Posts Tagged ‘adoption’

A Season of Thanksgiving for Parents of Troubled Teen

Tuesday, November 29th, 2011

The holiday season brings about many struggles for parents of Oxbow students. Reality hits home as some parents realize that their sons are not in the place, therapeutically speaking, that would allow them to go home to be with their families over Christmas. 

This has been a struggle for one of the families with whom I work.  Several conversations have taken place recently that entailed progress updates as well as estimations on when their son could have his first home pass. 

As students progress through the program at Oxbow there is a lot of emotional work required of them prior to their first home pass.  This being said, there is no way to discern an exact time in which a student will be emotionally ready for this step forward.  It takes time.  It takes patience.  It takes dealing with the reality of the situation, although that reality may exclude families from being together on some important holidays and in taking part in family traditions.  This news comes as hard news to some parents, as well as to their sons.  

Some families choose to make new memories with their sons during this time.  The family mentioned previously decided that they would come to Utah to be with their son for Thanksgiving.  They chose to use this time to build trust with their son, altering their family tradition of togetherness to mean something new and beautiful for their family as they work toward healing damaged relationships. 

This year they are thankful for different things than they have been in the past.  This family is thankful for the progress that their son is making towards healing damaged relationships, and all that means.  They are thankful for the little things, such as their son’s ‘willingness to look them in the eye’ when speaking with them and for the feeling of truthfulness that they get from him.  They are thankful for the good experiences that they are able to have with their son, now that he has increased the honesty in his relationships.  They are grateful that they are able to see their son ‘grow to become a man’. 

As these parents tried to express their thankfulness for this process, they said that no words can truly describe how grateful they are at this time for all that Oxbow offers their family in helping their son make these life changes.  Although this Thanksgiving was anything but their tradition, they found themselves thankful.  by Rachelle Gallup, CSW    

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Troubled Teens “Our Sons”

Thursday, November 10th, 2011

This last mid October Saturday, while hauling in the last two loads of hay for the year with five of the Oxbow boys, we stopped in between loads with the boys to grab a doughnut at the local bakery. The boys were so excited to get the doughnuts they had earned.

Two older couples arrived at the doughnut case just before the boys. Without saying a word, I watched as the boys waited with much anticipation while the two older ladies hand-picked two full boxes of doughnuts. This process took approximately 10 minutes, which seemed like a long time – even to me!

The older couples finished selecting their doughnuts and it was now the boys’ turn. The boys eagerly picked their doughnuts and we were off to get some drinks. On the way out of the bakery area I heard the older gentleman address me as the boys stood by Brita and I.

He said, “Sir, I wanted to compliment you on how respectful your sons were while we were picking out our doughnuts.”

I said to the man, “Thank you. They need to be respectful.”

Then the man said, “You can be proud of your sons. There are not many young people that would have had that much patience with older people.”

I told the man thanks for the compliment and that I was proud of “my sons.”

What a great day to hear that compliment about our boys! Thanks to the parents for having the courage to work along side of us at Oxbow with “our sons.” Thanks to all at Oxbow for everything they do to help the boys along their journey.  Tony and Brita North, Equine Directors

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“A Boy Who Was Broken” – A Family Who is Healed

Friday, September 9th, 2011

Shwan Brooks, Oxbow’s Executive Director, received this letter this month from the parent of one of our graduates. We gratefully share it’s contents with our blog readers. To protect this family’s privacy, their names have been ommitted or abbreviated.

Setember 7, 2011

Dear Shawn,

It’s been a month since ** graduation from Oxbow, and I promised I would share some thoughts about his nearly 18-month stay. Rather than look back, I’d like to bring you up to date on the weeks since we saw you.

** is a college reshman, living the life of an 18-year-old we once could only pray he’d become. He has made friends aplenty and gotten off to a good academic start. He says he has never been happier. Time, of course, will determine if everything remains so rosy, but each day that goes well lays a foundation for even better days ahead.

While ** missed out on the life of a “normal” high school student, he seems advanced beyond his college peers in other ways. For instance, he says he finds their fascination with alcohol and sex shallow and of little interest to him. I think the regard he developed at Oxbow for the importance of meaningful relationships is at the core of his reaction. If so, Oxbow helped prepare him for life in ways his classmates now must negotiate.

Additionally, ** seems to have gotten off to a good academic start. ** says he has a new-found interest in learning that we first saw emerge at Oxbow.

