We’re reaching out to families and fellow professionals with a variety of social media tools. Hopefully, you’ll find one that’s a good fit for you and share your questions and comments with us.
You can find us on Twitter @teensexhelp. On Facebook, please search for Oxbow Academy and “like” us.
And there’s always the “old fashioned” way to reach us through email or responding to our blog. We look forward to hearing from you in whatever way you’re most comfortable with.
The holiday season brings about many struggles for parents of Oxbow students. Reality hits home as some parents realize that their sons are not in the place, therapeutically speaking, that would allow them to go home to be with their families over Christmas.
This has been a struggle for one of the families with whom I work. Several conversations have taken place recently that entailed progress updates as well as estimations on when their son could have his first home pass.
As students progress through the program at Oxbow there is a lot of emotional work required of them prior to their first home pass. This being said, there is no way to discern an exact time in which a student will be emotionally ready for this step forward. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes dealing with the reality of the situation, although that reality may exclude families from being together on some important holidays and in taking part in family traditions. This news comes as hard news to some parents, as well as to their sons.
Some families choose to make new memories with their sons during this time. The family mentioned previously decided that they would come to Utah to be with their son for Thanksgiving. They chose to use this time to build trust with their son, altering their family tradition of togetherness to mean something new and beautiful for their family as they work toward healing damaged relationships.
This year they are thankful for different things than they have been in the past. This family is thankful for the progress that their son is making towards healing damaged relationships, and all that means. They are thankful for the little things, such as their son’s ‘willingness to look them in the eye’ when speaking with them and for the feeling of truthfulness that they get from him. They are thankful for the good experiences that they are able to have with their son, now that he has increased the honesty in his relationships. They are grateful that they are able to see their son ‘grow to become a man’.
As these parents tried to express their thankfulness for this process, they said that no words can truly describe how grateful they are at this time for all that Oxbow offers their family in helping their son make these life changes. Although this Thanksgiving was anything but their tradition, they found themselves thankful. by Rachelle Gallup, CSW
This last mid October Saturday, while hauling in the last two loads of hay for the year with five of the Oxbow boys, we stopped in between loads with the boys to grab a doughnut at the local bakery. The boys were so excited to get the doughnuts they had earned.
Two older couples arrived at the doughnut case just before the boys. Without saying a word, I watched as the boys waited with much anticipation while the two older ladies hand-picked two full boxes of doughnuts. This process took approximately 10 minutes, which seemed like a long time – even to me!
The older couples finished selecting their doughnuts and it was now the boys’ turn. The boys eagerly picked their doughnuts and we were off to get some drinks. On the way out of the bakery area I heard the older gentleman address me as the boys stood by Brita and I.
He said, “Sir, I wanted to compliment you on how respectful your sons were while we were picking out our doughnuts.”
I said to the man, “Thank you. They need to be respectful.”
Then the man said, “You can be proud of your sons. There are not many young people that would have had that much patience with older people.”
I told the man thanks for the compliment and that I was proud of “my sons.”
What a great day to hear that compliment about our boys! Thanks to the parents for having the courage to work along side of us at Oxbow with “our sons.” Thanks to all at Oxbow for everything they do to help the boys along their journey. Tony and Brita North, Equine Directors
Shwan Brooks, Oxbow’s Executive Director, received this letter this month from the parent of one of our graduates. We gratefully share it’s contents with our blog readers. To protect this family’s privacy, their names have been ommitted or abbreviated.
Setember 7, 2011
Dear Shawn,
It’s been a month since ** graduation from Oxbow, and I promised I would share some thoughts about his nearly 18-month stay. Rather than look back, I’d like to bring you up to date on the weeks since we saw you.
** is a college reshman, living the life of an 18-year-old we once could only pray he’d become. He has made friends aplenty and gotten off to a good academic start. He says he has never been happier. Time, of course, will determine if everything remains so rosy, but each day that goes well lays a foundation for even better days ahead.
