tantrum techniques. What we were seeing in treatment was just more of the same.
But something happened that this young man did not calculate. His parents decided that they no longer would support the static relationship they had been in for the last 15 years. The words they spoke to their son were well thought out and did not come packaged in bubble wrap. They went like this, “We are no longer going to support the lack of progress in our relationship. As of today, we are walking away from the table and you have some choices to make. We will support your basic needs but will no longer support your lack of progress with our attention. The only contact we will have with you will be through your therapist. We hope that one day you will choose us and accept your responsibility to an evolving relationship with us”. Then the click of the phone being hung up echoed in the room.
The young man was taken back, but the past years’ had a history of similar events. He had seen this before, so he thought. It was around day 30 where the young man’s countenance changed. He began to ask the question, “Could this be for real? Could my parents really get along without taking care of all my needs? Is it possible that I am not the center of my parents universe?” That was the turning point.
This once very entitled young man began to see how much he needed a relationship with his parents. Not just to take care of the things he lacked the skill, experience, and influence to manage, but emotionally he started to see his relationship with his parents in a new light. It took a while for him to manage the pain and regret that settled in on him. He was now in a very vulnerable position and at this point started to ask the right questions. “What do I need to do to fix my relationship with my parents?” His therapist had to take a moment to compose himself before returning the same question. “What do you think you need to do to fix the relationship with your parents?”
The months that followed were filled with tears, frustration, regret, forgiveness, but above all, honesty. This young man had made some very serious, relationship wrecking, choices that would take time to fix. But he had gained understanding that keeping his relationship with his parents in a holding pattern was no longer acceptable. He knew he was responsible for meeting them where they were and accepting them as his parents, not as his subordinates or even as his equal.
This story has a positive ending. The young man earned access to his parents and did the work necessary to play a participating role in their evolving relationship. Mom and Dad took the role of King and Queen of the family kingdom and Son accepted his role as the Prince with loads of potential. The courage it took for those parents to save their son was amazing but they did it and now their son, who they love beyond measure, has a chance. by Shawn Brooks, Executive Director, Oxbow Academy
Tags: ADHD, fairy tale, family, family therapy, oxbow academy, parenting, parents, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapist, troubled teen, troubled teens
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Monday, January 9th, 2012
Confidence n. 1. trust, reliance 2 belief in one’s own abilities 3 an invisible force
I teach art here at Oxbow Academy. My goal is to get our boys to try something new and different. I’m always hearing the same excuse: “I can’t draw!” Well, isn’t that why you take a drawing class? To learn how to draw? I have seen so many amazed faces when students are able to execute their ideas on paper.
Recently one of our grads wrote: “I just want to say Mrs. Erin ever since your art classes I’ve been exploring and doing a lot of freehand stuff. I’m getting pretty good 
lol Thanks for the classes. They sparked an interest for me that i didn’t know I had.”
Maybe it is an interest. Maybe it is confidence. Maybe it’s the “permission” to try something new. Whatever it is, it is powerful beyond words. It is also a beginning. Our students may not realize it at the time but just trying something that they thought they couldn’t do empowers them to do more!
This week I saw a young man make enormous strides therapeutically. This is a young man who has struggled and struggled to keep his head above water. It started with small successes, trying new things. Art was just one of them. During equine therapy this week I watched him take out one of the Arabian horses. Her name is Miss Priss and she is feisty! He wanted to ride her so bad. He wanted her to be “his” horse.
I watched him in the round pen while she bounced and pranced. I watched him calm himself down, breathe. I watched Miss Priss begin to calm as well. For the rest of the session he continued to ride her. Every time she sped up He calmed her down. He stuck with it! He rode her until the end of the evening. When he climbed down from the saddle he was absolutely glowing. His smile stretched from ear to ear and there was no stopping it.