** has stayed in touch with Tony and Britta. Their friendship and support helped him through Oxbow and continue to help him now. While two weeks of college life is little more than a start, ** is off to a good start.

It’s a long way from the condition in which ** found himself when reporting to Oxbow. More than 15 months of other therapeutic schools had failed to crack the shell in which  ** resided. I credit the Oxbow team, along with ** for his hard work, with the advances that occurred.

Tiffany Winder and Todd Spaulding were firm but loving in the way they performed their therapy. It would have been easy for all of us to quit the relentless grind of weekly family sessions, but Tiffany and Todd maintained a professional manner that never allowed us to lose hope. They guided ** through some of the most-challenging soul-searching any human could face.

Bill Pollack and folks like Amy Brown taught ** the importance of living successfully with others in the residential part of the program. I doubt that ** will ever encounter a college roommate with whom he cannot co-exist, based on his Oxbow experience.

 Academically, ** blossomed at Oxbow. Self-learning seemed to be the key, but the staff that Rick Lee guided helped to turn our son into a true student. Given his spotty academic experience in high school, we had low expectations for a college career. Yet, ** scored in the 75th percentile in the SAT exam and was accepted to 11 universities, including the one he now attends.

Perhaps no part of Oxbow affected ** as greatly as the equine program, led by Tony and Britta. ** came to understand that horses make wonderful surrogates for people and that building a relationship with a horse can be even more challenging than connecting with a fellow human. Tony and Britta also showed a special interest in **. They made him feel loved, something he desperately needed, even though he was already loved by so many. Perhaps I will never fully understand the magic of the relationship, but it worked. For that we will be eternally grateful.

While I pray that no young man would ever need Oxbow, itʼs reassuring to know that it exists. Had it not existed, I shudder to think where our son would be today. You took him to places in his heart and soul that he might never have reached. As a result, he came to understand himself and learned to communicate those feelings to others.

We sent you a boy who was broken in spirit and you returned to us a young man who has a very real chance at success. That is all anyone can ever ask.

I hope this is helpful to you. Please feel free to share our story with others. I only ask that you do so anonymously, which I am certain you will.

Best personal regards,

J

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A New Day for a Once Troubled Teen

Wednesday, August 31st, 2011

My day started at 5:30 this morning. We were scheduled for a video shoot at 8 a.m. at Oxbow’s East Campus equine facility. This was to be part three of a series of videos introducing DJ – the abandoned horse Tony and Brita and two of the Oxbow students were rehabilitating. Near death when they rescued him, we’d been filming the horse’s progress and talking to the boys about their own journey toward healing. I thought I was prepared for what I was about to see. Nothing could have been farther from the truth.

The change in DJ was astonishing. His body was filling out nicely from a diet of protein enriched grain and hay. He’d gained enough strength for his hoofs to be trimmed. His sunburned nose had healed and his coat, once patchy and virtually non-existent, was shiny in the morning light.

That, however, wasn’t the most surprising part of the day. D and J, the two boys responsible for DJ, looked equally as changed. As D explained how the horse’s scars were now almost invisible thanks to the nourishment he was receiving, I couldn’t keep my eyes off the animated young man’s face. Two months ago he had barely two words to say. He seldom made eye contact and spoke softly. Now his soft drawl was quiet, but confident. He handled the horse with ease and the horse responded to D’s petting like a puppy, nudging the boy when he stopped and putting his trusting head on D’s shoulder.

D is going home tomorrow. He’s finished the therapeutic journey he began at Oxbow months ago. And he is a changed young man. In so many ways. As he hugged the horse goodby, and handed J the training rope, I wondered what part of his experience he’d remember most.

“I’m grateful,” he said. I thought there was a catch in his voice. “For these people. This place. For my parents and what they did for me in allowing me to come here. I never realized before they would do anything to help me get better.”

He handed off the rope and headed to the car and a new life.  I’m headed to the video edit bay, hoping I can do justice to the story of the rescued boy who has become a strong young man.  – By Jennifer Jones, Oxbow Media Specialist

Check the Videos page on Oxbow’s website starting Sept. 15 for updates on the  story of DJ.

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Progress and Troubled Teens

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011

Sometimes our work can seem difficult, frustrating, and sometimes downright impossible. Then one day as we confront a student he reaches down inside himself and finds all that knowledge that we have been trying to teach him for months and it makes your heart soar. Every impossible moment is absolutely worth it. This happened to me just last week. 