While ** missed out on the life of a “normal” high school student, he seems advanced beyond his college peers in other ways. For instance, he says he finds their fascination with alcohol and sex shallow and of little interest to him. I think the regard he developed at Oxbow for the importance of meaningful relationships is at the core of his reaction. If so, Oxbow helped prepare him for life in ways his classmates now must negotiate.
Additionally, ** seems to have gotten off to a good academic start. ** says he has a new-found interest in learning that we first saw emerge at Oxbow.
** has stayed in touch with Tony and Britta. Their friendship and support helped him through Oxbow and continue to help him now. While two weeks of college life is little more than a start, ** is off to a good start.
It’s a long way from the condition in which ** found himself when reporting to Oxbow. More than 15 months of other therapeutic schools had failed to crack the shell in which ** resided. I credit the Oxbow team, along with ** for his hard work, with the advances that occurred.
Tiffany Winder and Todd Spaulding were firm but loving in the way they performed their therapy. It would have been easy for all of us to quit the relentless grind of weekly family sessions, but Tiffany and Todd maintained a professional manner that never allowed us to lose hope. They guided ** through some of the most-challenging soul-searching any human could face.
Bill Pollack and folks like Amy Brown taught ** the importance of living successfully with others in the residential part of the program. I doubt that ** will ever encounter a college roommate with whom he cannot co-exist, based on his Oxbow experience.
Academically, ** blossomed at Oxbow. Self-learning seemed to be the key, but the staff that Rick Lee guided helped to turn our son into a true student. Given his spotty academic experience in high school, we had low expectations for a college career. Yet, ** scored in the 75th percentile in the SAT exam and was accepted to 11 universities, including the one he now attends.
Perhaps no part of Oxbow affected ** as greatly as the equine program, led by Tony and Britta. ** came to understand that horses make wonderful surrogates for people and that building a relationship with a horse can be even more challenging than connecting with a fellow human. Tony and Britta also showed a special interest in **. They made him feel loved, something he desperately needed, even though he was already loved by so many. Perhaps I will never fully understand the magic of the relationship, but it worked. For that we will be eternally grateful.
While I pray that no young man would ever need Oxbow, itʼs reassuring to know that it exists. Had it not existed, I shudder to think where our son would be today. You took him to places in his heart and soul that he might never have reached. As a result, he came to understand himself and learned to communicate those feelings to others.
We sent you a boy who was broken in spirit and you returned to us a young man who has a very real chance at success. That is all anyone can ever ask.
I hope this is helpful to you. Please feel free to share our story with others. I only ask that you do so anonymously, which I am certain you will.
Best personal regards,
J
Sometimes our work can seem difficult, frustrating, and sometimes downright impossible. Then one day as we confront a student he reaches down inside himself and finds all that knowledge that we have been trying to teach him for months and it makes your heart soar. Every impossible moment is absolutely worth it. This happened to me just last week.
A student had struggled to make progress and working with him has sometimes felt a lot like beating your head on a wall. A mentor had asked him to redo a section of his chore and this young man started getting upset. At first he told the mentor to shut up and leave him alone. He was starting to spin when I walked in. I tried to calm him down and asked if he could please be reasonable and just do what the mentor had asked. I asked him to please pull himself together - it was nothing to get upset over. He then asked if I would please stop talking to him.
I figured, well, that is better than shut up so I said ok and went back to my office. A few minutes later I heard a small voice calling my name. I got up and went out. He was standing his hand on the mop, head down. He apologized for being rude to me and said he knew I was just trying to help!