I don’t know if he will love riding horses for the rest of his life. I don’t know if all the kids in my art class will go on to be artists! I do know that when they try and when they feel the confidence that comes from trying and being successful they will go on to do and be whatever they put their heart and mind to being. by Erin Nester, Admissions Coordinator, Art Instructor
Tags: art, art class, artist, confidence, equine therapy, horseback riding, oxbow academy, RedCliff Ascent, residential therapy, riding, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, sexually abused, substance abuse, troubled teen, troubled teens
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Tuesday, November 29th, 2011
The holiday season brings about many struggles for parents of Oxbow students. Reality hits home as some parents realize that their sons are not in the place, therapeutically speaking, that would allow them to go home to be with their families over Christmas.
This has been a struggle for one of the families with whom I work. Several conversations have taken place recently that entailed progress updates as well as estimations on when their son could have his first home pass.
As students progress through the program at Oxbow there is a lot of emotional work required of them prior to their first home pass. This being said, there is no way to discern an exact time in which a student will be emotionally ready for this step forward. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes dealing with the reality of the situation, although that reality may exclude families from being together on some important holidays and in taking part in family traditions. This news comes as hard news to some parents, as well as to their sons.
Some families choose to make new memories with their sons during this time. The family mentioned previously decided that they would come to Utah to be with their son for Thanksgiving. They chose to use this time to build trust with their son, altering their family tradition of togetherness to mean something new and beautiful for their family as they work toward healing damaged relationships.
This year they are thankful for different things than they have been in the past. This family is thankful for the progress that their son is making towards healing damaged relationships, and all that means. They are thankful for the little things, such as their son’s ‘willingness to look them in the eye’ when speaking with them and for the feeling of truthfulness that they get from him. They are thankful for the good experiences that they are able to have with their son, now that he has increased the honesty in his relationships. They are grateful that they are able to see their son ‘grow to become a man’.
As these parents tried to express their thankfulness for this process, they said that no words can truly describe how grateful they are at this time for all that Oxbow offers their family in helping their son make these life changes. Although this Thanksgiving was anything but their tradition, they found themselves thankful. by Rachelle Gallup, CSW
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, adoption, experiential therapy, families, family, family therapy, pornography addiction, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, substance abuse, thanksgiving, troubled teen, www.oxbowacademy.net
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Wednesday, October 19th, 2011
Oxbow’s Executive Director Shawn Brooks and Clinical Director Todd Spaulding have been invited to present a seminar at the national convention of the National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs (NATSAP).
The invitation comes on the heels of a presentation called “Boys Will Be Boys?” made at local and regional NATSAP conferences.
In that presentation, Todd and Shawn taught other professionals at troubled teen programs how to identify students that may be struggling with sexual issues. They also explained, using examples from annonymous Oxbow students, how boys are able to get away with inappropriate sexual behaviors while they are in therapeutic programs treating them for other issues.
“Students will try to use humor or thinking errors to justify their behaviors,” explains Todd Spaulding. “Unless therapy professionals know what to look for, this kind of sexual acting out can be minimized or overlooked entirely.”
The national NATSAP conference is scheduled for February, 2012.
Tags: ADD, ADHD, blended families, experiential therapy, family, family therapy, mood disorders, pornography addiction, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapy, troubled teen, troubled teens, www.oxbowacademy.net
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Friday, September 9th, 2011
Shwan Brooks, Oxbow’s Executive Director, received this letter this month from the parent of one of our graduates. We gratefully share it’s contents with our blog readers. To protect this family’s privacy, their names have been ommitted or abbreviated.
Setember 7, 2011
Dear Shawn,
It’s been a month since ** graduation from Oxbow, and I promised I would share some thoughts about his nearly 18-month stay. Rather than look back, I’d like to bring you up to date on the weeks since we saw you.
** is a college reshman, living the life of an 18-year-old we once could only pray he’d become. He has made friends aplenty and gotten off to a good academic start. He says he has never been happier. Time, of course, will determine if everything remains so rosy, but each day that goes well lays a foundation for even better days ahead.
While ** missed out on the life of a “normal” high school student, he seems advanced beyond his college peers in other ways. For instance, he says he finds their fascination with alcohol and sex shallow and of little interest to him. I think the regard he developed at Oxbow for the importance of meaningful relationships is at the core of his reaction. If so, Oxbow helped prepare him for life in ways his classmates now must negotiate.