A student had struggled to make progress and working with him has sometimes felt a lot like beating your head on a wall.  A mentor had asked him to redo a section of his chore and this young man started getting upset.  At first he told the mentor to shut up and leave him alone.  He was starting to spin when I walked in.  I tried to calm him down and asked if he could please be reasonable and just do what the mentor had asked.  I asked him to please pull himself together - it was nothing to get upset over.  He then asked if I would please stop talking to him. 

I figured, well, that is better than shut up so I said ok and went back to my office.  A few minutes later I heard a small voice calling my name. I got up and went out. He was standing his hand on the mop, head down. He apologized for being rude to me and said he knew I was just trying to help!

Hallelujah!  I realize this is a small step, but it is a positive step none the less. For this young man, I see progress in his future. Sometimes it starts small. by Erin Nestor, Admissions Coordinator

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Troubled Teens Play Ball!

Wednesday, July 20th, 2011

On June 29th, we had our monthly bonus activity – the one we have when none of the students have acted out.  After several different activities were thrown on the table we decided on playing softball.  The admissions team, mentors and students went over to Moroni to the soft ball fields.  When everyone arrived at the fields we all lined up and counted off to divide into teams. It was kind of crazy at first, I think several of us forgot how to catch, throw a ball and even hit.  After a couple innings everyone started getting the hang of the game.  It was so much fun watching the different personalities come out in the students and even the staff.  It was just a relaxing day with no pressure and no worrying about something important to get done.  It was a day just to enjoy each others company and have a good laugh.  We played about 9 innings then decided that we had played enough.  After it was over we went back to Oxbow where Charlotte had prepared a BBQ lunch for everyone.  We had hamburgers or hot dogs, salads, chips, fruit and dessert.  It was YUMMY!!!!  Overall, it was a very fun filled day.   By Bill Pollock, Residential Director

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Courageous Parents and Troubled Teens

Friday, June 24th, 2011

     Yesterday on the news there was a story about family vacationing in Southern Utah. They were around a creek that, due to the high run off this year in Utah, was more like a river of fast moving water. The news report showed a water fall about 15 feet high. The water going over the falls was dark due to the runoff.

     The story went on to explain that this family had lost sight of their young son. After frantically looking for him, the father jumped into the water below the falls feeling that was where his son was. He found his son and pulled his lifeless body up and on to the bank of the river. When he got his son to the shore he found two individuals, also on vacation, that happened to be experienced rescue workers. They began to apply their training and brought the boy back to life.

     As I contemplated the story I was amazed at the courage and faith that young father showed jumping into that muddy water below the falls. He could not see if his son was in that brown churning water but jumped in anyway, risking his own life to do so.

     Today I saw the same kind of courage while taking part in a treatment graduation phase review. I looked across the table at two parents who had lost sight of their son and knew their troubled teen was in peril. They were willing to jump in to the muddy, fast moving waters of treatment because, like the young father in Southern Utah, the thought of losing their son was not bearable. I listened as they talked about how difficult it was to leave their son in the hands of strangers. They talked about that as being the worst day of their lives. The fear was almost unbearable, but they did it. They talked about how difficult the treatment process was for them, how many times they felt so discouraged, and hopeless. Then, like that little boy on the bank of a river in Southern Utah, their son took a breath and hope came rushing back. They described watching their son make hard decisions and work through difficult issues and now, at the end of this treatment experience, they are standing with their son knowing he has earned another chance.

     I can only imagine what the parents of the little boy in Southern Utah felt when their son took in his first breath and the signs of life began to show themselves. What powerful floods of emotions must have run through them in that moment! I think many of the parents I work with know how it feels to have hope return as their sons begin to battle back from addiction, self doubt, and destructive behaviors that, if left unchecked, would end their lives.

     I have been blessed to work with and witness the most courageous parents as they take great risk in an effort to help their sons. To seek out strangers who are skilled and trained in applying treatment and then trust them enough to follow their guidance has been such an example of courage and strength to me. If that father would not have taken action and pulled his son from the muddy, churning water under the falls, his son would have perished there. But, like these wonderful parents I have the pleasure of working with, he took action and saved his son.   Shawn Brooks, Executive Director, Oxbow Academy

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It’s Not Too Late

Wednesday, August 11th, 2010

I went to Oxbow Academy today to shoot *equine imprinting. It’s a fancy term for the simple process of handling a new baby horse while it is only days old in order to help the horse feel comfortable with human touch. The theory goes that if the little one is used to having his ears rubbed, hooves examined, and face stroked he won’t be frightened when it comes time to wear a halter or be treated by a vet. Horse professionals say the animal won’t run from humans entering the corral. Instead, he’ll greet them. Sounded good to me. But what does this kind of horse theory have to do with teen boys who have been victims of sexual abuse, many of whom have, in turn, touched others inappropriately. How does this help them?