Hallelujah! I realize this is a small step, but it is a positive step none the less. For this young man, I see progress in his future. Sometimes it starts small. by Erin Nestor, Admissions Coordinator
On June 29th, we had our monthly bonus activity – the one we have when none of the students have acted out. After several different activities were thrown on the table we decided on playing softball. The admissions team, mentors and students went over to Moroni to the soft ball fields. When everyone arrived at the fields we all lined up and counted off to divide into teams. It was kind of crazy at first, I think several of us forgot how to catch, throw a ball and even hit. After a couple innings everyone started getting the hang of the game. It was so much fun watching the different personalities come out in the students and even the staff. It was just a relaxing day with no pressure and no worrying about something important to get done. It was a day just to enjoy each others company and have a good laugh. We played about 9 innings then decided that we had played enough. After it was over we went back to Oxbow where Charlotte had prepared a BBQ lunch for everyone. We had hamburgers or hot dogs, salads, chips, fruit and dessert. It was YUMMY!!!! Overall, it was a very fun filled day. By Bill Pollock, Residential Director
When Brita led the horse out of the trailer I was astounded. I had never seen such a weak, mangy looking animal in my life. I couldn’t believe the horse was able to stand on his own. His ribs stuck out and his coat was in patches. There were scars all over his body.
“He actually looks better today,” Brita said. “We’ve spent the weekend giving him hay and grass and his belly’s a little rounder.” I wondered how a horse could possibly look worse.
Brita and Tony North are the equine directors at Oxbow Academy, a residential treatment center for teen boys who struggled with sexual abuse, sexual trauma, or sexual addictions. The Norths answered an ad for a horse that “needed a little work.” What they found was a horse that was practically starving. Born in a freezing Utah December, the horse was orphaned at four months. Since then it had been abused and neglected, pushed away from food and water by the other horses in the herd. Brita worried that if they agreed to take the animal it would die during the three hour drive back to Oxbow. Tony was skeptical the poor horse could be rehabilitated. By the time the three of them arrived back at Oxbow, the Norths had come up with a plan.
In the treatment team meeting Brita told her colleagues about the animal’s history and noted, “He’s got a lot in common with some of our boys. What we if we gave them a chance to help him recover?”
Todd Spaulding and Gregg Lott, Oxbow therapists, were immediately on board. Both had students they felt could benefit from the rehabilitation project.
And so, on a sunny summer morning, the wobbly, weak horse moves slowly toward the Oxbow corral. I am pretty sure the horse will fall over dead on the spot. Brita is slow and gentle. Every move is deliberate because, as she says, “I really don’t know what to expect from him. Everything is new to him.”
In a few minutes Gregg and Todd, along with students David and James, arrive. Todd has explained a little about the horse to the boys on the drive over. I think even they are surprised at how bad the horse looks. They begin very carefully brushing the horse. He’s never seen or felt a brush. His hide is raw in some places, scarred in others, and somewhat normal looking in still others. There are some spots he simply will not allow anyone to touch.
Brtia tries to coax him to take a few bites from a bucket filled with a special mix of vitamin enriched grain. He needs the extra nutrition to begin to heal. But the grain holds no appeal for him. He doesn’t know what it is. Instead, he’s eyeing the weeds that ring the round corral. It’s all he’s ever known.
David and James, both adopted, have decided the horse needs a name. What was his old name? It doesn’t matter, they decide. His new name will be “DJ,” in honor of both of them. He looks pretty bad, Todd notes. That doesn’t matter either, they say. He’s their horse now. They love him. Todd and Gregg begin turning the conversation to talk of the boys’ own abuse. They talk about their adoptions and how much their adoptive mothers love them. They talk about scars and healing. They talk about reaching out and taking the help that’s being offered to them – the bucket of grain in their own lives.
More than an hour later the boys are headed back to the dorms with plans of what they’ll need to do next to help DJ gain strength. I am headed to the car wondering how a beat up paint horse could have that much effect on two teenaged boys. There are no guarantees any of them will be able to overcome their pasts. But all of them are worth the try.
It’s a beautiful day and at the college across the street grounds crews are getting ready for the back to class crunch. I am waiting for Tom (not his real name). Standing outside his apartment I’m thinking it seems almost surreal how far he has come. I wonder if he ever envisioned this day. I wonder if his parents did.
Finished with therapy at Oxbow, Tom is living on is own – unless you count the other three guys that share his apartment. He’s working. And he’s training his new puppy to be a hunting dog. He has new friends and plans for the future.
From the blackness of abuse and abusing, Tom and his family have found the brightness of healing and hope. I am happy for him. So very happy for him. He and his family have worked and fought for this moment. They have struggled and cried and faced all manner of demons with courage, faith, and determination.