Additionally, ** seems to have gotten off to a good academic start. ** says he has a new-found interest in learning that we first saw emerge at Oxbow.
** has stayed in touch with Tony and Britta. Their friendship and support helped him through Oxbow and continue to help him now. While two weeks of college life is little more than a start, ** is off to a good start.
It’s a long way from the condition in which ** found himself when reporting to Oxbow. More than 15 months of other therapeutic schools had failed to crack the shell in which ** resided. I credit the Oxbow team, along with ** for his hard work, with the advances that occurred.
Tiffany Winder and Todd Spaulding were firm but loving in the way they performed their therapy. It would have been easy for all of us to quit the relentless grind of weekly family sessions, but Tiffany and Todd maintained a professional manner that never allowed us to lose hope. They guided ** through some of the most-challenging soul-searching any human could face.
Bill Pollack and folks like Amy Brown taught ** the importance of living successfully with others in the residential part of the program. I doubt that ** will ever encounter a college roommate with whom he cannot co-exist, based on his Oxbow experience.
Academically, ** blossomed at Oxbow. Self-learning seemed to be the key, but the staff that Rick Lee guided helped to turn our son into a true student. Given his spotty academic experience in high school, we had low expectations for a college career. Yet, ** scored in the 75th percentile in the SAT exam and was accepted to 11 universities, including the one he now attends.
Perhaps no part of Oxbow affected ** as greatly as the equine program, led by Tony and Britta. ** came to understand that horses make wonderful surrogates for people and that building a relationship with a horse can be even more challenging than connecting with a fellow human. Tony and Britta also showed a special interest in **. They made him feel loved, something he desperately needed, even though he was already loved by so many. Perhaps I will never fully understand the magic of the relationship, but it worked. For that we will be eternally grateful.
While I pray that no young man would ever need Oxbow, itʼs reassuring to know that it exists. Had it not existed, I shudder to think where our son would be today. You took him to places in his heart and soul that he might never have reached. As a result, he came to understand himself and learned to communicate those feelings to others.
We sent you a boy who was broken in spirit and you returned to us a young man who has a very real chance at success. That is all anyone can ever ask.
I hope this is helpful to you. Please feel free to share our story with others. I only ask that you do so anonymously, which I am certain you will.
Best personal regards,
J
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, adoption, equine, experientail therapy, family, family therapy, horse, mood disorder, oxbow academy, pornography addiction, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapy, troubled teens
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Thursday, August 18th, 2011
Today was a day that makes all the stressful and frustrating days at work worth it. Today one of my clients successfully transitioned from our program. He had been here for just over a year. When I first met with him, he had little hope and displayed hardly any emotion. He seemed jaded from the things he had not only seen via pornography, but also due to the things he had done and experienced. He saw little to no hope for his future, and saw himself as almost a monster for the things he had done. He was alienated from his family, and his parents were at the end of their rope with him. He had been to a number of other programs, all who had passed him off to the next. Now he was turning 18 in less than a year, and Oxbow was his last hope.
Today this same boy sat in the same room with a number of staff, peers, therapist and others who had helped him on his journey here at Oxbow. Most importantly his parents were there. This same boy who showed little to no emotion sat there crying as he thanked everyone in that room for believing in him and helping him. He thanked his parents for always being there for him. He thanked me for holding him accountable. He thanked his equine leaders for being a second family to him. He finally had hope, he finally had a future and he finally believed in himself.
The thing that touched me the most was his parents. His father gave me a number of hugs thanking me. He said in his son’s phase review “I finally have my son back.” His mother, who I have never seen cry, hugged me good bye with tears in her eyes and thanked me for everything. Interestingly while his parent’s were thanking me, the truth of the matter is that their son wouldn’t be where he is today without having them as parents. Even when I asked them to do difficult things, even when they weren’t thrilled or on board at first, they were always willing to be supportive and work through things. They were willing to do the their own part of family therapy, and not just expect their son to do all the work.