Brita and Tony North, the horse pros at Oxbow let me watch and find out. One at a time the boys enter the corral and slowly approach the mother, who is halter-held by Brita. Tony has his arms around the wobbly baby. Tony, the mother and baby, and the Oxbow student are all almost nose-to-nose as the boy tentatively pats first the mare and then slowly moves to her baby.

Stroking the tiny horse’s velvet nose, then running hands down its neck, softly tickling its belly, and slowly lifting the spindly legs to tap tiny hooves.

Brita is softly talking to the boys, explaining the mare must trust that they will not hurt her baby. Their movements must be slow and careful. If alarmed, she will do whatever she must to protect her foal.

In each boy the reaction is different. Some seem stone faced and unimpressed. Those are often the newest students to arrive at Oxbow. Others are filled with wonder at the foal’s fragile little body. Most ask for a second chance to stroke the little horse again.

Now Brita explains to the boys that as prey animals, it is ultimate act of trust for the mare to allow them close to her baby. And for the baby to allow the boys to temporarily disable it by lifting its legs is the essence of vulnerability. There is no chance to run or escape in that condition.

She asks the boys, “Are you giving your therapist a leg?” An odd question, but one they immediately relate to. Are you being honest? Have you disclosed everything from your past so your healing present can begin? Are you sincere in your work and willingness to turn the horror of your past into the hope of your future?

Brita tells the boys the night the foal was born she went to the corral every two hours to help the mare learn to nurse her baby. Her udder was swollen and sore and the nursing process was painful for the first few tries. Gradually, the swelling subsided and the thristy baby could nurse completely.

She asked the boys, “Do you think it is painful for your parents to help you deal with your sexual issues?” The boys share the reactions of their parents, particularly their mothers, when they disclosed sexual behaviors. “Your parents,” Brita tells them, “are standing by you. It is difficult for them but they are determined to give you the tools you need to succeed.” Her voice drops a notch. “That’s why you’re here,” she says, gently, giving each of them a long look.

Brita continues, “All of you should have had someone to give you appropriate touch the moment you were born. Some of you didn’t. For some of you, that trust was betrayed. Does that mean it’s too late for you?”

Almost in unison the boys shake their heads no. But one student asks, “If the mom didn’t learn imprinting will she turn on her baby? Will she reject her baby?” His question is loaded with concern.

“Will it matter what she does,” Brita responds, “if her baby learns the tools he needs to behave appropriately?”

The boys think about this in silence for a while. Another student asks, “How long do most horses live?” The intention is clear. What he really wants to know is how long does a foal that hasn’t been imprinted have to “get it,” to re-learn the fearlessness of positive touch?

Brita’s answer is simple. “Not nearly as long as you will. You can take these tools and create a happy, safe life.”

Almost on cue the little foal skitters away and the mare moves to a protective stance between baby and boys. Lesson over.

*Visit the video section of our website to see how equine imprinting works.

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Baby on the Way

Thursday, July 1st, 2010

I’ve been sitting by the phone, waiting for Brita to call. Her mare is about to foal – or at least I think that’s the correct terminology. Anyway, a baby horse is expected any day now. I’m a city kid and I’ve never seen the birthing process – not one that involves a horse. But this birth has even more significance. When the baby is only hours old the boys from Oxbow Academy will have an opportunity to “imprint” the little one. They’ll run their hands over its tiny body, feeling its ears, inside its mouth, lifting the little hoofs and gently stroking the baby. Horse people say imprinting is a valuable tool because it teaches the horse not to be afraid of being handled by humans. Therapists say imprinting is important for a whole list of different reasons. It helps the boys learn about trust, about good touch and bad touch, about the vulnerability of a smaller living thing under their hands.  So we’re all waiting, watching, and hoping. This is the kind of experience our boys can’t get anywhere else. Hopefully, it’s one they will never forget. One that will help them on their journey toward healing.

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