I watch as Tom puts the puppy in the truck – one he bought himself – and head off to the day’s adventure. Life is good.
I went to Oxbow Academy today to shoot *equine imprinting. It’s a fancy term for the simple process of handling a new baby horse while it is only days old in order to help the horse feel comfortable with human touch. The theory goes that if the little one is used to having his ears rubbed, hooves examined, and face stroked he won’t be frightened when it comes time to wear a halter or be treated by a vet. Horse professionals say the animal won’t run from humans entering the corral. Instead, he’ll greet them. Sounded good to me. But what does this kind of horse theory have to do with teen boys who have been victims of sexual abuse, many of whom have, in turn, touched others inappropriately. How does this help them?
Brita and Tony North, the horse pros at Oxbow let me watch and find out. One at a time the boys enter the corral and slowly approach the mother, who is halter-held by Brita. Tony has his arms around the wobbly baby. Tony, the mother and baby, and the Oxbow student are all almost nose-to-nose as the boy tentatively pats first the mare and then slowly moves to her baby.
Stroking the tiny horse’s velvet nose, then running hands down its neck, softly tickling its belly, and slowly lifting the spindly legs to tap tiny hooves.
Brita is softly talking to the boys, explaining the mare must trust that they will not hurt her baby. Their movements must be slow and careful. If alarmed, she will do whatever she must to protect her foal.
In each boy the reaction is different. Some seem stone faced and unimpressed. Those are often the newest students to arrive at Oxbow. Others are filled with wonder at the foal’s fragile little body. Most ask for a second chance to stroke the little horse again.
Now Brita explains to the boys that as prey animals, it is ultimate act of trust for the mare to allow them close to her baby. And for the baby to allow the boys to temporarily disable it by lifting its legs is the essence of vulnerability. There is no chance to run or escape in that condition.
She asks the boys, “Are you giving your therapist a leg?” An odd question, but one they immediately relate to. Are you being honest? Have you disclosed everything from your past so your healing present can begin? Are you sincere in your work and willingness to turn the horror of your past into the hope of your future?
Brita tells the boys the night the foal was born she went to the corral every two hours to help the mare learn to nurse her baby. Her udder was swollen and sore and the nursing process was painful for the first few tries. Gradually, the swelling subsided and the thristy baby could nurse completely.
She asked the boys, “Do you think it is painful for your parents to help you deal with your sexual issues?” The boys share the reactions of their parents, particularly their mothers, when they disclosed sexual behaviors. “Your parents,” Brita tells them, “are standing by you. It is difficult for them but they are determined to give you the tools you need to succeed.” Her voice drops a notch. “That’s why you’re here,” she says, gently, giving each of them a long look.
Brita continues, “All of you should have had someone to give you appropriate touch the moment you were born. Some of you didn’t. For some of you, that trust was betrayed. Does that mean it’s too late for you?”
Almost in unison the boys shake their heads no. But one student asks, “If the mom didn’t learn imprinting will she turn on her baby? Will she reject her baby?” His question is loaded with concern.
“Will it matter what she does,” Brita responds, “if her baby learns the tools he needs to behave appropriately?”
The boys think about this in silence for a while. Another student asks, “How long do most horses live?” The intention is clear. What he really wants to know is how long does a foal that hasn’t been imprinted have to “get it,” to re-learn the fearlessness of positive touch?
Brita’s answer is simple. “Not nearly as long as you will. You can take these tools and create a happy, safe life.”
Almost on cue the little foal skitters away and the mare moves to a protective stance between baby and boys. Lesson over.
*Visit the video section of our website to see how equine imprinting works.
A recent Tweet about the value of computer pornography blocking software reminded me of this article. I wrote it a couple of years ago for a counseling magazine but it’s message is even more timely today.
Teens and Pornography: The Frightening New Addition
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
Looking back, *Tom remembers the morning the nightmare began. It was 5:30 a.m. Summer vacation meant his 15-year-old son, *Jason, should be sleeping in. Instead, Tom was surprised to find him at the family computer. He was even more stunned when he saw what his son was doing.