Their son is now on his way to a prestigious college, with a career goal in mind, determination and hope. Even though he is nervous and anxious he understands that he has the tools he needs to be successful in life. He realizes he can actually have a healthy relationship with others, and find true joy in life that is more real than anything he can find on the Internet. His journey here at Oxbow is not ending, rather he is just transitioning on to the rest of his life- He finally has a second chance at his life. By Tiffany Winder, Therapist
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Tags: ADD, ADHD, family, family therapy, mood disorder, oxbow academy, pornography addiction, RedCliff Ascent, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual trauma, substance abuse
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Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011
Sometimes our work can seem difficult, frustrating, and sometimes downright impossible. Then one day as we confront a student he reaches down inside himself and finds all that knowledge that we have been trying to teach him for months and it makes your heart soar. Every impossible moment is absolutely worth it. This happened to me just last week.
A student had struggled to make progress and working with him has sometimes felt a lot like beating your head on a wall. A mentor had asked him to redo a section of his chore and this young man started getting upset. At first he told the mentor to shut up and leave him alone. He was starting to spin when I walked in. I tried to calm him down and asked if he could please be reasonable and just do what the mentor had asked. I asked him to please pull himself together - it was nothing to get upset over. He then asked if I would please stop talking to him.
I figured, well, that is better than shut up so I said ok and went back to my office. A few minutes later I heard a small voice calling my name. I got up and went out. He was standing his hand on the mop, head down. He apologized for being rude to me and said he knew I was just trying to help!
Hallelujah! I realize this is a small step, but it is a positive step none the less. For this young man, I see progress in his future. Sometimes it starts small. by Erin Nestor, Admissions Coordinator
Tags: abuse, ADD, ADHD, adoption, experiential therapy, family therapy, mood disorder, oxbow academy, pornography addiction, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, substance abuse, troubled teens
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Wednesday, June 22nd, 2011
Here are some of the comments from a resent Parent Seminar that I wanted to share regarding Oxbow Academics:
“Just wanted you to know that the time we spent with Jacob’s teachers was all we needed. They were nothing short of fantastic! I felt like we covered miles in a matter in minutes. I just wish we had teachers like them in Maryland!!!”
Another one came from a father of one of our students:
” When our son came to Oxbow I would never have thought that he would finish high school, let alone be graduating high school. Now he is applying to go to colleges. You have accomplished something that no other school has been able to do.”
This troubled teen actually applied to ten colleges including Clemson and was accepted to them all.
Rick Lee, Academic Director
Oxbow Academy
Tags: academic, ADD, ADHD, college, family therapy, mood disorder, oxbow academy, RedCliff Ascent, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapy, troubled teen, university
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Tuesday, March 1st, 2011
You could hear the anguish in her voice. “We want hope for our son,” the woman said. “We just feel so frustrated with everything we have tried before.” Her son is acting out sexually in a way that has ostracized him from his community and made his parents his jailers. Other programs, ones that promised they could address his issues, have not been successful.
On this day she is part of a conference call between an educational consultant and Clinical Director Todd Spaulding. Despair fills her voice and the room. “This is not our first time or our second time or even our sixth time talking to someone who says they can help,” she says. She continues, “I’m coming from a place where I don’t understand.” Her voice rises and catches, “What have I done? How did I mess this up?”
The consultant assures her it is not a matter of “messing up.” He adds, “Oxbow is the best opportunity your boy has ever had in his life to talk without shame and guilt.”
Todd asks for more information about her boy – his age, specific sexual activities he is engaging in, other, seemingly unrelated behaviors. He explains Oxbow’s 90-day evaluation process. He talks about the school’s sex-specific culture. All Oxbow students have one thing in common, he says: sexual trauma, sexual abuse, or sexual addiction.
She is skeptical and worried. What if being with “those kind” of boys makes her son act out more?
“Come and meet them,” Todd invites. He says, simply, “They’re great boys.” She is silent for awhile, perhaps thinking about her own son. She will come and see for herself.
Tags: family, residential treatment center, sexual abuse, sexual addition, sexual trauma, substance abuse, therapy, troubled teen
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