“He was looking at porn,” Tom says. Specifically, Jason was watching child pornography. “It was about as hard-core as you could get.”
Jason was ashamed and embarrassed and promised his parents he would never do it again. They thought their son was “just curious” and believed him. The family had recently moved and the computer’s filtering system was down. Tom installed a new blocking program and made sure it was working.
They were devastated when they discovered their son, on at least two other occasions, had hacked through the system to find porn.
In the meantime, Jason was spiraling downward at school. Formerly a straight A student, the teen began failing his accelerated classes.
“We suspected drug use,” Tom recalls. They began drug testing their son and carefully monitoring his behavior and friends. Every drug test turned up negative.
“He proceeded to get worse until it reached a point where we couldn’t get him to do anything at home. He wouldn’t even take a shower, brush his teeth or get ready for school,” Tom remembers.
Desperate for help, the family turned to their church and was eventually referred to a counselor who specialized in adolescent therapy.
After months of therapy Jason revealed he had been looking at Internet porn for at least two years. He had tried to do it in secret at home or at a friend’s house. But the “secret” had transformed to a demon that was controlling his life.
Shawn Brooks is Executive Director of Oxbow Academy, a residential treatment center, or RTC, that specializes in treating teenage boys with sexual dependencies. A sexual dependency is a behavior that interferes with a child’s normal behavior or coping ability.
Located in rural Wales, Utah, Oxbow is one of only a handful of centers that focuses exclusively on adolescent sexual dependencies. Pornography is the common thread.
“Most parents don’t find out their kids are looking at Internet pornography unless they are able to track their use on the computer,:” he says. “If parents are watching their child’s behavior they may start picking up other cues.”
Brooks says those cues can include strange behavior regarding the Internet, such as becoming agitated it a parent enters the room while they are on the Net. Some parents report their teens stay up all night to use the computer, making the child unusually tired or irritated. Other times, behavioral issues like Jason’s may appear.
Dr. Thomas Kimball is Associate Professor and Associate Managing Director for the Center for the Study of Addiction and Recovery at Texas Tech University in Lubbock, Texas. He believes in some teens, viewing pornography can be as addictive as drugs.
“Behaviors can be just as addictive as substances,” he says. “There’s an experimentation phase, then abusing, depending, and addicting,” Kimball says.
Brooks agrees. “Sexual addictions are similar to drug addictions. Not everybody reacts the same,” he explains. “When a male adolescent sees pornography it releases endorphins similar to heroin.”
Brooks says just like with drugs, pornography that satisfies the user today will eventually lose its potency – requiring the addict to go for something bigger and better.
Dr. Kimball adds, “As a clinician, the biggest increase in private practice and couples therapy are couples coming in because one of them is entrenched in porn. The impact on marriages and families is immense, and it starts when people are teens.”
Statistics show most children have their first experience with Internet pornography at age 11 – usually by accident.
Jason’s Internet search stemmed from an innocent experience he had as a five-year-old with a peer. Tom says his son was not molested – the children were simply too young to know that what felt good was inappropriate. At the time, he didn’t even know the incident had occurred. His son revealed the experience during therapy.
When Jason grew older and realized his behavior was wrong he felt a tremendous amount of shame and guilt from the incident and used the Internet as a way to at first try to understand his behavior, then to feed his fantasy.
“The Internet is the number one feeder of porn addiction,” Shawn Brooks says. “Whatever your fantasy is you can find it. There is so much stimulus to support it.”
Brooks says the Internet is an especially dangerous pornography source because of the number and variety of images. “An adolescent could spend a year and never see the same picture twice,” he says. He’s aware of cases where teens actually become dehydrated because they are “glued” to the computer screen for hours.
Tom says when he and his wife learned of Jason’s experience and his Internet pornography addiction, “We really fell apart. That’s when we knew we had a crisis.”
Looking for Help
The family began looking for treatment programs that could help Jason with his addiction. “We learned there are lots of options for drug and alcohol treatments but not for sexual addictions.” The programs Tom did find did not treat adolescents.
The Internet that proved a feeding ground for their son’s addiction now became a lifeline in helping him overcome it. “We did a lot of research trying to place Jason in a program,” Tom says.
Specialized Therapy
Acting on the recommendation of the educational consultant, Jason moved to an RTC which did not specialize in sexual dependencies. Instead, students were suffering from a variety of substance abuse and mental health problems.
After five months in the program, Jason felt comfortable about disclosing his own struggles. When that happened, his father says, “he became the pariah of the program.” Other students teased and tormented him and administrators worried he might be a sexual predator. “They politely asked him to leave,” Tom recalls, “but they didn’t offer any alternative programs.”
Twist of Fate
It was only by chance the family heard of Oxbow. An administrator at the program Jason was leaving happened to mention the school’s inability to treat sex specific disorders during a professional meeting. An Oxbow official was at the meeting and offered to take Jason.
“In our facility, Jason’s kind of openness is rewarded,” Brooks explains. “He’s not shunned or in danger because everyone else in the program has similar issues. It’s a safer environment for him and he’s not able to groom other students in order to victimize them.”
Because the program is sex-specific, Brooks says staff and students are held to higher accountability. “In another program where they’re not aware those tools or behaviors would go unnoticed or be considered horseplay. At Oxbow staff and residents pick them out and hold each other accountable.”
Tom says having a sex specific treatment center has made all the difference in the world. “There’s a trust that’s established between the boys that allows openness and that openness really helps these kids realize, ‘I’m not alone.’ That lets them open up and share, and sharing takes the power away.”
Is Treatment Necessary?
Shawn Brooks says there’s always a chance a teen will overcome his addiction without treatment. But there’s also a danger a child will start acting out when pictures no longer satisfy their sexual cravings.
“Juveniles are much more amenable to treatment,” Brooks notes. He says statistics show an 80-90% success rate. With adults the outlook is not nearly so positive. “The numbers are almost inverted for adults.”
Jason’s father hopes his son will be able to come home this summer. By then he will have been in treatment for 15 months.
“The earlier you make an intervention, the better your chances of healing,” Dr. Kimball states. “There’s a lot of hope with the right kinds of intervention and family support.”
Brooks adds, “The only way we can track whether or not treatment is working is recidivism rate. Do they go back to those same behaviors after treatment? To say they are cured is almost like saying an alcoholic no longer has the urge to drink anymore. We help them build interventions against urges. They may always feel the urge but they don’t act on it.”
“I’m worried,” Tom admits. “I think there’s always the fear of what could go wrong.” He adds, “But I actually think Jason seems much stronger and more aware of his emotions now than a typical adolescent his age.”
Looking Back, Looking Ahead
When he thinks of his son’s future, Tom is hopeful. He wishes he’d talked more frankly about sex and relationships with his boy, wishes he’d known about the experience that sent his son to the Internet to begin with. “I think that had we been able to assure him that the experience that happened at age five was something that was just curiosity based. It wasn’t as deviant and shameful as he held it to be.”
Dr. Kimball says those kinds of conversations are exactly what help children develop healthy sexuality. “There needs to be open, age appropriate conversations about sex,” he says. “These talks have to start as soon as kids become verbal with appropriate names of body parts and answering questions. Be close to your children. Know them and how they are. Then you can gage if something’s not right.”
Brooks says parents should restrict Internet use and make sure they have filtering devices installed. Even then, be prepared for children to try to get around them. “These kids are amazing at what they can do.”
Tom says he was amazed to discover that most of Jason’s friends had unrestricted access to pornography on the Internet. “I think some parents think they are doing everything right,” he says. “But these kids are so sophisticated. They can put it on a jump drive, burn it to a CD and pass it around at school. There are so many ways for their kids to access that kind of information.”
His experience with Jason has made him a lot more aware of the dangers and the need for discussion. “I feel like I’m a lot more open with my other children,” he says.
His advice? “Don’t assume your child is any different from mine.”
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